Rebirth
by MorningHell
Summary: [Saw] Scarred them for life, yes. But did he also help them?...What do you take for granted now, Doctor? Slash, malexmale romance. Ya' been warned
1. My Sin

**Rebirth – Chapter 1: My Sin**

_Note from Author: Ugh. I won't lie to you. I might never finish this. I'm just trying so hard to get through my writer's block right now. _

_Warnings: Sex, violence, angst, homosexual themes. _

_Explanation: You know, despite what some people say, I don't write guy/guy relationships just for the fucking hell of it. I watched the movie, I said, hey, it's not a big leap. I saw the relationship, and that's what made it believable to me. Don't like it? Whatever. Don't believe me? Fine. Judge me if you want, but I honestly don't know why you would waste your time._

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There is no greater fear on earth than powerlessness.

Maybe that bastard had been a little right. Maybe, as right as a sociopath could be. As a doctor, Lawrence had let the film of his own excellence cover his eyes and convince him of his invincibility, willingly, welcomingly so. It wasn't as though he didn't notice this before. It wasn't that earth-shocking revelation that sent men whirling into their own madness for the sheer disbelief of how they could have missed it. …It was just that he had never thought of it as ignorant before. But it was. Ignorant. Useless and ignorant. That illusion of omnipotence left him with nothing but the ideal that he no longer had to try. After all, struggling mounted up to so much nothing in the end. Man was not made to struggle for survival, because he was too fucking weak. So instead he created a world in which he did not have to.

But that world…was outside. _Where the fuck am I?_ Was naturally the first question one comes upon in this type of situation. The mere thought of being somewhere you didn't recognize was terrifying enough. He thought about security, what it was and what it meant. Security was a false pretense. Every man tricks himself into thinking that he's safe. That he can get out of any dilemma. If you didn't know where you were, you asked someone. You used a phone, you looked for street signs, you found a gas station. Lawrence could not only do none of those things at the moment, but he was also dying. Lost, helpless, and dying. He couldn't stand, couldn't walk, couldn't cry out for help, and if he had—no one would have heard him. He was powerless. Once he held his life easily in the palm of his hand…now it was smeared out mercilessly over the floor around him.

His crawl was slowing, little by little. But though the acid in his muscles burned and the nausea and bloodloss were weighing him down, he refused to give in yet. He needed help. _Adam_ needed help. He had to get him out of there. He made a promise. Even when the world was spinning and he couldn't see where he was going, even if there could very well be no one for miles, and even knowing from medical experience that he had about twenty to thirty minutes before he bled to death, that notion prevailed. He made a promise. And if he didn't make it out, Adam would be trapped in there forever. Wherever the hell _there_ was. Wherever the hell _they were_. So he kept pushing, kept dragging himself onward, kept telling himself that he had to be close to something. Closer to a door than death, he hoped.

_"Don't leave me! Please…" _

Adam's desperate plea. If there was anything worse than such a situation, it was being in such a situation by yourself. Yes, they needed each other. Each was the only thing keeping the other in his right mind. The only thing telling the other that this was _real_, and someone else _knew_ that it was just as fucked up as he thought. More importantly, they needed each other to survive. Lawrence needed to shoot him. He needed to wound him like that in order to ensure he could get out of there. And likewise, Adam needed him now more than ever. And Adam hadn't let him down—so neither would he. His arms just needed to stop gaining weight.

But in the dying haze of his body, where the pain was truly beginning to fade and his movement urged to cease completely…there were voices. In the flickering darkness around him, a light, chiming echo from the walls tapped gently into his head. However, he didn't recognize it at first. Death stood firmly mantling him with greedy hands covering his ears and blotting out his vision with its cloak. It grew just a little louder. Barely at all. But enough. His eyes began to open, surprised at how they had ever closed, and he pushed himself further with a true scraping of the ends of his engery. At last he could go no more. He was eventually sprawled out on his stomach, mulling over the fact that tears were leaking from him without restraint and trying to discover the source of those voices, not that he could move to them.

…Poor old Lawrence. Brilliant surgeon. Devoted husband and father. Good friend.

Headline.

_Man bleeds to death after severing own foot._

Oh, and it only could get better from there. _Esteemed surgeon caught in scandalous affair with intern. Wife and daughter found dead in home._ Shit…Yes. Dying here would give him a drab obituary to say the least. It would call him a pervert. A heartless bastard. So he'd never been the greatest man. Not the most caring father or the most loving husband. But oh God…was _this_ what he deserved? He loved his daughter…he'd saved the lives of _so many_. And still…still, he was marked as this inherently evil being?

He slowly rested his head down against the wet, grimey floor, strings of mucus dripping from his lips. He made only one final prayer to the unforgiving loom of his surroundings as he realized that there was no way to move. It was one simple word. The hardest thing in the world to ask for because everyone was too selfish, too far away, or too oblivious to give. The one thing he had never admitted he needed. "…Help…" and another sob wrenched his throat. But he no longer felt pain.

And the voices were getting louder. Almost…almost as if by some miraculous, ridiculous chance, his barely whispered cry had been heard by someone. And he could hear footsteps along with them. Booming and pounding on the floor enough to make his head ache. And down the dark hall, they were coming…towards him. The next moments were a complete blur to him. Shouting, clammoring, so many footsteps, crackling buzzes, the whole of the world coming crashing down onto his head for one breif instant. It was in the next second that his consciousness, dangling from a tenuous thread, snapped to attention upon the contact of some foreign hand touching him.

All of the pain in his body was rekindled in a massive explosion that tore a strangled gasp from his chest. The kind of raw, burning fire that ate you alive from the inside out and let every nerve in your being sing your agony in one, cantankerous, ethereal roar. The pain grasped him by the throat, squeezing mercilessly, growling, spitting, screeching into his face _you are ALIVE_.

"Stay down!" the voice insisted over the yelling around him. A man with a gun was crouched above him. "It's gonna be fine! We've got you now!" he turned up over a shoulder and belted out an order. "Get the paramedics now! Someone's down here!"

Had he made it…?

The man was shaking him lightly by the shoulder. "Hey pal, you stay awake, you hang in there! We're getting you the hell outta here!"

"Inh…" he managed through the cripple of pain and the wave of tears spilling over his cheeks as he forced his eyes to stay open.

"Jesus…" the large man above him paused. "D-D.r…_Gordon_?" It was a voice he didin't recognize.

"A-Adam…" he roused his crumbling voice enough, small and pathetic as he fought back the sobs. "Please find Adam…"

"Don't worry. Just relax. It's all okay now." The gruff voice was strange to hear in a soothing tone as the man hardened his grip on Lawrence's shoulder. "Stay with me."

"You've got to find him…He's chained to the wall…help him…I promised him I would find someone…" He hurt too badly now. He felt sick. Like he was going to vomit.

"Gordon?" fading out. "Gordon!"

And then there was blackness, and sirens, and…nothing…


	2. Chasm

**Rebirth – Chapter 2: Chasm**

_-Notes-_

_Graymoon74: GRAY! Eee! Oh my frikkin' gosh, you haven't seen the movie?! What are you doin' readin' this, crazy-head?! XD Well I really owe you the biggest apology. You're such a faithful reader, I don't know why after I continually leave you hanging. I swear, I've been on the next chapter of Talker for MONTHS. I'm going out of my mind. I figure maybe taking a break from it will pull back my inspiration? But I swear, if only for you, I WILL finish that story. I have so little left to go! Thank you, for everything._

_Agent182: Thanks, I'm really glad you liked it! It's refreshing to know that a work in even such a small category is so appriciated. Hope you continue to enjoy it. _

_And so…on to chapter two._

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"You-" the clatter of rusted chains being strained from their post bleeted against the walls again, "can't-" another metallic crunch, "_leave me in here_!! You _fucking bastard_! You son of a _bitch_! Aaaaaaa_aaaahh_!!" Adam roared out with a force beyond a man his size, every ounce of his soul pouring forth the utmost rage and mental anguish to a wall that offered nothing. The pitch black around him engulfed his cries into the bottomless pit of death that this shithole was, the illuminated neon 'x' seeming to be the signiture to his death clause. He sat shaking on the floor in silence for only a small moment with his musings, his ankle ringed with abrasions and cuff bruises, his head throbbing and his throat hoarse. This wasn't right. For the umpteenth time today, Adam was scrambling on his hands and knees as he wretched his guts onto the floor.

He reared up onto his knees again with a cough and a spell of extreme dizziness, throwing his arms over the rim of the bathtub clumsily and wincing as he hit his chin into it. Oh God, oh God, he had to get out of here. He frantically dove down towards the drain of the bathtub, tossing out tile debris and plaster as he searched. In the midst, faint as it was, there was the showing of a vibrant blue light.

_"The key to that chain is in the drain of the bathtub."_

Why? _Why_? Adam could only think this as he desperately dug his fingers into the drain pipe. Why the hell would he tell him where the key was? Why would he allow him to find it? What the _fuck _was the purpose in this? He didn't care, damnit he didn't care. He needed the key, he needed to get out, that maniac was _loose _out there, and _so was Lawrence_. "Come on—fuck—" he snarled out. He'd torn the cuticles of his nails by now, but at last he touched the jagged edge of a key. He twisted his hand painfully to reach it; it didn't matter. The hand was a little bruised and bleeding when he brought it up, key dangling from his thumb. With an inward gasp, he floundered back to the floor near the pipes and fiddled furiously in the black to find the lock. The frustration was ungodly. He just couldn't fit the key into the lock, jittering and scratching madly with the teeth of the key around the bottom of the palmed padlock. When the click and release sounded, he ripped the chain from his leg and hurled it into the tile wall with an outward growl, bolting up and throwing the key carelessly.

He pounced to the door in earnest, staggaring across the floor—and straight into the pooling blood. He slipped with a yelp and was slammed back to the floor, his head cracking hard against the tiles. "SHIT!" he bellowed, grabbing at his head to try and snatch back his fleeting vision. He was suddenly on his feet again, throwing his body into the door with every fiber of strength he posessed.. Another spark of pain screamed in his bones, but he thrust upwards, again and again, pounding on the door with both battered fists, wailing like a lunatic and using a few choice swear words that he had almost forgotten about entirely. "LET ME THE FUCK OUT!" he'd never been so angry. So afriad and helpless. "You _fucking coward bitch_! You don't even have the balls to _kill me_?! What are you _running_ for!? I'm just some fucking-" slam "scrawny-" slam "loser-ass-" slam "stoner!! COME ON!!" slam, slam "Let me _out_!"

He didn't deserve this. It wasn't fucking fair, he didn't _deserve_ this! "Ahhh!!!" he continued to tear at the door, a depraved, futile lack of sense spurring him on to beat at this fucking door until he was physically unable. "Open the _god damn door_!…" he paused for a single second before his pounding made a sudden, drastic increase in intensity. "I won't die in here! Do you hear me?! _I won't d_-AH!" there was a wrenching noise from the other side of the door, and before he could register what was happening, a dim, yellow light was filling his eyes and he tumbled straight into opened arms.

"Fuck fuck fuck get OFF!" Adam howled instinctively, writhing in horror as the arms roughly encircled him. "Get away from me!"

"Easy, kid, _easy_!" ground out the officer struggling to restrain him. Adam felt the hands of another man on him as well, pinning his arms. "Calm down, it's okay!"

"Let go! You can't—ah-AH!" Adam barked out as he wildly jerked against the grip.

He didn't know what happened then. He was screaming, flailing, trying to break free. They couldn't make him go back in there. They couldn't. They couldn't keep him here. He had to get out. But there were too many of them, and only one Adam. He found himself face down on the floor in the next instant, half-screaming, half-crying in a tremendous fit of mixed pain and utter terror.

A female voice. "Gunshot wound to the right shoulder, doesn't look like any major dammage."

Another man. "Hold him still, he's incoherent!"

"AHHH!" Adam released a feirce cry as he felt the length of a needle penetrate his unafflicted shoulder. The pain was not excrutiating, but he was convinced that it was killing him all the same. He succumbed to a series of whimpers and groans, his spasms and jerking dying bit by bit as tears crashed shamelessly down his face. "Please…please…I have to get out…"

"It's okay, kid. You're okay now." The unfamiliar male voice over him stated, a hand rubbing the back of his neck a little.

_It's okay, come on, it's okay now…_

He shifted blearily. "…Lawrence…?" the blackness was taking him, and he drank into it as the pull of sweet, merciful unconsciousness embraced him.


	3. Bathed In Light

**Rebirth – Chapter 3: Bathed In Light**

_-Notes-_

_Agent182: Oh yes, poor rabbity ol' Adam. I figured he would freak out. Thanks so much. _

_Kaliska Vanka: Shucks, thanks. I try. ' I thought the subject would make a good angst trip, anyway._

_Inferi: Score, I invoked feeling! XP I'm glad you liked it, your guy's reviews really mean a lot. I love to write, so it's more than fulfilling to think that my writing could be loved._

_Yeah, well, I chumped you guys. Really short chapter this time. You can't hear my evil cackling—but it's there._

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Blinding lights. The kind of pure, searing white lance of brightness that blurred everything around him into a disturbing ghost of the real world …and they brought with them a memory. A fumbling hand climbing up the sickening tile wall in search for a means by which to know his surroundings. Because it was so black, and the poor soul across from him sounded so scared. (Selfishly, he felt a surge of joy just for the fact that he was not alone.) He was scared too, but he had to stay calm. Survival always depended on a level head. But when those lights blared on, the pain was horrible. The sheer, white light, much like the ones now poised above him. He was so numb, unable to feel, unable to comprehend anything.

What kind of hellish place had he made it to now?

He was beginning to register that the collective buzz of sound around him could be identified. Telephones ringing. People talking quickly. Doors opening, machines bleeping out in mechanical chirps, shoes hitting tile. There were so many people…Everything was white. It smelled like death, blood, and disinfectant. Or maybe that was just him.

He was face up, staring at the ceiling as he moved. But he wasn't moving. No, someone was moving him. It was as though everything surrounding him existed only for him, but he himself did not exist. And muddled, through the white haze and delerious thinking, voices kept rising up in harsh whispers, shrill gasps that faded as he was moved away. Voices that uttered, in disbelief, the words… "Oh my God…I-it's Dr. Gordon…"

And suddenly, he realized where he was, having never seen it from this angle before. In this place, he'd never felt the occasion to look up. Too busy always looking down on everything, maybe.

It was his hospital.

_"Hello, Dr. Gordon…"_

That voice…replaying in his head….

_"This is your wake-up call…"_


	4. Choking on Afterbirth

**Rebirth – Chapter 4: Choking on Afterbirth**

_-Notes-_

_Wah! Where'd all these reviews come from? Well I would have updated sooner if the site hadn't been under construction and all, but I apologize for the wait all the same. _

_Agent182: Yeah, sorry about the shortness! That little chunk didn't seem to fit in anywhere else, so I just sanctioned it off on its own. Thanks muchly!_

_Angelgardian666: I was actually starting to think that I was the only one who saw the connection or the possibility of the couple until I started posting here. Yay! Thank you!_

_Kaliska Vanka: Hospitals suck. Bleeeh. Thank you, I hope I keep you in DIRE SUSPENSE! Um…okay…maybe not so much. Enjoy!_

_Merry-2004: Ah yes…writer's block…Grr. Thanks for reading, I'm thrilled that everyone seems to like it so far. I'm surprised—no pointless bashing comments yet. _

_Anyway, read on, my pretties…_

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His eyes were so unforgiving. Sometimes he wished that he never had to open them again. Then maybe he would never have to remember the horror…After all…his dreams were so much more pleasant. Behind closed eyes, he had seen the energetic figure of a young child. A little girl with dark hair, reaching for him, gripping his leg, laughing mercilessly as he found his own hands going to grab her. Switch over into a memory from longer back…that same little girl. Just a toddler then. As he came into the room of his house, loosening his tie and still carrying his suitcase with a tired sigh, there she sat in all her glory, _covered_ in blue paint. Handprints adorned every wall, smattered also on the carpet and bedspread with tendrils of blue streaked through her hair. She had looked up at him with wide, sparkling eyes…and offered him up a dripping handful of paint. He tried so very hard to be angry with her—she was certainly _not_ supposed to be in this room while it remained unpainted and half-finished—, but he couldn't breath from the stabs of laughter hitting him again and again and again from the sight of his mess of a child. _…Diana…_

For some strange, unfathomably gracious reason, these dreams had won out over the nightmares.

His eyes flickered open hazily. Damn those bright lights…the all too familiar whir of machinery met with the awkward feeling of numbing painkillers and groggy pain still lingering despite them. His leg was aching terribly. But he was alive…He didn't know for how long, but he was alive. And thirsty as hell. How long had he been here?

He slowly turned his head to look around the room. White walls, the blue-green curtains used to separate beds even though he was alone here, and the undeniable aroma of a hospital bed. All of which were out of focus and dreary. "Oh…" he moaned slightly as he tried to raise a hand to his head, but another hand made it to his wrist first.

"Dr. Gordon?" a woman's voice.

"Mmmhuh?" he forced his eyes to open again, squinting against the awful lights and trying to find the face of the speaker above him.

"Dr. Gordon? Are you awake? It's…it's me, Jennifer. Do you remember?" the voice continued, and Lawrence tried hard to pull it out of his memory. Jennifer…Jenniferrrr- Alvin! Jennifer Alvin, of course, one of the nurses. Thirty-two, single mother, constantly forgot her name tag…

"Yes…" he answered in an exhausted tone. "Sure. Jennifer."

"How are you feeling, doctor?" the hand moved to his head, then to his wrist again, which he now saw was attatched to the plastic IV ropes filled with blood and medicine that he had so often administered himself into his patients. It made his arm sore. He then turned his attention back to the question, furrowing his brow. What kind of a question was that? She had no idea, she couldn't possibly. Kidnapped from his car, chained to a wall, forced to hack his own foot off to escape a rabid maniac hellbent on torture. She had the nerve to ask him how he was _feeling_? "Just relax for now. You've lost a lot of blood and you need to rest."

"…I…" he croaked out, but before he could get any further, a straw was pushed up into his mouth. He coughed a little and feebly reached up a hand, but it didn't quite make it. He drank a good deal, a stream of water pouring from his mouth as he swallowed painfully one last time.

"There you go." Jennifer said soothingly, taking the cup away.

"…" he clenched his eyes shut for a minute before finding her face again. Lightheadedness was sinking in slowly and he wasn't entirely aware of what brought out his next quandry. "…Who was the doctor that sutured me…?"

"Dr. Krovan." She answered in a cheery tone, wiping the water away from his chin with a napkin. "You were in surgery for a full six hours."

"Six hours…?" this time he found the strength to lift a hand to his head, shakily rubbing his temple.

"Yes. The blood transfusion and the re-attatchment. You're very lucky, you know." She said matter-of-factly.

"What…?" it hurt too much to think right now. He didn't know what she meant. He made a brave test to move the foot he knew to be missing, but felt nothing but the very real pain in his leg.

"Don't strain yourself, doctor." She ordered motherly, pulling the thin white sheet up to his chest a little more. "Just rest. Relax."

"N-don't…" he let out a frustrated growl, but it came out as only a choppy whisper. She actually seemed to stop and listen to his protest. "My wife and daughter…where are…Allison and Diana…"

"They're just fine." She held up a hand. Lawrence felt like he could die of joy then and there. They were fine. Meaning they were _alive_. "They were here for the first few hours, but it was very late by the time they left. They'll be back in the morning to see you, I'm sure."

"Oh…that's…wonderful…" his eyes fluttered closed and he took a deep breath, tears absorbed into his eyelashes. They were alive. They hadn't been killed…It had to be some kind of miracle. "What about Adam?" his eyes snapped open. "Oh God, Adam!"

"Calm down, doctor!" Jennifer placed her hands quickly on his shoulders as he jerked, almost as if she were afraid he actually had the strength or intent to leap out of bed and escape. "Just lay back and sleep for now, don't worry."

"Where is he?" he hissed, wincing in pain as he tried to pull himself into a sitting position.

Jennifer cocked her head a little to look at him, a bland, curious expression on her face. "Who?"

"_Adam_!" he yelled out, this time successfully breaking the bonds of his weakness to bark out a sufficiently intimidating cry. She jumped back, startled. "God, you _found_ him! Tell me you found him!"

"O-Oh, you mean th-the young man that came in with you?" she raised her hands up to try and appease him. "I'm sorry, I didn't know his name."

"How could you not have even asked him his God damn--?" he ground out, but quickly clenched his jaw shut, forcing his head back down onto the pillow.

_His name is John. He's a very interesting person…_

"Where is he?" his voice now thuroughly scratched by his outburst, she had to strain to hear him.

"He'll be alright—" she began.

"Jesus…" he gasped in relief, rubbing his head again.

"You really shouldn't worry right now, doctor. The most important thing is that you get some sleep."

Lawrence didn't have the option if he wanted it. Within a few more aching minutes, after the nurse had left and the lights were dimmed, he fell rigidly again into a somewhat uneasy sleep.


	5. Stitches

**Rebirth – Chapter 5: Stitches**

_-Notes-_

_Agent182: …eh? I'm not sure I know why you'd say that. If you mean the line where Lawrence is recalling the incident with his patient 'John', that was just supposed to be an incident he remembered. That's not to say he necessarily made the connection that Jigsaw was 'John'. Thanks for the review!_

_Merry-2004: Sorry to keep the suspense! Lucky for you, this chapter is Adam-centered. Thanks!_

_Kaliska Vanka: Aw, ain't it adorable? XP I try to make their feelings seem somewhat…subtle. I mean if I one day woke up with all these feelings for another woman, I know I wouldn't immediately associate it with love. They'll get the hang of it eventually though, right? Thanks for reading!_

_Okay, so, on wit' it._

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"Dr. Gordon is still in surgery." The doctor informed almost nonchalantly as he began bandaging the splint onto Adam's left ring finger. He had unwittingly shattered it against the door in his overzealous pounding.

"I don't care." He said defiantly. "I want to see him."

"That's out of the question. Lay back. You need rest. You've got a mild concussion and you've lost a fair deal of blood."

Adam looked up in frustration at the middle-aged doctor, shaking his head. "Hey pal, I'm an American citizen—I fucking know my rights! You can't keep me in here!"

"Sir, I recognize that you've been through something traumatic," the doctor slowly straightened up in his chair, adjusting his glasses.

"Bullshit." Adam snapped back.

"However," the doctor continued. "I am under legal, and moral, obligation not to allow people to interfere with a medical proceedure. You may see Dr. Gordon when he is awake, and I deem you well enough to do so. Until then, you will abide by my advice and get some rest before you make yourself sicker. I'm only acting in regard to your best interest."

Adam looked down at his arm that lay in a sling, defeat eminent. He couldn't stand this anymore. He didn't know if Lawrence was dead, dying, or on his way to dying, and no one would tell him anything. He felt like a poor, desperate, stupid child, and the way the tears seemed to stand readily there for him was not helping any. Fatigued from excessive vomitting and bloodloss, there was little to nothing he could do but pity himself and wonder what was happening in the opperating room. It wasn't fair. The fear, the pain…it was all supposed to be over now. But maybe it never really would be. "Can I at least see him when he's out of surgery?" he asked quietly.

"Maybe in a day or so." Came the reply. "That depends on whether or not his—and your—condition improves. And I think the police have a few questions for you as well."

"I don't give a shit." Adam grunted, pausing to hold a hand to his violently spinning head. "What do I need to talk to them for? Aren't I the God damn victim here?"

The doctor gave him a stern look over the rim of his glasses, jotting something down on a clipboard that Adam didn't care enough to question.

"Can't I…? W-well can't someone just tell me…when they know he's okay? …Please?" he looked up hopefully with glimmering eyes, not daring to let more of his ridiculous tears spill. For fuck's sake, he was a grown man.

"Dr. Gordon is really no longer any of your concern." The doctor brushed off passively, rubbing under his nose with his pen. "Now, would you like one of the nurses to bring you something to eat?"

Adam grimaced. The idea of eating made his head spin anew. "No." he bit out.

"Alright then. Rest up. I'll be checking on you in the morning." The doctor—who, Adam just realized, had never bothered to give his name—stood and pushed the chair aside as he headed out the door, not sparing another glance at his patient.

He lay back again with an internal groan, unconcsciously clenching a fist before feeling a sharp stab of pain in that hand. His head was throbbing and his shoulder gave small distressed tremors as he tried to lie still, but at least he wasn't sitting on the hard tile floor anymore. He didn't remember exactly how he got here. He woke up somewhere between his ankle being bandaged and a light being shined into his eyes as some elderly doctor loomed over him. Everything hurt, and he was terrified. Now he was just anxious.

Alright, and still a little terrified. Anyone would still be freaked out, wouldn't they? That damn doctor had some nerve. 'Time for bed Adam, gotta get your beauty sleep'. Well he wasn't tired. In fact, he doubted if he would ever sleep again. Even if he could, there weren't enough drugs in this hospital to keep the nightmares away. To stop him from reliving 'the incident'. Fuck…that's what it would be referred to now, wouldn't it? 'Incident'. As if that could even half describe it.

It was the same as before, in a sense. Trapped in a dark room by people who could care less about his 'best interest'. Instead of chained to a wall, he was strapped to a bed. And this time, Lawrence's voice was not there to comfort him.


	6. Reshackled

**Rebirth – Chapter 6: Reshackled**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: XD Oh no! Hope you didn't get in trouble. Thanks!_

_Graymoon74: Oo Note to self, write book and avoid ass-kicking. I'm glad you enjoy my writing—I sure enjoy writing it. In movie stores? Huh. I don't know about where you are, but where I live it just came out in theaters hardly a month ago. Well good luck, and watch it, it's a good one. _

_Angelgardain666: Well here it is. Hope you continue to like it!_

_Agent182: --Looks at dead doctor on the floor-- Shucks, what a shame. And just two years left 'til retirement. Hey! Someone get this corpse off the damn floor, this is a sterile environment! Jackasses…Anyway, yeah, there's going to be a lot of Adam angst down the road. And let's see…while there will be sex in this story, it's not a pointless fuck-fest, so I'm gonna take my chances. It's important, because I don't know how to write romance without…you know, leaving in one very important aspect? Worse comes to worse, anyone who e-mails me will still be receiving chapters.(e-mail address is in profile)Thanks for the review!_

_So, with that said—_

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"Dr. Gordon?"

Somewhere out of the blackness, he was being called back.

"Dr. Gordon?"

It wasn't a warm, familiar voice. Where was he? That voice wasn't Allison…she didn't really have any occasion to address him as 'Dr.', anyway. So what the hell was…?

"Dr. Gordon, are you awake?"

Awake. Shit. Time to go to work. Was he late? He'd never been late.

"Dr. Gordon?"

"What?" he grumbled, trying to open his eyes.

"Well now there you are. I was beginning to think you'd fallen into a coma." Came the semi-joking voice of Jennifer. Oh damn it. He wasn't late for work—in fact, he'd spent the night there.

"I'm…What? What time is it?" he asked raspily, putting a hand over his face to try and block out the light.

"It's almost six o'clock. You've been asleep all day." she informed, and he felt her fixing at his pillow needlessly. "It's time to wake up now. You're wife and daughter will be here in an hour."

"Oh…I…alright." He slowly removed his hand to allow the light to seep in. Allison, Diana, of course. He was desperate to see them. "They're alright, you're sure?" he struggled to push himself into a sitting position, and the nurse helped him.

"Of course. They were a little shaken up, but they're just fine. Here, drink this." She again shoved a cup of water to his lips.

He gave her an indignant look before drinking some, then turned his head. As he did, he caught a glimpse of the clock hanging on the wall to his left. Six. He swallowed hard and shuddered, tearing his eyes from the clock and back to Jennifer, who was now checking the pulse in his wrist. "How are you feeling this morning, Dr.?"

He outright snorted and pulled his arm away from her. "How do you think?"

She merely stood staring at him.

He sighed, rubbing the side of his face harshly. "I'm sorry…I just…I'm fine, I suppose."

"Feeling well enough to eat?" she asked next, seemingly unphased by his mood.

He thought about the hospital food only momentarily before his stomach twisted. It was never any good, he knew that from experience. After all, during shifts he was too busy, he never had time to go anywhere else. The cafeteria was conviniently located. The idea of it now, though, even despite the fact he hadn't eaten in several hours, seemed grotesque. "No, I don't think…"

"Well I'll bring you something and you can eat it if you feel like it." She smiled, moving away from the bed.

Lawrence shook his head breifly, looking around the room. Wasn't she even listening? "What about Adam?" he asked determinedly, resituating himself.

"Adam?" …she couldn't possibly be saying she didn't remember…

"Yes. The man I was kidnapped with." He tried to say this calmly, but he was clearly irritated. "Adam. He's in his twenties, dark hair, prone to panic."

"Oh, him." She waved a hand. "I haven't heard anything about him since he came in."

"Well…couldn't you find something out?" he tossed a hand up.

"I wouldn't worry about that right now, Dr. Gordon." She dismissed.

"That's really none of your business, now, is it?" he narrowed his eyes. "You said last night that he was fine, I want to see him."

"I'm sorry, but for now we've limited your visitors to family members only." Jennifer informed.

What was _wrong_ with this place? In the one day that he was gone, did it completely fall apart? "I don't give a damn what you've _limited_ me to, this is my hospital, I can see any patient I want!"

"I'm sorry, Dr., but right now you're not in the position to be giving orders. You've been through a lot. I know you must be pretty stressed out." She tried to assuage him with a small shrug. "I'll level with you. Put yourself in my place, since I know you've been there more than once. I have a patient fresh out of surgery from a traumatic event bordering on mild delerium asking to see the condition of another unrelated patient. Knowing those factors, do you think it would be wise to let him have his way?"

"Yes." He countered indignantly. "Well…I…maybe not for just anyone, but that isn't the point—I'm a _doctor_, I _know_ the factors, don't I at least have some say in the way I'm treated?"

"I'm afraid not. Whether you like it or not, Dr. Gordon, we have to treat you along the same guidelines we treat any other patient." Jennifer nodded surely.

"Unbelievable." Lawrence scoffed. These were different circumstances. Didn't she see that?

"I'll bring you by something to eat in just a few minutes." She decided before exiting the room.

He sighed heavily and lay back on his pillows, trying to cope with a naseaous sensation of pain from his leg. He'd never felt so awful in all his life, if that even needed to be stated. He was an inch away from vomitting and he was weak and pale from loosing so much blood, and now the recovery. His leg burned with a maddening, though somewhat dulled pain. And this was the way his family was going to see him? A sick, unable man confined to a bed, newly snatched from the edge of death? He had to admit that selfishly he did want to see them very much. But when he thought about the look on Diana's face…he couldn't bare it.

And what was he supposed to tell her when she asked what happened to Daddy's foot, anyway? God…He looked down for the first time at the expanse of his body, trying to look at his mangled leg. Only to find that…his leg was casted. There was no sickly gauzed-up stump left from the teeth of the saw, only a bandaged foot in a heavy, stiffened cast. For a moment, it made him scarcely doubt that the whole thing had happened at all. But as quickly as it came, he immediately refused to let his hopes up. So they'd re-attatched his foot. He knew the probability of it remaining was extremely low. Chances were he'd end up losing it again. He tried once to move the foot, but only found another wave of searing pain stab through where the stitched scar likely lay. Cursing himself, he lay back again.

Stuck here. He'd spent the accumulative number of years out of his life in this hospital, but he'd never been trapped in it like this, and in one room no less. No restrictions had ever been made on him here, and for the first time, he truly hated this place. He just wanted to go home. This whole ordeal had made him appriciate home more than any place in the world. Even sitting at his desk, writing his boring papers, listening to his wife bicker at him for being so busy lately. And especially in his daughter's room, telling her some crazy kid's story or trying to think up some new way to get her to go to bed. She always found some way to get out of bedtime. Sometimes Allison would get fed up and tell him that Diana was his problem for the night. He loved it when she was his problem.

It killed him that he wouldn't be able to see her for days. At least, not while he still looked like this. He wouldn't have it. There was only Allison, and those would be some strange conversations after this. Their relationship had been so strained…this event had been horrid, but he didn't know if that would be enough to turn them around. To tell the truth, he didn't honestly know if he wanted it to. He wasn't sure if she would want to visit him much, anyway. There hadn't exactly been 'love' between them for years. They both knew that Diana was the only thing holding them together, but damned if he was going to say it.

He was even barred from seeing Adam. That was insane. All he wanted was to make sure he was okay, like he promised him he would be. It was true, Jennifer had told him that he was fine, but he hardly placed any trust in that when she couldn't even remember his name. She could be lying, also. Even though that was an incredibly outlandish thing to believe, he was just paranoid—and drugged—enough to think it plausible. Maybe they were trying to spare his feelings. But logically, nothing _should_ be wrong…right? A little shoulder wound, some cuts and bruises. What could have happened? …Of course, he could've had some kind of mental breakdown. He could be locked up in the phsyciatric care ward right now, the emotional reprucussions of beating a man to a pulp and being locked in a room marked for death pushing him straight out of his mind. Was it really so much to ask just to be able to _see_ him?

He felt a deep pang of sorrow as he thought of it. Poor Adam. He was so young. And now, his life was possibly ruined for good. How could he deserve that? And despite the lunacy of it, Lawrence felt partially responsible. Maybe it was just the fact that he'd shot him. Even if it was to save them both, there was a moment where Adam genuinely must have believed that he'd been betrayed. But still he'd come to in time to save the life of the man who had just supposedly stabbed him in the back. Perhaps feelings of guilt were natural in that situation, bizarre as it was.

He tried to close his eyes one more time. It was all too much to think about…too much to worry over. Too much that he couldn't do right now, bed bound as he was. He didn't want to deal with it all right now. Just give him a _few_ moments peace in this avalanche, that's all he was asking. If that damned nurse showed up again, maybe he could just…pretend to be sleeping...


	7. Tell Me Something New

**Rebirth – Chapter 7: Tell Me Something New**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Suck at reivews? Crazy talk! You tell me exactly what I want—what you think of the story. You couldn't possibly be 'bad' at that. Thanks very much. _

_Agent182: Handcuffs? Ooh, kinky. Yeah, I've had bad experiences with nurses. So I feel his pain. Thanks for stickin' with my fic!_

_The chapters will get longer eventually—I promise._

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"I already told you everything—it's been two hours." Adam said through slightly clenched teeth.

"We just want to make sure everything's clear." Replied the man sitting across from his bed. He was probably about in his forties, grayish hair and a rough mustache, a bit overweight. Detective Palmer, as he had been introduced. Next to him sat a younger, wirey man whose name Adam had forgotten since this conversation began. "Could you describe the man you killed?"

"We went through this already, do you want me to make you a fucking sketch?" Adam rubbed his injured shoulder. "You have his name and his God damn DNA, what good is another description gonna do you?"

"Sir, I know that you've been through a harrowing incident here, but we're only—" Detective Palmer began again.

"Will everyone stop saying that?" Adam threw out an arm. "Jesus! You wanna know something? You _don't_ know! So don't fucking patronize me." Even he had to admit he was being somewhat moody, but he was under a lot of shit lately. He was tired of being jerked around.

"Alright, now just calm down." Plamer advised, holding up a hand with a pen tucked between his thumb and forefinger. "You can see where we'd be curious about this 'Zep' character. The guy had clean hands up until now. He doesn't have any kind of record on him, and then he shows up out of the blue, having kidnapped a woman and child and found dead. It doesn't add up."

"I don't know, okay? I don't have any answers. I woke up one day after another night in my apartment, at _my home_, and suddenly, my life was _this_." He shook his head and sighed, wishing that they would take the hint and leave him be.

"Well I guess that's enough for now." Palmer said, perhaps actually taking sympathy on his state as he shoved the pad and pen back into his coat pocket.

"The nurse said Gordon was in room 204, sir." Muttered the younger detective in a lower tone, and Palmer nodded.

"Just…" Adam uttered as the two men stood.

Palmer turned to look at him with an arched eyebrow, intruigued. "What is it?"

"Um…It's nothing, really. I just wanted to…well it seemed weird that you didn't exactly ask me very many questions about 'Jigsaw'…You know he's the real killer…right? And he's still out there somewhere." Adam swallowed hard and let his glance drift between them.

The two officers looked at each other for a moment before Palmer shook his head. "Happy to inform you that that's not the case."

Adam gave a confused, blank stare.

"We found the old bastard in a heap hardly ten steps from where we found you, kid. He was a sick man. In more ways than one." He fixed at his tie momentarily. Adam felt a small surge of bile in his throat. "Tell the truth, I'm not sure we would've gotten him in time. Damn lucky something beat us to the punch."


	8. Old Acquaintances

**Rebirth – Chapter 8: Old Acquaintance**

_-Notes-_

_Agent182: Oh yes, from here on out, it's just emotional turmoil for old Larry. :D Thanks, I was hoping that the short chapters weren't getting on your guys' nerves._

_Kaliska Vanka: Yeah, I hate it when people do that. Adam's in a tough spot right now. He just wants to be left alone, but really, he doesn't want to be alone. If that makes any sense. :P Thanks!_

_AngelGardian666: Yes indeed, I killed him. Sorry! There are a number of reasons I killed Jigsaw, among the top being 1) he had no place left specifically in the story, 2) it gives the incident closure, 3) he didn't seem like he had much longer to live anyway. Thanks for the review!_

_Merry-2004: Yay! Well this one's a little longer, I think…Bwaa. Thanks. _

_Still got a looong ways to go._

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Meatloaf. Or steak…or something, lord, what was this?

Lawrence looked down at his plate with tamed horror, taking it all in for the first time. Had he never bothered to look at the food before he'd eaten it? If he had, surely he wouldn't have ever touched it. The smell of it was starting to make him feel naseous again. With another study over what was either applesauce or macaroni, he pushed the tray table away from his bedside, anxiously anticipating what was sure to be Allison's arrival.

He wondered what she would say to him. Would she be relieved? Or even care? He wasn't so sure that he deserved her concern… Would she be angry? Did she know about that petty little affair he'd almost gone through with? Oh God, he hadn't even thought about that…nothing really happened. She was never supposed to know. But when all the details about this event came out to the public, he could only dread what she would say. She would never believe that he hadn't gone through with it—after all, an affair explained everything too perfectly, didn't it? She would attribute their distance, their coldness, to that alone. She would be able to blame the entire collapse of their marriage on that. On him.

In truth, he wasn't sure what even made him think of an affair in the first place. But perhaps most affairs weren't really something you planned. Just…things that happened unexpectedly. And in those terms, his relationship—if you could call it that—with his mistress had been more planned out than any spontaneous moment of passion. Maybe he figured that another woman could ignite a fire in him that he was hoping hadn't died. But she hadn't. It was as though those feelings in him had just…frozen to death. Crushed under paperwork and an emotional dettatchment that had somehow spread from his patients to his own family. His inability to either love his wife or commit to even the passion of adultery made him fear that he was losing his humanity, bit by bit.

He looked back at his tray dejectedly, reaching out to clutch the drink in his fumbling fingers. Apple juice in a box. Well…not that that was at all immasculating…There was a knock at his door, and he tossed it back down.

"Dr. Gordon? Your wife is here to see you." Came Jennifer's voice.

He took in a breath nervously, making another glance over his body as the door opened. He hoped she wouldn't think he looked as awful as he did.

As Jennifer stepped into the room, Allison followed. Her hair was slightly mussed and she seemed undeniably tired, but to him, she'd never looked better. Finally, someone familiar. The two stared at one another for a long time in odd silence, Allison with her hand to her throat like she was going to cover her mouth and Lawrence merely gawking mutely. Jennifer had left them alone seconds ago, but neither noticed. They were only feet from each other…but still, even in this disaster, worlds apart.

"Lawrence…" she opened her mouth slightly as she gazed at him, at last breaking the quiet. He was awestruck to see tears gathering in her eyes, and immediately he knew he must've indeed looked as bad as he'd thought.

He swallowed once and looked away, a little overcome. "Please…" he quickly turned back. "I-I don't want Diana to…to see me…"

"I know." Allison nodded in agreement, forcing back a jittering sob as she wiped her eyes and took the few worrying steps to his bedside. "I know, she's…with someone. God, Lawrence, I never thought…" she reached a hand to him and let her fingers streak through his hair for a moment.

"It's okay…" he tried to smile, but it was rather weak. The warmth of her gesture brought tears in his own eyes, even if it felt somewhat forced.

"I'm sorry. About everything. I mean, when I think about the last thing I said to you, I-I-" she began, but he raised up a hand to take her wrist.

"It wasn't your fault." He assured. "Don't cry…"

"It's just the last thing you think would…" she bit her lip and squeezed his hand.

"I know." He made a better attempt at smiling. "But I'm fine now. We're all okay."

Another period of silence settled in, and the strange mood that Lawrence had predicted was indeed what came upon them. They were both shaken and disturbed, but where most couples would find solace in one another…well they just felt too much like strangers for that. Sometimes he wondered if they were anything more than roomates by now. But this—well, she was almost acting affectionate towards him again. She let go of his hand and leaned up against the wall slightly as she looked down at him.

"How's Diana? She's alright, isn't she?" he asked desperately, staring up at her with haunted eyes.

"She's terrified." Allison muttered bitterly. She quickly caught the sudden choke of pain in his eyes and cleared her throat regretfully. "I mean she'll be fine, Larry…You know she'll be fine. She's like you…Strong."

Despite the attempt at consoling him with those words, he couldn't help but feel that that made it worse. He didn't want her to be like him, not what he'd become. Did Allison honestly believe that he was strong? That he was capable? Well he'd thought so once, too. That was until he was reduced to nothing more than a madman's experimental trapped coyote. No, he wasn't strong. He wasn't as smart as he thought. If he was, he would have thought of a way to get out of there post haste. He could've got himself and Adam out of there before things came to the horrible end they did. He was stupid. He'd always been stupid. And weak.

"I'm sorry…" he said, looking down towards the end of his bed absently.

"For what?" Allison returned.

"For everything." He turned his head away miserably. "For this. This is my fault. All of it. That psychopath wanted me, and he went after you to do it…"

"No, don't—" she began, hesitating.

"If I wouldn't have left that night. If I'd just stayed. Or if I…I don't know…The reason the two of you went through all that hell was because of _me_."

"Don't pity yourself." She snapped, tears gathering in her throat and threatening to spill over. "Don't do that…"

He saw the look on her face and returned his gaze downward. "I just wanted to apologize." He almost winced in shock as he felt arms around his shoulders. It was another odd sensation, but at the same time, it was good. Her embrace, though somewhat unfamiliar after the years of its absence, made him feel for just a second that there was love again. He couldn't help but want that one thing more than anything right now, from whoever would give it. "I love you two…" he whispered lightly.

"We love you too, Larry." Allison sniffed hard as she pulled back from him, looking away. "I just don't understand how this whole mess happened."

"Believe me, you don't want to know." He said, letting out a stressful sigh. "It's better that we just try and…forget about it."

"Well I can tell you now that that's never gonna happen." She retorted, wrapping her arms around herself as though it were suddenly very cold in the room. "Not for any of us."

"All I meant is that this is something we should put behind us. That's all." He shrugged a little.

"Yeah, I get it." She rubbed a hand over her forehead worriedly. "Well…look, I'm sorry I can't stay long. Diana needs me back, I just wanted to make sure that you were—"

"Yeah, no, uh…of course. Go to her…T-tell her I love her, won't you?" he glanced at the clock.

Allison smiled slightly. "Yeah. She knows."

"I just want her to hear it…until I can see her." He insisted.

"Don't worry, I'll tell her. Just…get better, okay?" she went to the door.

"Sure." He nodded with a rather teary smile. "Not much else to do in this place."

"Goodnight Larry." She smiled back tearfully, and left him alone again in his room.

But he wasn't alone very long before another visitor arrived…


	9. Not A Moment's Peace

**Rebirth – Chapter 9: Not A Moment's Peace**

_-Notes-_

_Kaliska Vanka: Oh, I love keeping you all in suspense. AHA! Ha ha! --brick--Thanks for sticking!_

_AngelGardian666: Old people?! RUN! XD Glad you're still enjoying!_

_Merry-2004: Yeah, his death also fits in sort of a little later with the story. I plan, anyway. This is starting to get pretty involved! Xx'_

_Agent182: Aw, you aren't slackin'! Lol, you guys are so impatient. I love it. But then, so am I._

_Oh trust me, my pretties, things _will_ heat up. :D_

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"Dr. Gordon, you old son of a gun." Said a large man as he entered the room. Behind him was what Lawrence assumed to be his partner. "And here I thought I'd never see you again."

Lawrence looked at the man before him in confusion, hands situated in his lap while in a semi-upright position. Police officers? Someone could have at least warned him he would be up for questioning. But…he probably should've expected as much. "I'm…sorry…but…have we met?" he recoiled slightly in the instance that this was someone he _should_ know very well. Something about that gruff voice was a little recognizable, but he wasn't sure what to make of that.

The large man froze for a moment in his sitting before quickly shaking his head, seating himself in the chair next to Lawrence's bed while his young partner stood at his side. "Guess you don't remember me, it's no problem. It was five years ago, anyway."

"Alright…" Lawrence continued to stare at him blankly.

"The name's Derek Palmer. Detective Palmer, actually—under the current circumstances." He reached out and shook Lawrence's somewhat limp hand with a hard grip. "Maybe you remember my son? He was sixteen at the time. They said that the tumor he had in his chest was inopperable, but damned if you didn't prove 'em all wrong."

"Oh, I…" Lawrence blinked once, his head too fuzzy to try and recall such an incident. "Happy that I could…help…" he cleared his throat. "And how is he?"

"Great." Palmer said cheerily. "Like it was never even there."

"Good." Lawrence nodded, still a litte confused.

"Anyway, uh, we should get down to business here. Sorry, I mean I just, you know, had to say something. I owe you my kid's life." He withdrew a pen, glancing over a shoulder. "This is Detective Alex Franklin. We just wanna ask you a few questions about what happened, if you're up to it."

"Uhr, y…okay." He agreed. "Yes, anything you'd like." He pondered this situation and paused. "Did you talk to Adam?"

"Yeah, but let's talk about you, okay?" Palmer clicked his pen once, already jotting a line down on his pad.

"Well I just wanted…he seemed alright to you?" Lawrence studied their faces.

Palmer nodded. "Yeah, doctor said he was fine, anyway. He a friend of yours or something?"

"I guess you could say that." He nodded back. "Is there any way I could see him?"

"Well let's get a few questions out of the way first. Then we'll make sure to drop a word by the doc about it. Sound fair?"

"Sure. Alright." Lawrence rubbed the back of his neck, trying to focus on Palmer's questions.

"Okay." The detective looked up at him from his last written statement. "So let's start with the first thing you remember. Do you know how you got into that room?"

"Sort of." Lawrence dismally lowered his head as he remembered. "I was…getting into my car when someone attacked me."

"And could you describe your attacker?"

He thought about it for a moment, trying to somehow pull up a coherent description of what he'd seen out of the mess swimming around in his head. He wasn't prepared for all this again. "I don't know. It was wearing some kind of mask. A costume. Like…like a jackal, I guess."

"Did this guy get out of a car?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. Well maybe, I mean he must have. Or…I-I didn't see him get out of a car. I just turned around and he was on me. The next thing I knew, I was in a room, it was black, and there was a chain on my leg."

"Well then let's talk about that." The old detective straightened up, fixing his collar. Lawrence arbitrarily noted an annoying habit Palmer seemed to have in drawing out the length of the first word of every staring sentence.

"Alright…uh…let's see, I was lying on a tile floor. I woke up and it was black…and once I gained a sense of what kind of situation I was in…I was looking for a light or something. That's when I heard the screaming."

"That was Adam?" Palmer pressed.

Lawrence nodded sharply.

"What did you do?"

"I told him to calm down…And I found the light switch."

"And what did you see?"

"…A man. In the middle of the floor. He'd…shot himself in the head, there was blood pooling all around him. He had a tape recorder in his hand." He relayed, fidgeting a thumb and forefinger as if he himself held the said device.

"Uh huh. Right, and did you recognize the guy?"

Lawrence shook his head.

"Mh hm…Well Dr. Gordon, I hate to be the one to tell you that the man on that floor was the murderer we've been callin' 'Jigsaw'." Palmer revealed, and Lawrence's expression became alert instantly.

…No, that was wrong. The murderer was Zep. Or at least…the murderer's hired goon was Zep. But…well wait a moment, he…"W-what?" he tried to process this, but he couldn't seem to grasp at it. "What do you…mean?" But nothing more was said by his two inquirers. Both detectives remained silent as they observed his reaction to the news, Palmer with his pen ready to write down any notes. Lawrence's head was spinning all over again. "That's impossible…You mean to tell me that he locked us in a room and shot himself? That it was him lying there?" he shook his head. "Why?"

"It was staged. He wasn't dead." Palmer countered. "He was under the influence of an extreme opium dosage. It prohibited his movement enough to give him the appearance of being dead. Fuck knows why."

_That son of a bitch._ Said a voice in the back of Lawrence's brain, but most of him was still trying to understand what was being said. The man in the middle of the floor had been their kidnapper all along. At a damn arm's reach and yet completely above their heads. Why hadn't he taken the time to consider who that man had been? Why hadn't he…noticed something? He was a _doctor_, he was supposed to _know_ the difference between death and some drugged-up imitation. This had to be a joke. It had to be.

"Dr. Gordon…?" the room was silent, and the small creak emmitted from the chair as Palmer bent over slightly was very audible.

"I left…" Lawerence knitted his brow and looked down at his hands.

"What's that?" Palmer glanced over at Franklin and back to the doctor-turned-patient.

"I left…Adam." He rubbed his arm as a shudder passed through him. "With h-him…in that room."

Silence from the other end.

It all came back to him, even through the blurry haze of his tired mind. Adam begging him not to leave, not to leave him alone. Because he was scared, and hurt, and worried. But he had to go. They both knew he had to go. But…but if he'd known…What did he allow to happen? "Wait a minute…wait, so what…how did you find him? How… What happened? He got away? Did he hurt Adam, is that why they won't let me see him, w-what did he—!"

"Calm down there, doctor, easy." Palmer said instantly. "We told you; the kid's fine. We found him locked up in that room, bangin' on the door. He was hysterical, so we had to tranq him one, but trust me—" he gave Lawrence a stern look. "He's fine."

Lawrence took a breath, trying to calm his nerves. _Stop panicking._ He told himself. He didn't know what was wrong. He never used to panic. He was never that emotional, anymore at least. This whole experience had turned him into a blubbering child.—_And Allison's right, by the way._ The voice returned again. _Stop pitying yourself you pathetic bastard. _"…Then…what about Jigsaw? …What happened to him…?"


	10. Only To See

**Rebirth – Chapter 10: Only To See**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Thank you, thank you! I get an equal thrill when I see my 'review' alert messages. _

_Kaliska Vanka: Wuh…? I'm confused, who isn't dead? Did I confuse you? Or…did I confuse me? Um…anyway, thank you!_

_Agent182: Poor dudes, no one understands. Dun worry, though, things will happen. :D_

_Bell Pie: Another reader? --carves a notch into her block--I'm glad that you like it, hope I don't make the tension too annoying. :P I'm shocked that I haven't gotten any pointless flames yet. Does this mean that people are actually paying attention to warnings nowadays? That is so cool. Thanks!_

_Anway, this is not a short chapter. Enjoy._

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Jigsaw was dead.

Dead.

…It took some time for that to sink in for Adam as he lay facing the gray ceiling. In all of his glory, in all of his purpose, and in all of his self-righteous torment bullshit, he'd died just moments after his last little parlor trick. In one, big, graceless, far from noble 'heap', and Detective Palmer had put it. Adam couldn't help but allow himself a small, sadistic inward smirk just at that fact. After what he put him through—and especially the things he did to Lawrence—he deserved no better. But even so…it was hardly a victory.

So they had beaten a sick, dying, pathetic man. It hadn't even been them who'd done it. It had been some disease, some aimless factor they had no control over to begin with. Some fucking win. He supposed it wasn't the time to gloat anyway, though. Just to be grateful that he had indeed died before he had a chance to do any more harm than he already had. Who knows? He could've been after Lawrence in the very next instant. Adam shivered briefly in the wonder of that thought. But still…those words… _"In the drain of that bathtub…" _…

…Why?

Why would it matter?

He shook himself again to try and rid his head of these thoughts. He could hardly stand thinking about it…stuck alone in this pitiful room without a single familiar face or caring soul. It was…well, it was a lot like his apartment. Even still, he would rather have been there than here. At least in his apartment he could smoke.

Adam had never really been one for hospitals. He hated them, in fact. Bad memories came flooding back to him about being small and frightened—just six years old, specifically—bleeding profusely from a nail wound inflicted by a friend. His mother had been with him then, he remembered that much. To tell him it would be alright, to hold him while he cried like the toddler he was at the time. This was far worse, but he was older now. He should be able to face this without someone holding his hand. He lived his life alone, he'd learned to deal with that. He never could stick with a girl, never could find a roommate who would tolerate him and his weird, "creepy voyeur profession" as one girlfriend had dubbed it, or that he would even trust to stay out of his darkroom and not ruin his photos before they were developed. No. Everything about Adam said, "I'm desperately lonely, stay away".

He sighed and sank down into his bed a little more. When had he become so melodramatic? His life had never been _that_ bad, had it? Well…until now, he was reminded. Things had really gone down hill.

Right now all he wanted was to see Lawrence again, who, for all he knew, was dying in a coma somewhere. Or having bled to death during surgery, but no one had bothered to tell him because 'Dr. Gordon wasn't his concern anymore'. He snorted in resentment. They had no idea what they'd had to go through, or how much it might help if they could just…talk about it. See each other. See the results of what they'd struggled for. Maybe know and assure themselves that they would be okay, for his own sake, at the very least. Gee, that was all too damn much to ask, wasn't it?

Then again…it wasn't as if…he didn't know where Lawrence was.

He thought for a while before easing himself into a sitting position, mindful of his immobile arm. Yeah. Room 204…Whether or not those detectives had intended him to hear it, he had indeed heard it. Lawrence was in room 204. 204. So…what was he waiting for? At this thought, he sat up further, clumsily slinking a leg over the edge of the bed to touch the cold floor beneath. It was—he took an upward look at the clock—passed nine already…would someone be watching him? Maybe…well he was willing to take the chance. No one would tell him anything if he continued to sit here, and if he just saw Lawrence…maybe he could put his mind at ease. Just see him, was all. That was all. Why couldn't they understand that?

He stubbornly placed the other foot to the ground and pushed himself up to his feet a little wobbly. His ankle hurt, but he imagined it nothing in compared to his cellmate's pain. As he regained his bearings, he rubbed his sore arm once and headed unsuredly for the door, ignoring the haunting feeling that he should be looking over his shoulder. The door opened with a soft click, revealing a placid scene over the dimly lit hallways, toned down for the patients in the rooms adjacent to his own to get some sleep. It was quiet, obviously without the hustle and clamor of the emergency ward. As he slipped out of his room, he looked around in a small tremor of dizziness before closing the door behind him. Okay…now…what room was _he_ in anyway?

He turned back around a moment and scanned his eyes over the white door, feeling his hands around the surface as though sure he would miss something otherwise. Printed simply on the door at eye level was the number 116. Alright. 116. So the 200 level must be somewhat close by. He tried not to jump as he heard voices coming from down the other end of the calm hallways, whipping around again in the opposite direction with a quivering sigh. Better get a move on before someone caught up with him. He made a casual pace down the hallway, craning his head back to try and see the signs leading him towards the correct room. But where was he? First floor, second floor…third floor? Did this hospital have a third floor?

He kept careful watch on the room numbers that he passed. 119, 121, alright, he was getting closer. As he approached the rooms set higher into the 100 zone, he came to an elevator. So…200s, second floor. He was probably on the first. With this assumption, he took one last look all around him and prodded the arrow panel next to the door. With a dull 'cling', the doors shuffled apart, and he stepped inside. There was a small moment of worry as the doors closed, leaving him in the elevator a good distance from his stationed room. Would they be waiting for him when he exited? He wondered what exactly they could do…post a guard to watch him? He quickly dismissed this apprehension with the rationalizing that there was nothing signifigant they could in fact do. He was a man, not a child. It was his body, he couldn't be punished for what he did with it. Right.

The door opened, and the floor in front of him was much different than the one he had just departed. People were pushing about, all busied with some task, and out of some incredible luck, no one even looked to his direction, save some elderly patient who only spared a passing glance. Maybe he would actually get away with this after all. He glanced over to his side and caught the numbers 206 posted up outside the first door on the right. After a minute of debate, he turned awkwardly around and stumbled down the hallway behind him. 202…204. He stopped and rubbed his neck, staring at the numbers in contemplation. Was Lawrence really in here? He could've misheard. Or the cops could've been wrong. Oh Hell, if he'd come this far…he reached out and turned the handle with another look around, leading himself into the room cautiously. The gentle whir of machinery made it to his ears instantly as he walked in, eyes adjusting to the dull lighting when compared to the bright ones just outside.

On the bed was a sight that was both hard to bare and the most releiving scene that Adam could picture. It actually was Lawrence, and in whatever condidtion, alive. The machinery measuring his vitals gave an occasional click, and Adam watched in muted awe at the shallow dip that his chest made every now and then. Breathing, living, real-as-the-floor-beneath-his-feet Lawrence…He could cry.

But he wouldn't. God damnit, what was with the emotional head trips? He quietly shut the door behind him as he stepped in, both trying his best not to disturb Lawrence and hoping dearly that he would wake up all at once. Slowly taking the seat next to his bed, Adam swallowed hard and looked him over. He was pale. And weak. Just like the last time Adam had seen him. So where was he now? In a coma? Dying? Did he lose too much blood, did he pick up some kind of infection? What was wrong? Adam bit down on his lip and rubbed a hand over his head, digging his fingers into his hair and pulling at it slightly. Seeing Lawrence did give him small peace, but it also gave him more frustration. "Shit man…" he murmured in a rather pathetic tone, staring at him painfully. He reached out a shaking hand and placed it on that of Lawrence, unsure of what else to do.

He reveled in the fact that the hand was warm with blood. Warmth meant life. This man…how could his life have been compared with this man? Lawrence had a job, he had esteem, a wife, a daughter, a family, a life… Adam had…a camera. To think that this was the man who had risked his life and well-being for him. He could've shot him right off if it would mean that his wife and daughter would be safe. But instead, he chose to save him. He put so much on the line for a worthless, low-life stranger. One that he had the right to a personal vendetta with, none the less. All Adam had done was bitch and moan about his own problems. Poor, poor, selfish _pathetic_ Adam. And Lawrence, who was dying because of him. He lowered his head to rest it on the guard rail of the bed, heaving a sorrowful sigh.

Movement. "…Huh…Who's…?"

He almost fell over from the shock of hearing the husky voice above him and the twitch of the hand underneath his own, springing back up into a sitting position. Lawrence lay with his eyes open, tiredness clouding his vision as he blinked repeatedly at the man in his room.

Adam immediately raised up over him. "Jeez, man, you need a nurse or something? Uh, hang on, pal, I'll-" he made a move to turn, but the hand he had been touching now encircled his wrist momentarily.

"Adam?" he uttered in seeming disbelief.

The two stared at each other in a mixture of confusion and excitement, eyes locked upon one another as though they were sure that one would vanish.

"Adam!" Lawrence suddenly cried, reaching up his arms quickly and snatching him by the shoulders to pull him down into a friendly hug before he had a chance to protest.

Adam squawked in surprise as he was grabbed, awkwardly shifting his injured arm. "Y-yeah! It's me…" he choked out, muffled somewhat over Lawrence's shoulder. He tensed at first, but had to give in, clutching back at Lawerence with his good arm tightly. In times when comfort was needed, there was no substitute for genuine human affection. What did it matter where it came from?

"What are you doing here? They wouldn't let me see you, I don't understand. Are…are you okay?" Lawrence started.

Adam pulled back slowly, sitting again in his chair and trying to stutter out an explanation. "Fuck man…" he scratched the side of his face. "You're not the one who should be asking that…"

Lawrence pushed himself up with a wince as he studied Adam over. "The hell I'm not. That wound could've gotten infected—let me take a look at your shoulder—what happened to your head, w-why do you have a bandage—?"

"Jesus, Lawrence, _I'm fine_." He held a hand to his chest, and incredulous huff of breath jetting out his nose. "Do you have any damn clue what I thought was happening to you? Fuck, no one would tell me _anything_. I-I was…"

"I'll live, Adam." Lawrence decreed, holding up a hand a ways to silence him.

"Yeah. Okay. Sure." Adam shook his head, grinding the heel of his palm into his forhead with exsasperation. They both sat in another moment of mere staring.

"…You really are a sight for sore eyes…" Lawrence said, unable to stop grinning like an idiot.

Adam thought about the way he must have looked, and decided to take that statement as a grave compliment. "Uh…you…too." He replied. "But…so you're okay then? You're gonna be fine, right?"

"I already told you, yeah." Lawrence nodded. "Relax. Your jittering makes me nervous, you know."

"I'm sorry."

"It was a joke."

"Ha ha." Adam made an attempt at a sarcastic laugh, but it came out high-pitched and uncomfortably stiff.

Lawrence adjusted his pillow and paused, again looking Adam over. "Come here." He ordered, holding out his hand a little.

"Come where?"

"Let me see your head."

"…You're fucking nuts. A doctor already fixed it."

"What butcher did that? Just let me see it, I won't hurt you."

Adam cocked an eyebrow, opening his mouth to decline.

"It's a little habit I picked up, alright? You know, treating the injured. …Just humor me." He extended his hand again in a beckoning motion.

Adam gave a confused sort of shrug and moved closer, bowing his head down a little so that Lawrence could examine him.

Lawrence gingerly touched the area near the bandage, finding traces of blood still there. "Wonderful. Bang up job they did here." He said bitterly as he wiped some of it up with the side of his thumb.

Adam felt a dull thrum of pain as the fingers touched his bruised area, drawing up the memory of skull hitting tile. "Good to know these guys know what they're doing…"

"How did this happen?" his tone took on a more gentle approach, along with the clear, distant wander of concentration. He lifted the corners of the bandage, pushing it aside for the moment.

"I um…" Adam bit back a grunt as the feeling of pressure against his wound intensified. "Slipped."

"Mm hm…Does this hurt?" he pressed down cautiously, and Adam shivered. "Most of the damage is internal…this was a concussion, didn't they give you more than a damn bandaid?" Lawrence growled.

"I don't know…most of this stuff was done before I woke up." He closed his eyes against the soft ache beginning in the back of his head.

"They let you sleep with this? Do you know how dangerous that could've been?" he continued to test out the vulnerablility of various places around the initial crack.

"I flipped out. I don't think they had a choice." He smirked weakly. He didn't really know what Lawrence was searching for in his incessant prodding, but the pain was lessening. The feeling had faded from careful pushing to a more sort of light stroking along the bruised skin, a sensation that was growing to be somewhat pleasant, and so he did not pull away.

"They really could've done better here." He muttered still, taking the bandage again and securing the medical tape back onto the lightly scarring wound with expert hands.

Adam drew back, giving him a calculating look. "Seriously man. You don't have to be a doctor right now. You know that, huh?"

He thought for a moment before indignantly refusing. "_I_ would've done it much better."

"…Forget about it, okay? Don't stress over it." Adam tried, touching the back of his head for himself. He dropped his hand back into his lap and looked down. "Um…did you get to talk to your family? Are they…okay?"

Lawrence perked up slightly, a wave of happiness lighting on his features. "They're just fine. Thank you." He nodded.

"Good." Adam smiled to himself, eyes still downward.

"What about you, Adam? Isn't there someone wondering where you were?" Lawrence asked curiously.

He looked back up at that question, his mouth falling open a little. "Um…well no, no not really." He paused, almost as though he'd surprised himself with that answer.

Lawrence seemed also to be taken back by that. "You don't have parents? Siblings? Friends?"

"Well sure, but I mean, I don't talk to them…much. Not hearing from me for at least a couple of days is pretty standard for them." He admitted.

Lawrence could hardly picture it. "You mean there isn't anyone that you…see every day?"

Adam thought for a second. "Nope. Guess not."

He didn't understand how Adam could be so unphased about that. How could he live his life so entirely alone? Considering his job, he could see where there was no social outlet there. But to think that he spent his whole life that way…He supposed it was no wonder that Adam was so untrusting, so seclusive. Was that to say that he had spent a day in his own personal hell being tortured and shot and jerked around, and no one had even noticed his absence? And would he just go back from this into the same, wretched loneliness? Or…was it possible he really _wanted_ to live that way? "Well…I just…I'd be worried about you, if I knew you. I thought that someone might…ah…just…nevermind."

Adam observed the expression on Lawrence's face and felt a tingle of shame. So just now he was beginning to grasp the true pettiness of Adam's life, wasn't he? Maybe he hadn't believed it before. He felt as though he'd thrown all of his shortcomings in Lawrence's face in that one instant and said, 'Here, look at the bullshit nothing you risked your neck for. Worth it?'.

"…I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up something like that." Lawrence said.

"Like what?" Adam feigned ignorance, dismissing the stinging pain he felt when faced with his own reality for not the first time. "Some people are loners, I guess. No big deal."

"So then you consider yourself a loner?"

Adam shrugged hesitantly. "Sure. I must be. Never really got along with people."

"…Hm." Lawrence trailed off in thought.

Adam leaned back in his chair at that, again rubbing his bad arm in a sort of nervous habit. "So I guess you…you heard about Jigsaw." He stated it, hoping that Lawrence would simply agree—that he knew and he wouldn't have to be the one explaining it.

Lawrence said nothing for what seemed to be a very long time. Maybe he really hadn't heard about it. But weren't the police supposed to have talked to him about this already? If they hadn't, he'd just given him a disturbing riddle that he most certainly didn't need. As he returned his gaze, however, he found no trace of surprises on his face. Instead, Lawrence's eyes were drawn solemnly away, a hand absently rubbing at his wrist. "…Adam, I'm so sorry." He said quietly.

Adam glanced around. "…uh…wh-what? What, why? What do you mean?"

Lawrence gave him a funny sort of look that he couldn't quite make out. Something along the lines of 'you're killing me'. He didn't like it.

"I…" Lawrence stopped to clear his throat, bringing his eyes up to Adam's with regret that was palpable.

"What?" Adam twitched under that stare.

Lawrence looked at the clock. "I left you there…with him."

Adam felt as though a hand had gripped at his organs, squashing his lungs and making his breath hitch. He wasn't prepared for the sudden memory those words invoked—the madness-inducing memory of witnessing that dead corpse pull itself off the floor in some gruesome, macabre joke as he himself lay trapped and bleeding. Lawrence wasn't there anymore. He was alone. Alone, in that room, with that _thing_. He couldn't surpress a murmur of nasuea as he thought about it.

"Believe me, if I would've known for a second—" Lawrence piped up, trying to pull Adam out of his flashback. "—or if I would've thought that…I mean I…I should've suspected something, I know I should've."

"S-stop, it's not your…fault…" Adam shook his head and looked up at him again. "You had to go, I know…"

"You begged me to stay." Lawrence reminded.

"I was fucking out of my head for a second, okay? If you didn't go, wh-who knows, that fucker would've locked us both in there and maybe no one would've found us." He moved a little closer to the bed, resting his hands on the railing.

Lawrence fiddled for a moment with the tag on his wrist, breathing a sigh. "I don't know why, but…I feel somehow responsible. Maybe…there was something else I could've done. There had to be. There had to be another option."

"What the hell does it matter?—look," he reached a hand over to stop Lawrence's obnoxious fidgeting. "We made it out alive, right? Isn't that what matters? Who cares _how_? …Fuck, man."

"I…I-I know, y-you're right, I just…I'm still sorry." He placed his hand onto Adam's, which was currently sitting on his wrist.

Adam stared at the hand gripping his, responding with his own grip. "Hey, I'm…sorry too. For what it's worth."

The two met each other's eyes momentarily. Eyes that conveyed both pain and good nature at once, and also, a small hint of confusion. Neither was really certain why the other would be apologizing, but both very convinced that they themselves had wronged that other.

Just as Lawrence was about to speak, the door opened, grabbing both of their attention at once as they turned, frozen.

In the doorway stood a young nurse with longish brown hair, staring at them blatantly with a very befuddled look on her face.

It was almost comical, in a sense, the way the three of them simply stood, sat, and lay respectively like deer in headlights. At last Lawrence cleared his throat loudly and took charge of the situation. "Can I help you?"

The nurse gave a puzzled glance at Adam and stammered for words. "I-I was just coming to check in on you, Mr. Gordon." She enlightened.

"Well I'm just fine, thanks. Goodnight." He replied irritably.

"Oh…Uh…visiting hours are over. I'm afraid your friend will have to go home." She informed, pointing a finger at Adam.

Lawrence looked between them, somewhat incredulous. "He's a patient here."

"…Well then he'll have to go to his room." She paused, then nodded.

"What's your name?" Lawrence asked, stopping Adam as he made a move to stand.

She blinked, not understanding. "Lisa."

"Alright, Lisa. And you know who I am, right? The name Lawrence Gordon isn't familiar to you?" he raised an eyebrow.

Again she hesitated. "Um, yes, Dr. Gordon, of course. B-but—"

"Then just get back to your shift, will you? Adam is under my care. I'll have you know that you're interfering in a very dire discussion about my patient's health, and if you don't want to be written up for it, I suggest you don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." Lawrence warned.

The nurse practically jumped, stuttering a mouthful of sincere apologies as she backed out of the room.

Adam looked to the door and then back at Lawrence with a disbelieving laugh. "Man, you really put the fear of God into her."

"The new nurses are easy to scare off. They don't have the confidence yet. Lucky for us." He shrugged.

"Is she gonna tell someone?"

"Maybe. I don't know." Lawrence waited a moment, watching the door.

"Think I should get out of here?" Adam gestured over a shoulder.

"…I wouldn't mind the company if you stayed." Lawrence admitted.

Adam had to empathize. He didn't want to go back to his deserted room alone again. "Neither would I."

Lawrence nodded again and took another look at the clock. "…It's good to see you, Adam."

"Yeah. Think you said that already." Adam pointed out sardonically.

Lawrence chuckled and lay back. "Anything worth saying once is worth saying again, I guess."

Adam couldn't help but smile in agreement. "…Well in that case…s'good to see you too."


	11. Reconcile

**Rebirth – Chapter 11: Reconcile**

_-Notes-_

_Agent182: Oooh, getting better eh? Thanks! I hope you guys aren't too irked about how long it's taking to get to the whole romance deal (i.e. what the story's supposed to be about) but I'm trying to develop here. Stay tuned!_

_AngelGardian666: XD! Oh, someone will get naked eventually, I'm sure. _

_Kaliska Vanka: Ugh! I have issues with nurses…Dun worry though, they'll go away soon. :D_

_Merry-2004: Muahhahaha! Scary scary Dr. Gordon. As for posting anywhere else? Heh, I don't think so. I'm happy to stick in a big place like this, where it's easy to go unnoticed. I'm a freaked out anti-socialist, sometimes even online. Besides, some of the subject matter in this story isn't exactly…agreeable by all. Thanks for reviewing!_

_Things get worse before they can get better, right? Let's read and find out…_

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"Daddy!"

Lawrence's eyes snapped open as a high-pitched voice rang in his ears, jumping in a motion that might have caused him to fall out of bed had there not been a rail to prevent it. "Diana?" he rubbed his head and tried to focus his vision.

The young girl was suddenly by his bed, reaching up her arms to him desperately.

"Diana! Oh Diana—" Lawrence's tired haze was easily sliced away by joy as he grabbed for her.

"Diana! Don't—" Allison's voice followed from behind in a scolding tone, but she stopped at she saw his reaction.

He held his daughter to him as hard as he dared, kissing her face a few times before he laughed aloud. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too!" she said, and he could already hear the tears in her voice. "Why are you in the hospital Daddy? Why?"

"It's okay, it's okay, don't cry…" he pleaded, looking at Allison painfully for a moment. She returned the emotion. "Daddy just had an accident…that's all…but I'm gonna be fine now. See? Don't I look okay?"

"I know you didn't want her to see you in the hospital, Larry, but…she just had to." Allison said as she came over, placing a hand on her daughter's head. "It's been a couple days, so I thought it would be alright."

Lawrence couldn't decide what to feel. It was true, he looked a little better than he had a few nights ago, but still in an unhapppy position for his young daughter to see him. "It's fine." He uttered.

No one said anything for a while, only a series of sniffles coming from Diana as she gripped the front of her father's shirt. "The bad man hurt you too, didn't he, Daddy?"

Lawrence cringed and opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn't find the words. He wanted to lie to her. When he thought about Jigsaw and what he intended for her, he almost couldn't contain his rage. "…The bad man's gone, Diana. For good. He can't hurt anybody any more."

She pulled back, looking up at him with tear-stained cheeks. "Did he die?" her tone was fearful, but twistedly hopeful as well. It was unnerving to hear such a grizzly hope come from the mouth of a child.

Lawrence put what was a relatively large hand in comparison to her face, pushing her hair away and wiping off the tears. With a simple grim nod on his part, she was quieted. He ignored the morbid thought, however, as he studied her. It was as though he was seeing her for the first time again, the fragile newborn to whom he had been half responsible for creating, and he was overcome with a sense of relieved gratitude just for having been able to hear her voice again. "I love you." He said plainly, never so honest. He hugged her again.

"I'll…go get a soda, okay?" Allison looked down at Diana, then back to Lawrence. "You want anything."

"No thanks." He answered back in a grateful tone.

"Okay. Well I'll be back in a few minutes." She forced up a smile.

"Are you okay, Diana? Are you doing alright?" he asked as he watched Allison depart.

She nodded, still clutched into him. "Guess so."

There was a long moment of silence between them after that, no words needed to be spoken. Lawrence was elated with the feeling of true, real love, something that he had missed avidly when it was not there, and something he had admittedly pushed aside at times.

"What's wrong with you? Are you sick?" she asked timidly.

"No, honey, I'm just…well…I…" he faltered, trying to pull up a soft explanation. "I hurt my foot is all." He half-lied. That wasn't all. That wasn't nearly all. But he couldn't possibly explain to her the real circumstances. He could barely comprehend them himself, let alone a child.

She looked down curiously at the cast covering his deadened foot and wiped her eyes. He was never so grateful for the sight. He honestly doubted that it was even possible to have that foot functional again, but she didn't have to know it. She didn't have to see what he'd been forced to do. And that was all that mattered. "Is it broken?" she asked innocently.

"Uh…well yes, sort of." He nodded as he watched her staring at his injury.

"How did you break it?" her eyes went back to his, and he swallowed.

"It…was…just an accident." He justified pitifully. He had to think on his feet here, no pun intended.

She seemed to accept this for the time-being, enough, at least. "Where?" was her next question.

He tried not to hesitate too long. "Diana, um…"

"It was the bad man's place, wasn't it?" she prodded.

He both cursed and blessed her at once for being so intuitive. "Y…yeah." He faked a smile and brushed a hand through her hair. "But I was too smart for him. I got out."

"How did you get out?" she sniffed one more time and looked up at him intently, much as she did when he told her stories in the past. None so grim as this, granted.

"You know…oh, well," he sat up a little better, determined to hide the surge of pain that came from his leg as he moved. "A friend helped me."

"Who?" she glanced down at his foot again.

"His name is Adam." Lawrence smiled.

"…Did the bad man get him too?" he caught fear in her eyes, and he knew why. He didn't want her to think that those evil bastards in the world had the power over anyone they wished.

"…Well what I do know is that it's because of Adam that the bad man's gone." He decided. "He's a very good person."

This seemed to lighten her spirits just a tad. "Really?"

"Yep." Lawrence confirmed. "…If it weren't for Adam, I'd…" he paused. _Whatever you were about to say, drop it. _His mind told him as he looked upon his only child. He didn't want to scare her, not again.

"What happened to him?" she asked when he did not continue.

"He's fine. He…hurt his shoulder, so he's in this hospital, too. I've been talking with him for the past few days." He told her truthfully. Even if he had only seen Adam one other time besides the first, his presence had done him good. It was impossibly lonely here, especially with only nerve-wracking memories to accompany him. He imagined it was the same for Adam.

Diana appeared to be thinking for a long while on that statement. As long as she was not displeased, Lawrence didn't fret her silence. She took his arm after a moment and examined it for herself, studying the paleness of his skin. "When are you coming home, Daddy?" she asked.

"In…well maybe in a week or so." He bit his lip as he watched her reaction.

Tears were already filling in her eyes again as she looked back up at him once again. "But…that's a really long time…"

"Don't worry…" he pulled her into him again. "Don't worry…you can come and see me every day." He kissed the top of her head and pushed her back to look at her. "And every time you see me, I'll be better and better until before you know it, I'll be going home with you."

"I just want you to come home now." Tears leaked from her eyes, and she shook her head.

"I know. I want to go home too. But it's not time yet." He assured, pushing her head back up against his chest.

She sniffed hard and lowered her tone to a small whisper. "…I hate this place." She said, almost in a way that said she was afraid of what he'd say about that.

Lawrence froze for a moment in surprise when the sentiment hit him. It was a nagging feeling that muttered_…So do I_.

Lawrence looked up slowly as he heard steps entering the room, halfway into making a comment to Allison before he realized that the figure approaching was not his wife.

"Hey—oh…yikes, sorry, I didn't mean to um…" Adam stood near the door, one hand in his pocket and the other scratching the back of his head. It was then that Lawrence registered Adam's attire. He was dressed in casual clothes—jeans, a white shirt, and a blue overshirt—not the standard issued hospital gown.

"Oh, Adam." He pulled back a little from Diana, a hand still resting on her head. "No, uh…come in."

"A-are you sure, 'cause really man, I can just—" he gestured over his shoulder with a thumb.

"No, it's fine." Lawrence insisted. "But what are you doing here like this? I mean, shouldn't you be…?" he blinked.

"That's what I came to tell you…uh...." He started, his eyes continually finding the young girl near the bed.

Lawrence snapped out of his momentary confusion and smiled. "Diana, this is Adam. Remember? I was telling you about him?"

She looked up at Adam with wide eyes.

"Oh…" a nervous but affectionate smile appeared on Adam's features. "…Hi there, Diana…You're Dad told me about you." He hesitantly held up his hand in a small wave.

"He did?" her eyes went back and forth between them.

"Well sure I did." Lawrence laughed slightly. "Uh…Diana, why don't you go find your mom for a few minutes, okay? Adam and I just needed to talk for a second."

Her tears were miraculously gone, as was the superhuman power of any child, and she nodded in obedience. "Okay." She turned and trudged towards the door, but she stopped at Adam, looking down at the ground shyly.

Adam gazed down at her with wonder. "Hey…"

"Thanks for getting rid of the bad man." Her eyes darted from his face to the floor. With that, she crept forward and hugged up against him for a quick second.

"I-I…" he stared down with clear shock, fumbling for words. "Well…yeah…O-okay." He tenatively patted her head, the smile coming back to him.

"I hope your shoulder gets better, too." She stepped back and tried to find any signs of injury in either of his shoulders. Covered by the shirt, she could see none.

"You know what, I think it already is." He tapped his bandaged shoulder. "Thanks a lot."

"Okay. Well I'll see you later." She said before leaving the room.

"Bye." He looked after her, holding up his hand. He turned back to Lawrence, who had a wide smile like he knew something Adam didn't.

"Didn't I tell you she was great?" he said lightly.

Adam nodded cheerily. "She is. She's…well she's really beautiful."

"So," Lawrence fixed his position again. "what's going on? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, great." He said, moving to the chair. "Um, well look, I got discharged today."

Lawrence stopped, staring at Adam in what couldn't quite be called astonishment, but was more slightly bewildered. "Oh…well, that's, that's great, Adam."

He sat down, rolling his wounded shoulder once with a shudder. "I just, you know, thought I should tell you."

"Yeah…" Lawrence meant to say more, but he wasn't sure what else there was. The truth was, he didn't feel comfortable with Adam leaving. Not because he worried about his health, or because he would feel lonely in this place without him (granted, those were both very small concerns, but easily dismissed), but because of what that meant for Adam to face. Based on the conversation that had taken place a few days ago, he could assume that Adam was just going to file back into his old life. Alone, in his apartment, with nothing and no one again. Just the memories. There was no worse company than that. Life could simply go on for him, haunted by this awful thing. No one had noticed that he was gone—mabye Adam wouldn't even see the reason to tell them about it. It would be possible that his family could miss the news, even as big as this story surely would become…He had been tormented and violated, and he was just going to…push it down. Lawrence quickly shook the thought away. Now his mind was just making up stories. …He hoped.

"So…how are they?" Adam asked, obviously referring to Lawrence's wife and child.

"Good." Lawrence replied thankfully.

Adam nodded and paused again, looking down at the floor distantly. "Um…well, here." He leaned forward and dug through a pocket of his shirt, producing a folded slip of paper that Lawrence took from him curiously.

"What's this?" Lawrence unfolded it.

"I-It's my uh, phone number and address. You know, so you can get a hold of me, if you need to."

"That's great," Lawrence said, scanning over the paper. "I should give you mine."

There was a scrabbling moment where Lawrence rummaged through his surroundings for a pen, then some paper. At once he was scribbling down quickly, Adam peering over his arm to see. After a few impatient moments, Adam snorted. "You writing me a number or a phonebook?"

"Here." Lawrence handed it up, pointing to the series of numbers he'd written. "Um…well that's my home number here, up top. Then my cell phone number. The next is my work number if it's an emergency and then you can page me here," he motioned lastly. "or you can ask th-"

"Whoah, hey, alright man." Adam chuckled, taking the paper. "Unless your house is situated in an ass-corner of Area 51, I'm sure I can find you."

He watched Adam fiddle with the paper between his fingers before he folded it languidly in a single crease and placed it back into his pocket. "Guess you're going home tonight, then." Lawrence prodded.

"Yeah." Adam said. His voice was clearly mixed with emotion, an odd tangle of discomfort and relief all at once. Lawrence understood.

"And…you'll be alright?" he tilted his head a little to try and catch Adam's gaze, seeing that he was purposefully holding his eyes away.

"Sure." He responded stubbornly, wiping a hand over his face in what Lawrence was beginning to suspect was a nervous gesture.

"Sure." Lawrence repeated. "I just…you know…"

"Just gotta find a new gig. Do some shopping maybe." He shrugged, trying to keep the mood light.

"You know what I mean." Lawrence cut through his façade.

Adam bit down on his lip, releasing a gruff sigh. "Hey man, it's _over_…I can take care of myself, I'm not a fucking kid."

"I didn't say that, I…" he recoiled a little, noting Adam's awkward mood. That alone told him all he needed to know. Despite the wall he was trying to put up, Adam was already having trouble dealing with all this.

"Uh…I-I had something else before…this." Adam tried to continue. "A job, I mean. Looked like it would pay pretty decent."

"Good." Lawrence nodded. "That's good."

"Yeah." He said again. "What about you, you gonna be alright? I mean, until you can work again, I guess."

Lawrence pondered at that grimly. Honestly he hadn't even contemplated what it would be like to come back working here. Would he even be able to? Assuming he would lose his foot, which was a very likely possibility, what would he do? …If Jigsaw's intent hadn't been to kill them, it surely must've been to ruin their lives. And he couldn't help but think that maybe he'd done a good job of it. He didn't know anything else but to be what he was. He'd gone through years of medical school, hours upon hours and sleepless night after sleepless night studying terms and conditions and trying his hardest to pass his exams. He'd never even given a thought to anything else—he didn't have time. He quickly surpressed the momentary panic and looked back at Adam with an intake of breath. "Yeah. I'll be fine."

"Right." Adam glanced at the clock, then to the door. "Lawrence, um," he scratched the back of his head, unwittingly grazing the still-healing cut. "can I come and see you here? Well, I-I guess, I usually work at night and all, so maybe sometime during the day…"

"Of course." Lawrence agreed hastily. "If you really have time…I'd like to see you."

"All I've got is time." Said Adam with a smirk, but something in that statement made Lawrence somewhat sad.

"Great. I appriciate it, Adam." He thanked, looking down again at the paper in his own hands.

"Okay. Well I better go." He said at last, standing. He looked down at Lawrence hesitantly as if he wanted to say—or do—something more, but whatever it was, it was forgotten as he went for the door. "I'll be back tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure."

"…See ya."

"Bye…" he watched Adam go with restrained objection to his departure.

Adam gave one last look to him, a confused and unreadable emotion in his eyes before he was gone. Lawrence sighed, wondering if Adam, or himself for that matter, would really be okay…


	12. Back Into the World

**Rebirth – Chapter 12: Back Into the World**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Thanks! Guh…Dialogue is sometimes the easiest thing in the world…but usually it's the hardest. Oh the romance will be…spicy. :D_

_AngelGardian666: Yes! You've uncovered it! Adam's a man-whore! --sob-- Oh where did he go wrong? Oh well. I don't think Larry would like that very much! Either that or he'd be paying Adam's salary coughcough. _

_Bell pie: Oh just you wait. ANGST STARTS NOW! Ahahahaha--…yeah. _

_I must confess…Angst is fun to write. So…read on._

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Cluttered. Poorly lit. Badly unkempt. Exactly as it was the moment that Adam left it. His apartment reflected himself: complete disarray. He wasn't sure why he stood there at the door for so long, eyes falling over the mess of magazines and old photographs scattered on tables and chairs. _Back where you belong. _Said something in the air. He didn't know if that thought was reassuring or the most depressing thing he'd ever heard. Judging by his luck lately, it was probably the latter.

He finally stepped in, shoving his keys back into his pocket and shutting the door behind him. It felt like home, in the most unnerving way. He'd always hated this place, but now, he also feared it in a strange sense. After all, if it was so easily broken into by one maniac, why not another? He was just a scared little kid again, worried that the boogie man lived in his closet. To his mild horror, things were still in a mess from where he remembered being attacked in the hallway…His camera even still sat dropped on the floor, a small chip broken from it and lying a rough foot away. It made him feel sick to think about what was on that film. This shouldn't shock him. No one had been here since it happened, why shouldn't everything be the same?

_God, this place is such a fucking mess._ Adam thought to himself. He'd always known this, but repeating it seemed to give him the small assurance that he wasn't just a slob—he _knew_ it was disasterous. He arbitrarily scooped up some strewn out papers from the floor and crumpled them into a nearby garbage can without bothering to see what they were. Maybe he would actually get around to cleaning this place one day. It wasn't so bad…was it? It's not like he just threw food on the floor or never took out the trash or refused to do his laundry—it was just that he…kept everything. But something could be said for the pettiness of just that.

He litterally lived in his work. Everywhere he turned, everywhere he moved to sit or look there were stacks and mussed piles of photographs. He had a passion for photography, there was no doubt about that. But the nature of the images surrounding him was far from beauty and placidness. No. They all portrayed something of a far more dark nature. Men and woman alike, leaving their houses, getting into their cars. Meeting their secret lovers or conducting their forbidden affairs. Proof that none of them were who they said they were. All the faces of strangers, gathered around Adam's equally dark apartment. He didn't know any of them. He didn't care. They were just selfish, cheating, liars. Easy to judge. He found them, took their pictures, and accepted whatever money he could. His job was to prove that these people were as awful as he judged them, just for one action.

He leaned back a little to peer into his darkroom, which still was littered with pictures hanging on the line and some half-developed and ruined. This was the most familiar part of his home. He'd spent enough time in there to be seeing red permenantly, staring hard into the blackness of a photograph until at last an image surfaced. One little image that would throw someone's wretched life completely out into the open. He didn't care. They did something wrong. It wasn't his problem. But as he slowly trudged back into the room, flipping on the crimson light that made an eerie glow across his skin, it felt different. His profession. A true paradox. Exposing people for all that they were, for all their sins, when he himself kept his alone and secret. That dark shadow in the corner, profitting off of the problems of others.

Looking up just a little to his right, the last photos of his work hung dry and finished, obliviously waiting for his return. He reached up methodically, plucking the first down to bring it closer. …Lawrence…Adam stared down at the picture as though it outright accused him of exactly what he knew himself to be guilty of. This had been another picture of a man he could have cared less about. Just some scandalous letch looking for a good time that he was getting paid to tail. The photos were finished. He shivered at the knowledge of how close he'd come to doing something with them, tracing a finger gently over the surface. He'd come so close to stringing Lawrence up for all to see, to kicking the shaking leg of his foundation and watching as it crumbled. And he wouldn't have even cared.

_"I never cheated on my wife!" _

The words echoed slightly in his head. He shakily clutched the picture, eyes wandering up to scan over the rest of the collection. _I'm sorry…_he dropped the photograph with a growl and gathered the rest as quickly as he could, ripping them all down from the line and taking them out of the room, where he crushed them down into the trash angrily. He had no right. Even knowing what Adam had been set out to do, Lawrence had still…done so much for him…

He painfully leaned down over a desk with a sigh, his head hurting. He was so pathetic…The very thing he had unconsciously accused all the men and woman he had been photographing of having been. At least they _had_ lives to ruin. A small, distinct flash of red light made him jump instantly, eyes searching over the desk in front of him until he found his phone. Messages. Someone had actually called while he was out.

He lifted up from the table, slightly terrified. What voice would be on the other end of that message? He knew it was paranoid to believe that it could be…that voice he would remember and fear for the rest of his life…but even still…He took a breath and steadied himself, touching the 'replay' switch and staring intently at his answering machine.

"Hey, Adam, where the fuck are you? It's Eric." The voice started.

Eric. Yeah. He met Eric a few weeks ago in a bar. He was the one to offer him a new gig. Eric Fisher, convinced that his wife was sleeping around with what she'd been claiming to be just a cousin of some sort. A sick case, really. Most of them were.

"You said you'd be here…well fuck, call me back, okay?" there was a click, and a beep, signifying the beginning of another message.

"Man—" Eric again. "—fuck you. You gave me a specific time to call, and well, here I am. Unless your sitting in a bathtub of ice somewhere with your kidney missing, I'm not taking any fucking excuses." Adam felt the vomit crawling up his throat. _Get a grip, just get a grip…_ "You said you were always home. Fucking call me back or you can find a new client."

After that there were no messages. That one had been received two days prior. So much for the new job…Not that he could say he was so dissapointed.

With a slight moan, Adam turned, walking back to the frontal region of his home. He came to his bed, plopping down onto it and brushing off a few magazines. His head was pounding and his shoulder ached, along with the burning in his ankle and the soreness of his fingers. Putting his head down into his hands, he closed his eyes, ashamed, conflicted…and ultimately…alone.


	13. Visitor

**Rebirth – Chapter 13: Visitor**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Hehehe, oh we're getting close. :D Thanks!_

_Kaliska Vanka: Adam'll go through some tough stuff through the rest of the story. Dun worry, Larry'll be there for him. Eventually._

_Agent182: Naw, don't worry about it! Yeah, Adam fell in with a sucky crowd, it looks. They'll be some depressing Adam angst coming up. But he'll feel better soon! Maybe…_

_AngelGardian666: --hopes that she doesn't find secret stash of hawt men I keep in my closet-- …Ehehe…:P_

_Yeah, well. Thanks for the patience thus far! Um, just as a forewarning, the next chapter is pretty short. So there will be a shorter time between it and it's follower._

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"You have a visitor today, Dr. Gordon." Jennifer announced as she came into the room. He'd been seeing a lot of her lately, much to his chagrin. He might have had a disliking for any doting nurse, but Jennifer in particular was just…always there…He never got a moment's peace.

"Who?" he muttered, rubbing his head as he tried to pull himself out of his stupor. Allison and Diana had been by here this morning…

"An Adam is here to see you. I can always tell him that you're not feeling up to it." She informed.

Lawrence gave her one of those 'don't _doctor_ me' looks, a look that he had been giving out more than often lately. "Why would you tell him that? I want to see him."

"Alright." She agreed, exiting the room once more.

Lawrence slowly sat up in his bed, readjusting the pillows and trying again to rub the sleep from his face. He was overjoyed to see Adam. He had promised that he would visit yesterday, but for whatever reason, hadn't shown up. Truth be told, he was a bit worried. It relieved him to hear of his coming.

Within a few short moments, Adam was in the room. "Hey there." He greeted with a smile.

"Hey there yourself." Lawrence returned.

Adam stood for a few seconds, gazing at his friend intently before closing the door and coming to sit. "Sorry…I-I meant to come by yesterday, but I was taking a lot of painkillers and I was kind of out of it…"

"It's alright." Lawrence waved a hand. "You didn't miss anything."

Adam smirked. "Okay."

He watched Adam for a while then, taking in his appearance with concern. Adam didn't exactly have a strong ability to grow facial hair, but it was clear that he hadn't shaved in some time. He was looking rather pale and fatigued, no better, if not a bit worse off, than the last time he'd seen him just before he'd been released from the hospital. _Haven't you been taking care of yourself, Adam?_ He wondered worriedly.

"How are things?" Lawrence asked lamely, trying to spark up a conversation.

"Same old same old." Adam shrugged convincingly. "Nothing exciting, if that's what you mean."

"You haven't…I don't know, talked to your family?" he queried. Adam was looking away again.

He shook his head a little. "No, uh…I don't know. I'm kind of…freaked out about this whole news thing. My name in the headlines. That's a conversation I really want to avoid, thanks."

"They'll worry about you." Lawrence said surely. He caught the cynical expression on Adam's face and felt a pang of sympathy. It was a look that said, 'you wouldn't know'. _You were gone for a day and _I_ worried about you…_

"Maybe I'll just change my number, you know? Hah…" Adam swallowed.

Lawrence grimaced and studied his visitor again. "…Have you been sleeping?"

Adam looked up, freezing for a moment in surprise. "What?"

"You look…really tired." Lawrence explained.

"Come on, man," Adam started with a weak laugh. "Don't go all doctor on me again."

"I'm serious, Adam, you're fatigued." He insisted.

"If you're gonna harp on someone, take a look at yourself." Adam turned the subject, pointing at him. "You look like you've lost weight. I mean a lot for just a few days. Don't they feed you?"

Lawrence thought back. He hadn't eaten much at all since he'd gotten here. Jennifer had even warned him about needing to eat more and that it was not healthy to be losing the weight he was, but once again he would give her his 'fuck off' sentiment. "The food here's terrible." He defended. "Not like I couldn't afford to drop a couple of pounds anyway."

"You want me to bring you something?" Adam offered.

"No, it's fine." Lawrence dismissed. "It's been hard to find an appetite."

"I know what you mean." Adam concured dismally.

Lawrence nodded. Adam was really the only one who could say that, these days.

"Your family been seeing you?" Adam asked next.

"They came by today, just a few hours ago actually." Lawrence said, then he paused. "Oh, in fact…Diana brought me something. For you."

Adam tilted his head curiously. "Me?"

Lawrence smiled and reached over to the bedside table, shuffling through some papers until he found one. "Yeah. She drew you a picture."

"Seriously? Aw, man-" he reached over and took it, finding a picture laced with crayon lines. It was a man, he supposed, standing in the middle of the paper with a cape and the word 'Adam' scratched across the shirt. He smiled broadly and touched it. "Am I Superman?"

"I think so." Lawrence grinned.

"What exactly did you tell her about me, anyway?" he didn't look up from the drawing.

"As much of the truth as she needed." Lawrence said, thinking back.

There was a ghost in Adam's eyes that made Lawerence's smile fade, but it was quickly pushed away as he rolled up the drawing in his hands. "She's good. Finally I can put something on my fridge."

"You should see mine." Lawrence replied, smirking as he thought of his drawing-covered refridgerator. It was colorful, at least. "How's your head? Still hurt?"

"A little. It's getting better, though." He touched said wound. "You holdin' up?"

"Yeah." That was a lie. His stomach would never settle, he was developing some kind of immunity to these painkillers, and he was still stuck in this hospital with an obnoxious nurse. Not to mention that if and when he lost his foot, he was potentially out of a job.

"Really? How's your…your leg?" Adam cleared his throat quietly in an uncomfortable way.

Lawrence noted it and sighed. "Hurts. It'll be fine." He didn't want to tell him that it was hurting more every day. "So what about a job, Adam? Got anything?"

He wished he hadn't asked when he saw the look on Adam's face. "Um…nah, not really. The guy sort of bailed on me while I was gone. But um…well…I-I kind of…"

Lawrence waited. "…Yeah?"

"I don't know…I'm not…I mean I don't know if I …can." He admitted, eyes pained.

"If you can-?" Lawrence almost asked him to explain, but he caught on before the question fully formed. "Oh…"

"A-at least not right now…you know?" Adam rubbed his crushed hand, carefully touching over the cast on his broken finger. "It's just…"

"I know." Lawrence said. "I know how you feel."

He looked up a little. "Is it…hard for you, too? The whole job thing, I mean? Going…going back to it?"

Lawrence's heart broke a little as he saw Adam's confused and hopeful eyes darken. He didn't know what to say to him. Wouldn't anyone feel the same way? Maybe he himself did feel a bit of discomfort about working here again after this ordeal, but he had to admit that never being a doctor again scared him more. It was all he knew. "I'm not sure. I'm sort of worried that…it won't be an option." He stated truthfully.

Adam's shoulders dropped. "Oh, oh Jesus, man, I'm sorry, I-I didn't even think-"

"No, don't apologize." Lawrence demanded. "It's okay."

"God, here I am again, just being a selfish prick…" Adam muttered, a hand again rubbing over his face.

"You're not…" Lawrence shook his head. "It's alright, really. I was just saying that um…Let's just…forget it."

"I…yeah." Adam agreed, giving a forced sort of smile. They both sat muted for a little while after that, each trying to forget the moment and move on to something lighter. "Well uh, hey…once you get outta here, you wanna get a drink sometime?"

"I'd kill for a drink right now…" Lawrence said tiredly. "But yeah. I'd like to, sounds good."

"…So…hurry up and get out of here." Adam nudged Lawrence's closest hand with his knuckles.

"I'll try." Lawrence chuckled, pushing back up against the hand in a reassuring gesture. "I mean, If I have to deal with this nurse any longer, I-"

"Dr. Gordon?" came a voice from the door. Naturally, none other than Jennifer was standing at the door, ready to interupt.

Lawrence shot Adam a disbelieving look and then focused back to her. "…Yes?"

"Just came by to check on you. Would you like me to bring you dinner now?" she smiled and glanced at Adam.

"I'm not hungry. Thanks." Lawrence ground out. "Maybe you can come back later?"

"Sorry doctor, but you've got to eat something. How about a turkey sandwich?"

"No." he answered simply.

"Well I'll just see what else they have down at the cafeteria for you, then." She decided.

"Jennifer, I don't _want_ anything." He said again, but his plea was ignored as she left and shut the door. He scowled in annoyance.

Adam laughed. "Wow."

"Once I make it outta this…" Lawrence groaned as he leaned his head back. "I'm personally giving her her two weeks."


	14. A Poor Man's Morphine

**Rebirth – Chapter 14: A Poor Man's Morhpine**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Mwahaha, Adam is an angst whore. Thanks!_

_AngelGardian666: Wet dream! XD I can do you one better. But yer gonna have to wait and find out. :D_

_The next few chapters are much longer, I swears it!_

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Lawrence's eyes opened to greet the veil of darkness shrowding his silent hospital room…he couldn't see the clock, so the time remained unknown to him. He hadn't been able to sleep this night. The pain was increasing—and if it managed to recede even a little, the nightmares took its place in keeping him awake. There were no more dreams. No more fantasies. Just the pain, and the memories, and the cruel images trapped within his head whose only purpose was to record and replay the most sickening moments of his kidnapping. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, his leg aching and his stomach turning. He willed himself as best he could not to vomit.

His nightmares were vague, but still somehow vivid. Some of them were things that had happened already, some of them were things that never had. He saw the blood on the tile and the felt the pain in his ankle. He saw Diana and Allison, tied to his bedpost…horrible fear clearly written out on their faces. Sick bastard…And Adam. Poor, scared Adam, chained to the wall in a pool of blood from the dead man lying under him, hands drenched in gritty, ugly red, and his wounded shoulder leaking freshly over his shirt. He was exhausted, crying, and Lawrence had to leave him there like that. Alone. Lawrence didn't remember having cried himself, but when he awoke, there were tears in his eyes at the thought of it.

He wanted to cry now. The pain was incessant, he was tired, and his life was in ruins. His job, his marriage, his reputation…And he might never walk again.

Never walk again.

He clenched his eyes shut hard to swallow the wave of tears trying to spill over…He should just try and go back to sleep. But that would mean the possibility of going back into the nightmares and the worries. Going back to that wall, locking that chain back around his leg, and shutting off the lights. Back to the moment, the incident, the disaster that had ruined his life…

_The way you talk._ A voice crowed out from behind the pain and the tiredness, strong enough to dismiss his self-pitying with a mere scoff. _Like you've got nothing left to live for._

He slowly let his eyes open again, adjusting to the deep black filtering through his vision. He still had Diana. He still had a home to go back to. Still a pretty good financial situation. And he still had…Adam.

He tried to will himself to find sleep again, determined to get used to the pain. Had he been more coherent at the time, however, he might have had sense enough to be thankful for it. He might have realized that the pain was no longer in his leg. It was in his foot.


	15. Hardly A Homecoming

**Rebirth – Chapter 15: Hardly A Homecoming**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Aw, don't worry things will perk eventually! …Right? Let's hope so, or this would just be one big angst pit. :D_

_Kaliska Vanka: Voila! I'm a miracle healer! Well I had to. I mean, I'm lazy, and it just makes it harder for the story if I have to work around Larry's dibilitation. Thanks for reading!_

_Urgh, well. I can't garauntee that I'll be able to update again all that soon. A lot of crap is coming down on me right now. So…yeah. I'll try._

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It was only a matter of days later that Lawrence was hearing the words 'chances' and 'signifigant recovery'. They apparently suspected his foot to regain a rough sixty-eight percent usage, which he was quite aware meant that after some time, he could walk unaided again. Not without a permenant cripple, but it would be walking none the less. Needless to say, he was more than happy to hear it. He had been so absolutely sure that the re-attatchment had been pointless, and when you're a pessimist, it's always good to be wrong. It meant that he wouldn't be confined to crutches or burdened by prosthetics. But most importantly, it meant he wouldn't have to try and explain any of this to Diana. As far as she knew, his foot was just broken, or cut, or something. That was all she ever had to know.

Adam had visited a few more sparing times, but much to Lawrence's exasperation, their time together was constantly cut short by one thing or another. Mostly it was some appointment with doctor Krovan—which was awkward, considering that they had known each other as equals for some time—regarding physical therapy and such. Obviously little needed to be explained to him. From there it was standard. Appointments were scheduled, times were set, all was arranged. Eventually, Lawrence was released.

Diana refused to conceal an ounce of her happiness. From the moment she had heard of his coming home, she had been more excited than he could ever remember seeing her. All of Lawrence's wallowing vanished with the knowledge that he was truly, unconditionally loved, and he was relieved to be able to go home.

Lawrence gazed out the car window at his surroundings as if seeing them for the first time, but in the same instant marvelling at the familiarity of it all. He'd never really looked at these houses or buildings or the scenery before. He recognized it, but had never really…seen it. When he drove, he kept his eyes on the road and his thoughts on much more dire matters. Paperwork, patients, badgering co-workers. Had he really been so distant…? By the time the car pulled up into his driveway, he was thuroughly convinced that he had never seen this neighborhood in all his life.

"We're home, Daddy!" Diana announced from behind him as she pushed the door open. "I'll get your sticks for you."

"Oh, thank you." He tried to turn and look at her before deciding it was too much effort. He opened his own door and looked down at the cement driveway.

Allison turned off the car and pulled the keys from the ignition, letting out a sigh as she looked over at Lawrence with a small smile. "You need some help, Larry?"

"Think I've got it. Thanks." He returned the smile and slowly stepped his uninjured foot down to the ground.

"Here Dad." Diana said, clumsily holding up a crutch to him.

"Hey, great." He reached out to take it, hesitantly placing it under his arm in a fashion that clearly said he wasn't used to this and carefully leaned the better part of his weight onto it. His daughter stood back with the other crutch, watching him curiously. He wavered but managed to stand, taking the other crutch as it was given to him and balancing his stance with the casted foot raised up.

"I drew you some more pictures, Daddy." Said Diana as she backed up, watching his wobbling limp as he made his way to the house.

"Well that's great, sweetie, are they inside?" he swallowed and tried to concentrate on his steps, feeling out the way of his crutches. He'd seen over a thousand patients walk out on these, why the hell was this so difficult for him?

"Yep." She nodded. "I put 'em on your bed so you could look at them and you wouldn't have to go anywhere."

"Oh, good." He chuckled. "Guess we ran out of room on the fridge?" he looked over at Allison, who laughed.

"We ran out of room there a long time ago…" she added. "Diana, why don't you go inside and get Daddy a soda, hm? Just bring it to his bedroom."

"Okay." She agreed, bounding off into the house.

Allison turned to him as he fidgeted with a crutch. "So Larry, um…" she swallowed, looking down. "Well look, are you…are you gonna be okay? I mean, God, this whole thing, I…"

"Yeah. Hey, don't worry about it." He nodded. "It's…over."

She paused, eyes locked on his for a short while. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Come on. You're probably tired."

"Thanks Allison." He smiled again, taking one last look at the foreign place that he called home before he allowed to his wife to lead him inside.

Lawrence was immediately sent to his bed as soon as he'd settled in again, which was slightly unwelcome. He'd just gotten back from a long stay of being confined to a damn bed twenty-four seven—but then again this was better than the hospital at least. At least here he could get up to go to the bathroom…And here he could see Diana constantly, which was naturally the best part of his home coming.

It was getting somewhat late into the night by the time he was beginning to feel at home again. He sat on his bed happily with Diana in his lap, avidly showing him every one of her drawings and meticulously explaining the importance of each. With her here, he didn't feel nearly so dibilitated as he did simply relaxing.

"See," Diana said, shifting her position slightly as she pointed to another section of the picture she currently held in her hands. "This one's a dragon."

"Really? A dragon? Wow…" he grinned as he looked down at the picture, which sort of resembled a green dog with big, triangle teeth. "He's a big dragon alright."

"It's a girl dragon, Daddy."

"Oh." He reached a hand over and swept some of the other drawings away, plucking out one randomly and holding it up. "Well what's this one, this one has a lot of pretty colors on it."

"Umm…" she held a finger to her chin for a moment as she took it. "I think it's a space ship. I don't really remember." She tossed it aside and he laughed.

"And all these drawings are really for me?" he asked as he reached out and grabbed a couple scattered to the side.

"Mm hm." She agreed.

"Well you're the best artist I know." Lawrence decreed. "And one day you'll make billions and billions of dollars, and people will come from all over just to see you draw."

"Maybe I can make as much money as you." She suggested, piling some of her papers into a stack as she rummaged through them.

"Even more." He said, holding back a yawn. "You know something, Adam really like your drawings, too."

"He did?" she looked up at him.

"Sure. He even said he would put them up on his fridge, at his home." He recalled.

Diana was silent for a while, gazing over some of her other works. "Where does Adam live?" she asked.

"Well he lives in an apartment…It's like a house, but it's in a big building with lots of other houses." He said, brushing some of the ends of her hair away from her shoulder.

"I know what an apartment is, Daddy." She informed.

"Oh, well, excuse me." He poked her in the nose and she hid her face down in her hands with a giggle.

"Do you like Adam?" she continued on.

"Of course I like him. He's my friend." Lawrence thought about that for a minute. He supposed that would be the best thing to call him. They hadn't known each other long, but they at least had one grave experience in common.

"Is he your best friend?"

"You're my best friend." He pulled her up to him and kissed her head.

"Besides me?"

"Sure. Yeah. He's my best friend besides you." He stretched out his leg a little and winced as he heard the crumple of paper.

"Is he married? Does he have any kids or something?"

"Uh, no. Adam lives…by himself." Lawrence thought of that and sighed unconsciously. Adam was probably alone right now…

"He just lives alone?" she pulled back and looked up at him with her brow furrowed.

"I think so." He nodded.

Diana thought for second, as though trying to find a remedy for the situation. "Maybe you should buy him a kitty. Or a dog."

Lawrence smiled. "Then he wouldn't be so lonely, huh?"

"Alright, Diana," came Allison's voice as she came into the room. They both looked up at her. "I think it's time to let Daddy get some sleep."

"But Mom…" she looked up at Lawrence, then to her mother. "I'm not done showing him my pictures."

"You can show him the rest tomorrow, okay? Come on, it's getting late." She raised and arm slightly in beckoning.

Diana 'hmphed' and climbed off the bed, going to her mother. "Goodnight Daddy."

"Goodnight Diana. I'll see you in the morning." He waved a hand. The two exited the room and he was left sitting in a mountain of crayon drawings. He chuckled to himself and began to gather them up, smoothing out some of the crushed ones and putting them all in a haphazard stack. At that, he set them aside on the bedside table, trying to lay back in bed. He actually was tired with all the commotion today, and the painkillers he'd taken thus far were only adding to it. Maybe tonight he would be able to get some sleep without the nightmares. Now he was home.

"You sure you don't want something to eat, Larry?" Allison asked as she came back into the room. "Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you're looking kind of scrawny."

"I'm…not really up to it." He declined.

"Alright." She agreed. After a short pause, she turned off the lights, leaving them both in only the amber glow of a bedside lamp. Lawrence shifted himself so that he could lie down, hindered by the clumsy dead weight of his foot, but managing well enough on his own. This bed felt almost strange to him. Most nights he had spent only a few exhausted hours here, others he would catch cat naps at the hospital before his next shift. Either way, he hadn't been in a bed with anyone in a long while…or not that he'd registered. As Allison climbed in bed next to him, he felt an odd pulse of invasion.

He brushed it away, though. She was his wife, no matter how distant they'd become. "Thanks, Allison." Lawrence said sincerely as he let his eyes close slightly, the dark scene blurring around him.

"Yeah. No problem." She said as she got underneath the covers. After a mild hesitation, she moved closer to him, placing her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. The gesture was affectionate, but predictably hollow. It almost seemed to be a mutual preformance of an intimacy that was known to be long since gone…

Lawrence found himself wishing for something more, and not for the first time. But he coined himself a fool for wishing.


	16. These Lonely Walls

**Rebirth – Chapter 16: These Lonely Walls**

_-Notes-_

_Agent182: Yeah, poor Larry. His wife feels all icky to him!! :P Thanks, I hope the wait wasn't too long._

_AngelGardian666: Muahaha, you bet you do. Sounds likes it's time for a booty call or something. Oh, he makes house calls alright, wink wink. And he has a very good bedside manner, wink wink. His instruments are top quality. 'Bend over and cough'—Okay! Okay! I'm stopping, I SWEAR! _

_Anyway, so in reality, I know that no one would heal as fast as Lawrence when their foot's been severed—especially in such a manner. I'm not a medical idiot. But for the sake of the plot, I'm jump starting things. Sorry if that pisses you off._

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"Oh God…" Adam moaned as he rubbed his hands over his face, his voice seeping out into the empty expanse of his home in a dry echo. He gripped his shoulders hard as he steadied himself against his bed, biting his lip that tasted like salt from the trickle of tears he was sure he didn't cry.

_So much. So much for trying…_he thought groggily through the darkness. He looked down at his bed in dismay, sheets somewhat damp from a cold sweat still lingering on his skin. He hadn't slept practically since the day he'd gotten out of Jigsaw's game, and the stress was wearing on his nerves. By the look of the clock, he'd only been asleep (or trying to be as much) for a little less than two hours this time. Five o'clock. Whether a.m. or p.m. he didn't remember; time was a pointless factor to him now.

He made one tired, unplanned move and quite literally fell out of bed, hitting the floor uncerimoniously with his legs tangled in his sheets. "Fuck…" he growled out in frustration as he struggled to right himself. He had to snap himself out of this somehow. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't stay lucid. His whole body was sore and numb at once. He knew he needed sleep, but the only offering behind his closed eyes were memories. And nightmares. As he pushed himself back to his knees and lifted the sheets back onto his bed, he willed up the rest of his strength to pull his body back onto its feet.

His world spun as he stood, providing him with the very familiar taste of vomit in his throat and the flash of black and color in his eyes. He wanted to leave this apartement. He'd been stuck here since he got out of the hospital and it was beginning to make him a little crazy. Unfortunately, he had nowhere to go.

As he wandered into the kitchen, or what was at least the section of his home devoted to food, he searched around for a while. Longer than what was needed really—he knew he didn't have much of anything. Maybe some canned soup, but he was too tired to make anything at the moment. In his cupboards were stacks of things that had no place there: papers, magazines, and a collection of Playboys that had skipped his memory. That and dust. This place hardly seemed like a house. More like a storage unit. With a bum living out of it. Shrugging off his musings, he fumbled through the drawer for a spoon and pulled out a can of peanut butter from the last shelf, popping it open and lazily scooping an oversized spoonful of it into his mouth.

When he heard the phone ring, it was enough to leave him choking. He certainly didn't expect any callers by this point, and truthfully it worried him as to who it could be. He casually walked to the phone, contemplating whether or not to pick it up. It could be Eric…what would he tell him? _Grow up, you little girl._ Came a thought. _You're a grown fucking man, answer your own God damn phone._

Adam reached for the phone and held it to his ear. "Rhm?" he jerked the spoon out of his mouth, leaving a trail of peanut butter sliding down his chin.

"…Hey, Adam?"

"Lrrnce?" he coughed and swallowed hard, blinking a couple of times in surprise.

"Is that you?"

"Yeah, Lawrence, it's me." He nodded quickly before scolding himself at the impertinance of such an action.

"Hey, how are you?" Lawrence's voice came from the other end of the line, a gracious savior from his current miserable state. He didn't think Lawrence would be calling him so soon—he'd only been released a few days ago.

"Oh…you know." He shrugged, cursing himself again.

"Great. I just wanted to see how you were…Everything's okay over there?"

"Sure. It's fine." _No it's not…fuck, Lawrence, I can't take this nightmare anymore…_ "What about you? Home life treatin' you good?" he fixed the phone up against his shoulder as he jammed the spoon back into the jar and set it down on the table.

"Yeah, yeah. It's, uh, good to be back." There was a static pause and the clearing of a throat on the other end. "Listen Adam, I was thinking…are you up for that drink?"

"Um…oh, what you mean now?" he scratched the back of his head and glanced down at himself. _Oh God yes, get me out of here._

"Sorry, are you busy right now?"

"No." Adam insisted. "I um…I mean I was just thinking about going out, you know? Are you sure you can…well that you're up to—"

"Yeah, of course…So can I pick you up?"

Adam thought for a moment and couldn't help a smile from touching his lips. "Okay."

"Good. I'll see you soon." There was a click from the line and Adam slowly set down the telephone. Could it really be safe for Lawrence to be driving…? He rubbed his aching head again and made a languid trudge to his bed, trying to remember where last he left his jacket lying.


	17. Drink

**Rebirth – Chapter 17: Drink**

_-Notes-_

_Kaliska Vanka: Date XP Aw, isn't it sappy? Yeah, there's really no way in hell that Larry could be driving by this point, but hey, the magical world of fiction, right? _

_Merry-2004: Wait no longer! Abra-ca-chapter. Once they see each other, they won't be able to help but have mad, passionate sex, right? Let's find out. :D_

_AngelGardian666: Oh yes! Let's get them just a tad bit drunk and see what happens! XD _

_Bell Pie: Aw, thank you. I'm really glad you guys are all so patient—it makes things much easier to work with. I, too, think it would be overly unrealistic if they went into it right away. Give it time to…sink in. :)_

_This…is the longest chapter…anywhere…ever. --dies--_

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Lawrence leaned down a little to gaze up from the windshield of his car at the building he'd been directed to, according to the address he held in his hand. Not the nicest part of town, but he was quite aware that Adam was probably less than wealthy. It was already getting somewhat dark outside, and he found himself a little nervous. But then that was a sort of pious thing to be feeling…Poor rich prick in the poor part of town, worried about getting mugged or attacked. He grumbled inwardly at himself.

He stepped out of the car with a small jolt of pain in his leg, taking with him the one crutch that he had been using. As a doctor, he knew he should play it safe and use both, but as a doctor, he was also inherently stubborn and considered as such to be more of a nuisance than he cared to handle. One crutch provided enough support to walk, and that was all that mattered to him. He made his way to the building's fore in what was, to him, an agonizingly slow pace.

It had been days since he'd seen Adam, and he wondered whether he was coming out here because he really was bored and just wanted to call on a friend, or if he was merely checking up on him. But if that was his goal, he could've just ended it at the phone call, couldn't he? Maybe he just had to see for himself. _He doesn't need you to look in on him, you know._ He told himself. _Maybe I just want to spend some time with him is all. _Reasoned the other part of him. After all, he had a right. What else was he supposed to do, sit around at home all day? Any other doctor would've answered that question with a resounding 'yes', but that was still the last thing he wanted to do. Not that he didn't appriciate being home, but while Diana and Allison were out, he was left alone with the T.V. and not much else. Of course, that didn't really explain why he was out now. Allison and Diana were both home for the day…

As he made it to Adam's supposed floor, he took in his surroundings in a memorizing fashion. So this must be it. Where Adam lived, alone. He aimlessly began wondering about a few pointless things like how long he'd been living here or what the rent would be on his kind of a place. How much did Adam earn from his trade, anyway? Enough, he assumed. The hallway was relatively quiet, save for the sound his foot produced as it hit the floor and the muffled blare of a radio from behind someone's closed door. He took another curious look around and scanned the numbers on the door before he found the right one. Taking a deep breath, he held up a hand and knocked twice on the door. There was nothing for a moment, then a few indications of movement from within. A click and something of a creak sounded as the door opened.

Lawrence gaped at Adam's appearance. He looked terrible…Eyes dark and form looking gaunt and unstable. It was painfully clear that it had been some time since he'd slept, and another long period since he'd eaten something decent. The scent of ciggarette smoke was heavy in the air and had settled on hm. It was like he'd completely forgotten how to keep himself going, and he was paying a heavy price for it. "Hey." He said, studying Lawrence in much the same way as he himself was being studied. "You found the place."

"…Yeah." Lawrence muttered, still staring at him.

"Well you look good." Adam decided, stepping out of the apartment and shutting the door. "Uh, better than last time."

"I've been eating. And sleeping. You'd be surprised how much good those things can do you." He said, voice with an almost undetecable sardonic edge.

If Adam caught it, he ignored it, busying himself with locking his door. "It's just…um, I didn't really think you'd be up and walking so soon."

"I'm a quick healer." Lawrence replied, stepping back as Adam turned. "Listen, why don't we forget the drink? Let's go somewhere, I'll buy you something to eat."

"I'm fine, I don't…" Adam shook his head, shoving his keys down into his pocket. "Er, I ate."

"You're a horrible liar, Adam." Lawrence rolled his eyes. "Come on. There's a quick diner around here somewhere."

Adam snorted and pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "…Yeah, okay, if that's what you want. But this isn't a date, man, I'll buy my own dinner."

Lawrence chuckled and nodded, motioning for Adam to follow…

It was only a matter of minutes before they were sitting in said diner, just as the sun had fallen away. Lawrence didn't even recall the name of it, but he thought he must've been here once or twice before, a long time ago. That was hardly the point, though.

Adam sat in a slumped manner as he tapped the side of his head idly with the bottle of beer in his hand, letting out a sigh every now and then apparently so as not to yawn. In a way he reminded Lawrence of Diana, when she was trying to pretend that she wasn't tired because she was too stubborn to admit it. This, however, was far more sad than cute. "So what are you gonna do about the job?" Lawrence asked after a while of watching him feign his alertness.

Adam looked up, taking a drink and setting it down before resting his elbow on the table. "I don't know." He heaved another husky sigh. "I don't exactly have what you would call a career plan."

"Hm." Lawrence nodded, tracing the rim of his cup with a thumb. "Well what did you want to do? You know, I mean…when you first started out on your own?"

Adam thought, pricking at the ends of his hair. "I guess I…I don't know. I've always been big on photography and all that crap…I thought maybe I could get a job with a magazine company or something?"

"Sure. So you like pictures, alright." Lawrence said approvingly. "So…what stopped you?"

"Fuck, I don't know." He looked away and took another drink. "Sometimes things just don't work out, you know?"

"…I know."

"I-I…I figured that um…It was a gig. I picked it up. Didn't think it would last that long. It was a good way to get some cash. Maybe it was sort of a sick job, but people were willing to pay and it was about the only thing I could do. No one wants to look at another damn sunset. But they'd jump on a photo of their wife kissing another dude, or their husband picking up a hooker. And it's a consumer ruled market…" he gave what looked like a shameful shrug and sank down slightly in his seat.

"I see." Lawrence looked up as the waitress came by, setting down their plates. "Thanks."

"Little late for breakfast, hm?" she asked as she put down Adam's plate, referring to his order of pancakes, eggs, and toast.

"Yeah…or early?" he said in what might have been a joke, but was put a little too gloomily. Lawrence almost laughed at the tone, but deemed it inappropriate with the mood as it was.

With a nod she was gone, leaving them again to their conversation. "Look, I know it was a lousy way to earn a check. Profession for the scum you pick up off the streets when you want to do a job but you don't want to get your hands dirty."

"No you're not…" Lawrence attempted to assuage him, looking down at his plate unimpressed. His appetite hadn't been the same since…well. Since it.

"You don't consider ruining other people's lives for a living a bad trait?" Adam snorted as he prodded a fork into his pancakes.

"I don't know. You're really sure that you ruined so many?" Lawrence watched him messily choke down a large bite.

"What would you call it?" he asked with his mouth full.

"Maybe you helped some people out. Would you be happy if you're spouse was cheating on you for years and no one ever told you?" Lawrence suggested.

Adam was silent for a moment before swallowing. "Sometimes living a lie's better than living in shambles."

"No, Adam." Lawrence felt a bitter laugh in his chest. "Trust me. It's not."

"How can you say that, man?" Adam bit down on his lip and averted his eyes. "I mean…you know what I almost…did to you."

"Maybe I can just see it from a fair perspective." He reasoned.

"So then how can you be so," Adam laughed weakly. "unbias?"

"Who says I'm not bias?" Lawrence smirked, reaching for his Coke. "Maybe I'm just saying that because I like you."

Adam chuckled and stared down at his eggs for a moment. "Yeah, okay."

"I think you're too hard on yourself." Lawrence decided, stirring his soup.

"You can never be too hard on yourself." Adam countered.

"Who told you that?" he demanded.

Adam shrugged.

"…You're a good person."

"You don't know me." Adam said indignantly, but with an ounce of despair.

"Then who does?"

There was a long moment of silence before he spoke again. "…At least one person." Adam recalled darkly. "And he agreed with me, too."

Lawrence felt something sink in his chest at the disheartening thought. He knew who Adam was talking about, and he hated the idea. "He didn't know you at all." Lawrence said sternly.

"Really. He sure seemed to have me fucking pinned."

"That's what made him a psychotic." He reminded. "He didn't know you, Adam. He didn't know me. We're not the people he said we are. If we were, we'd be dead."

He watched as Adam shivered and unconsciously rubbed his wounded arm. "Sure." He muttered.

Lawrence gave a mental sigh and went back to studying his soup. _Young and impressionable._ He thought sarcastically. _Damn that fucking lunatic…_ He looked up again at Adam, who was dizzily rubbing his head and clutching his beer tight in one hand. "Hey…you okay?"

"Fine." He replied thickly.

"…When's the last time you slept, anyway?" Lawrence brought up again.

"Hey man, I thought we talked about this doctor thing." Adam glared at him.

Lawrence held up a hand in defeat, backing down. "Well then…so that means your done with the career? If you hate it so much."

"Yeah, I…well I guess so." He nodded. "I just…don't know what to do now."

"Hm…"

"It's just something you fall into, like I said. Not like I mapped it all out, not like…okay, like a doctor." He gestured an opened hand out at Lawrence.

"I don't think you'd wanna be a doctor." He disagreed.

"At least you help people. People other than yourself." Adam sat back and folded his arms.

"Mm. You might be surprised." Lawrence confessed. "…I mean you'd be surprised how little I actually… helped people. I did my job, but now always with compassion. I didn't always care. In fact, lately, I've almost never cared. It sort of became just a job to me. Not all doctors are in it for the moral duty, you know? A lot are in to give themselves a purpose, or money, or maybe even because they're pressured into it."

"Why did _you_ sign up?" Adam asked curiously, glancing at him.

"…I had good intentions to begin with. I really did. I was a kid, I thought I could make some divine difference, or whatever you wanna call it. I don't know when I stopped feeling that way. I mean I still _cared_ whether people lived or died, it's just…I'm not sure it was for the right reasons…That's the price you pay, I guess. You hear about those big, hotshot doctors with their wealth and their esteem who end up losing their humanity. Maybe I wasn't that far off from them."

"Then it's official." Adam raised his drink slightly. "Life sucks no matter who you are."

Lawrence lifted his glass also. "…Sure. I'll drink to that." He knocked it once against Adam's.

"Better start lookin' for work." Adam mumbled, taking a swig. "Hey, wonder if this place is hiring."

"Come on, you can do better." Lawrence objected. "If you're serious about the photo thing…why don't you put together a portfolio or something? Get a job with a magazine, like you said."

"Tried that." Adam informed, looking increasingly distant. "Nothing but 'no thank you's and 'please fuck off's."

"You couldn't've tried everywhere. Maybe…well maybe I can help you." He took a drink of his Coke and pushed his soup aside, deciding to give up on it.

"What would you know about it?"

Lawrence thought. "A few years back I wrote an article for some magazine…I still have the sources somewhere. But I know a guy. Maybe I could…"

"No, man, that's okay." Adam waved a hand to stop him. "I can take care of myself, it's good."

"Don't be stupid, it's no problem. I'm sure he'd be interested." Lawrence protested.

Adam gave a lengthy pause, seemingly contemplating the idea. "N…No, I couldn't ask you to…"

"You didn't ask; I offered." He pointed out.

"Okay, then I'm declining."

"Too late. Putting in a good word anyway." Lawrence said. Adam made a face and Lawrence grinned.

"Man…"

"Don't worry about it. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Nothing good _ever_ came from saying that." Adam smirked.

Lawrence raised an eyebrow. "Hm…Maybe I can see some of your pictures some time?"

Adam went pale for a moment as he looked up. "Um…I-I don't think so, man, they're not really…well they're not…They're nothing to look at."

"You don't have anything that's not work related?"

"I don't know. Sure, somewhere." He reached up to touch the back of his head again, obviously still feeling the effects of his injury.

"I'm no good with cameras. Always manage to cut off someone's head." Lawrence admitted.

"Yeah, well, I'm no good with a scalpel. Hell, I'd probably be making the same mistake." He joked, and Lawrence laughed.

"So as long as we never switch trades."

"Right." Adam rubbed his temples momentarily before taking another drink.

"You okay?" Lawrence prodded again.

This time, the pain-distracted Adam didn't bite. "Just a bitch of a headache…should've taken some aspirin or something…" he said quietly.

Lawrence observed him in pity for a short while before sighing. "You really don't look so hot. I think I should take you home."

"Aw, come on, Mom…" he groaned tiredly.

"I'm serious, Adam, you need to rest or something. You know I'm right. But that's not the point, the important thing is that _I_ know I'm right." He turned just as the waitress passed by him. "Excuse me, miss? Could we get a check here?"

Adam reached down into his pocket and found his wallet with fumbling hands, tossing a few bucks out onto the counter. "Yeah, you should get back home yourself." He agreed.

Lawrence put his own money onto the table as the waitress made a speedy return, standing up. "Well this was…"

"Pointless?" Adam finished, numbly pushing himself to his feet as well.

"Hey, we had some…good times." Lawrence struggled with his crutch for a moment. "We'll do it again some time. When you're better."

"I told you, I'm fine."

"I'm a doctor, Adam. You'd have a better chance convincing me you were Barbara Streisand than you do making me believe that."

"Ha ha ha. Funny. He's a funny guy…"

The car ride back was relatively silent. Adam was clearly exhausted and unwell, despite the fact that he refused to admit to it. Lawrence could figure why, so he left it alone. Adam was a loner, as he'd said. He wasn't used to sharing what he felt, and he certainly didn't need someone to fuss over him. Or at least he thought he didn't. Lawrence couldn't help but worry about the state he was in. He'd become oddly close to the young man considering the short time they'd spent together, but he supposed the most fast made relationships were born from adversity. At least he was sure he heard that somewhere. Either way, there was an undeniable bond between them, even with so many blatant differences.

He slowly lost himself in the thought of friendship for a while, mulling over the friends that he'd had before this ordeal. Given, for at least the past year or so he hadn't so much as gone out of the house aside from the hospital and the occasional grocery store, but he did vaguely remember when he did have other friends. Not that they were the greatest of people. Mostly colleagues, interns, other doctors and such. They were all rich in both finance and reputation, covertly maintaining their pious nature while disguising it with some bleak upstanding moral idealogy that they probably didn't really believe in themselves. They were made up of words and not much else. He might've been harder on them if he himself hadn't been leaning in the same direction. Even if he never meant to look down on anyone, and even if he never meant to become so indifferent to the people he claimed to love. Somehow, it happened. He looked over for a second to the passenger's seat with a satisfied nod to himself. Adam was better than all of that.

As they pulled up to the street again, Adam jolted slightly, almost as though he'd been nodding off. "Thanks man." He uttered in a sleep-heavy voice, unfastening his seat belt.

"Can I come up?" Lawrence heard himself ask. _Why?_ He asked himself. _To make sure he's…okay._ He answered back. _Pussy._ He retorted.

Adam paused in his move to get out of the car, looking back questioningly at his companion. "Um, sure. Come on up." He shrugged.

Adam walked curiously by Lawrence's side as he limped on his one crutch, continuiously looking as though he wanted to say something. As they at last got to the door of the building, he chose to speak. "Pretty good on one crutch…Still um…does it, you know, still hurt?"

Lawrence thought about how to answer that. A sarcastic quip was naturally his first response, but he knew that Adam was being sincere. "Get's better every day."

"…Good." Adam let out a sigh and opened the door for him.

Upstairs was much quieter than Lawrence remembered it. Everything had settled now; no radios, no voices, nothing. It was either peaceful or eerie—he was having trouble deciding between the two. "How long have you lived here?" he asked conversationally.

For a moment he thought that Adam didn't hear him, but then he was sure he caught a "Too long…" as he fit his key into the lock of his door.

Lawrence stepped in and looked around as Adam walked over to throw his jacket somewhere. The place was covered in pictures alright. Stacks and clusters of papers sat teetering on the edge of toppling on tables and chairs, books and magazines lay on the floor in some places. It looked as though Adam had tried to organize them somehow, but there was surely very little method in it. There certainly wasn't anywhere to sit, so he merely stood there, leaning casually on his crutch. "Nice place."

"It's a mess." Adam said.

"Or it's a mess." Lawrence shrugged, looking down on a desk at a collection of photos. Most of them were of some brunette woman, in various places and situations but with the obvious look of a person who had no idea they were being watched. Nothing in them seemed out of the ordinary. She was sitting in cafes and restaraunts, talking with other people, walking alone. Just simple things, all that looked relatively innocent. He sifted through them for a moment before picking one up by the edge. He didn't see Adam's expression drop when he did so. She was sitting on a park bench with a cup of coffee and a leash in her hand attatched to a lounging yellow lab. Lawrence suddenly looked up as Adam appeared in front of him, picking up another one of the photos.

"…Jessica Fay. Thirty-nine, business executive, has two kids, loves dogs and drinks her coffee black. Proof positive that this is a scumbag business." He rubbed his head yet again, narrowing his eyes as if he couldn't see the picture clearly. "Her husband hired me to track for a while her when he thought she was having an affair."

Lawrence nodded, gazing down at the picture Adam held. Jessica Fay, walking her dog.

"Only he wasn't her husband." Adam spared a glance up at him before tossing the photograph down and turning slightly to look over at a window. "I followed her around for a month and I found jack shit worth reporting her for. That's when I found out that the son of a bitch that hired me was just a stalker. And I was doing his fucking dirty work. Nice story, huh? That's the kind of 'favors' I did for people."

Lawrence slowly put the picture down and paused. "…There're just sick people out there, Adam, you can't help that."

"Yeah, especially when you're one of 'em." He thumped a hand to his chest and shook his head, gathering the photos back into a pile. "You don't get it. I was still taking pictures for the guy a week after I found out."

"…Well…" Lawrence swallowed, seeing the agitated but remorseful look on his face. "Point being you stopped."

"Sure. After I got paid." Adam stood tapping his fingers against the stack of pictures for a second before picking them up and dumping them into the waste basket. It left an oddly out-of-place naked area on the otherwise cluttered desk.

He wasn't sure what to say. Adam was right, it was a terrible job. With what could he possibly hope to console him? He was beginning to have a vague inkling as to what kind of nuisance was keeping Adam awake at night. Maybe he was punishing himself. "We all do things we're not so proud of…"

Adam looked over at him and offered another nod, touching at his shoulder again to feel for his scar. "Every day?"

Lawrence took a step closer to him. "Sometimes."

"Aren't you at least supposed to do _something_ you're proud of? I mean Jesus, by this point in my life, I…" he crossed his arms in front of him, still rubbing his shoulder.

"What are you talking about? You're living on your own, aren't you? Making your way, supporting yourself? And…well…you should also be proud of the fact that…you lived." Lawrence looked down for a moment as Adam tensed. "You got out."

He didn't say anything for a long while, probably unwilling to have jumped back into that conversation. "Because of you." Was his answer, dull and quiet under his exasperated tone.

"No, because you're smart. We both were. Rose to the occasion, remember?" he rested a hand on Adam's shoulder, at which he winced, despite the fact that it was not his recovering arm.

"Don't say that." Adam brought his eyes to look directly at him. "Don't give me credit for that, that's bullshit, you saved my ass. You have any idea what you risked to do it? Well here it is, you didn't risk it for much. Man, _how_ can you say that? I was nothing, and-and you had this choice, and y-you could've made it so much easier and fucking shot me to begin with, but you _didn't_! _I_ wouldn't of done the same for a God damn stranger, man, it's not right, it's not fucking-"

"I had to, there was a chance to save us _both_."

"You didn't know that."

"But there was another way."

"You didn't _know_ that!" Adam cried out, nearly to the brink of tears.

"There's _always_ another way!" Lawrence persisted. "Don't start telling me you wished you would've died in there, Adam, because I _know_ it's a lie. You wanted to live—and you still do."

"Of course I wanna live! It's my right, isn't it?" his breath was coming shorter, and Lawrence nodded with reassuring fervor. "I just don't deserve it! For fuck's sake, I _know_ that, I _know that_ I-I—"

"Adam, Adam stop, it's fine—" Lawrence lowered his voice quickly and moved the hand from Adam's shoulder to his face, trying to hold his attention and calm him down.

"But it should've been _my_ problem—it shouldn't've been yours..."

"…Come on…" Lawrence tried to protest.

"I should've—"

"Don't." Lawrence cut him off gruffly with a bit of a pleading edge. He didn't know what did it, but it was all at once that he was placing a chaste kiss on Adam's lips. The room fell into a dead silence.

Lawrence paused for a moment…then came forward again, following it with something a little lengthier.

It shocked him the hunger with which Adam responded. There was no horror, no refusal, just a sudden spring of passion in some form. Having initiated it, Lawrence easily dominated the kiss, pressing his tongue deep down into Adam's mouth without resistance and pulling him a little closer with the one hand he had not supporting himself on his crutch. His taste was an odd mix of alcohol, pancakes, tabacco and…peanut butter? Either way, it was no deterent from going back for longer, harder kisses that neither of them seemed to care enough to question. It didn't make sense, but at this point, nothing else did.

After a few more moments, Lawrence pulled off in a sort of daze, his hand still sitting on Adam's now-flushed face.

"I…uh…" Adam began, floundering in surprise as his mouth hung slightly open. "Whoah…"

"Yeah…" Lawrence gaped and contemplated the numb tingling in his tongue. He slowly drew his hand away and eyed him up and down. "…Can I come by tomorrow? I have somewhere…somewhere to be until, um…four. It was four. But after that, I-I—"

"Sure…" Adam managed. "…uh-yeah. Come on…over…"

"…Right, er…yeah. Okay. I've…gotta go." Despite himself, he stayed there for a second longer, leaving another breif touch on Adam's shoulder. "…Get some rest. …Alright?"

"I'll um… try…" Adam watched with wide eyes as Lawrence turned and left.


	18. Learning Anew

**Rebirth – Chapter 18: Learning Anew**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Aw, thank you! It can only get more complicated from here, right? ;D_

_Kaliska Vanka: Mwaha. Thanks, I hoped it would be believable. --exhales after 17 chapters--_

_AngelGardian666: Heheh, I do realize that there was quite a long while before the romance began. Being that this is an angst/romance fic, so I dealt with the angst first. Then comes romance. Then comes angst and romance in one. And then we'll just have to see whether the fic has a happy ending (romance), or a not so happy ending (angst). Mwahha!_

_Bell Pie: Oh ho, I don't think even Lawrence knows what he's gonna do now! Sort of ties into the title. They have to relearn all the things they thought about life, which is like being reborn, in a sense._

_One warning only: chapter contains sexually affiliated subject matter._

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Adam touched the pane of the window lightly, watching the way his fingerprints remained on the glass for a short while after he pulled his hand away. They were placed, then faded away gradually, leaving behind only nearly undetecable vein lines from the pattern of each finger. Time was passing him briefly. Or not at all. He couldn't be sure. It was amazing how much of a blur the world around you became when you never slept.

He hadn't so much as bothered himself with lying down this time. It just seemed so frivilous anyway, even if he had told Lawrence that he would try. And he honestly didn't want to risk the nightmares again when his morale was already near breaking. He wasn't exactly positive that he was even tired anymore, but he had to admit that the delirium could be clouding his judgement slightly. It was about twelve when he'd sat down on his window sill to look down at the streets for a little while, and as he snapped out of his stress-induced trance, he wondered what time it was now. He blinked down at the street in amazement at how much had changed since he last remembered actually paying attention to what he was looking at. It had drizzled a little; some things were still wet and puddles gathered here and there. Less people were walking the streets and small events of commotion were taking place all around.

…How long _had _he been sitting here? He glanced over at his clock and saw the numbers 3:43 blaring at him with an accusing red. _Lawrence'll be here soon…_he thought distantly, awkwardly pushing his body out of his slumped position and trying to steady himself. Right. Lawrence. His friend. The doctor. …The…man that kissed him. He was having an odd time processing that through his tired head, so he simply let it be. Right now, the only thing on his mind was a shower. He could wake up a little, maybe, or at least stop his hair from sticking in weird directions and wash the layers of cold sweat off his skin. He was suddenly in the bathroom without remembering how he got there, the water running and steam ghosting up from the faucet head to touch his cold skin.

He stripped off his shirt with a little effort from his stiffened shoulder and tossed it somewhere, fumbling with his pants as he tripped slightly on his bad foot towards the mirror. He was halfway through unzipping his fly when he caught a look at himself in the steam-marred glass. Pale, hair matted, eyes red and shoulders trembling. It was enough to surprise him, if only for a moment. _Hey, I really do look like shit._ He thought with a nod, but he was too out of himself to be concerned.

Stepping into the shower was hardly the awakening he'd hoped for. The hot water felt good against his skin, but it didn't do quite enough to bring him to his senses. It was only when he felt the water running down into his eyes that he opened them and began the methodic routine of cleaning himself. The smell of the soap was doing a bit of a better job, and slowly he began to re-familiarize himself with consciousness. He began to register the pain in his shoulder and foot, as well as his hands. He'd torn off the casts long ago, having been far too hindered by them. Now his fingers and hand left scratched and bruises showing, and the nearly scalding water was irritating. Adam didn't really care. They hurt, but he had no means to mend them sufficiently. His head also buzzed from the heat touching the tender spot where his wound lay, making him grumble every now and then.

_…Why did he kiss me?_ Adam pondered dizzily as he scrubbed his fingers through his hair. He didn't know why this contemplation was taking place, but he was waking up, and naturally that was the first thing to come to mind. _How much did you drink, Adam?_

_Half a damn bottle._ He recalled. Not enough to let his inhibitions fly, exactly.

_Well then how much did_ he _drink?_

_He didn't._ He retored.

_…To shut you up, then…_

_If that was the case, wouldn't he have just punched me in the jaw? At least I understand that one._

_Sure. He was gonna take a swing at you. So he kissed you, so what. What do you think that means?_

_…I don't know…maybe he liked it…I mean…he did say he was coming back._

_Maybe that was just to make a quick getaway after what he realized he did. You know. Tongue-tossing with another guy, he's supposed to suddenly enjoy that?_

_Maybe…But maybe he meant it._

_That's really pathetic, you know? _

_…_

_Why would he want you? You know how pissed he should be at you._

_…Yeah._

_Not to mention that he's married. Married. With a kid. Remember?_

_…_

_And you're telling me you want something to come of this? _

_But…_he_ was the one who kissed_ me_…_

Adam opened his eyes stiffly, not realizing that they had fallen closed again. There was no argument for that. …Nothing. In a brief, strangely welcome feeling…he was wanted. At least, it was nice to believe that while he could, if nothing more.

He honestly had no idea how long he spent letting the water run down over him, but he was now at last somewhat alert. His body felt a little more relieved from the aching and…well he smelled good, which was always a plus. He stared at his naked shoulder for a long while after he was out, tracing over the scar in an absorbed dettatchment with equally bent-out-of-shape fingers. A scar that would always be there, and a memory that would always haunt him. He wondered how people ever got over these types of things. And he was reminded that most never did. How else does a perfectly sane person go mad? What else could he possibly think of when looking at these marks on his body?

He knew he couldn't go on like this. That was comforting, in some small measure. He would simply fall asleep eventually, or die, but either way the nightmares couldn't do this forever. With that thought as his only solace…it was being awake that was beginning to scare him. Even from beyond the grave, Jigsaw meant death for him. He was still tormenting him. Still playing one, final, sick mind game. He never had scars that laughed at him before. But it seemed that everything was new lately.

He found a pair of boxers and a white T-shirt, tossing them both on and sloppily brushing his teeth and shaving, determined to this time convince Lawrence that he was doing better than he looked. If life was meant to go on, he would have to stop lounging around the place like this. He needed to be out looking for work. He had a little money, but passed next month's rent, he had nothing, and he wasn't about to be out on the streets. His apartment was a sweet haven compared to life out there. To be truthful, the homeless always frightened him. He would avoid them at all costs, taking the other side of the street, turning his head to look forward and pretend he never saw them. Maybe because he feared they were so much like him.

Hocking a spitful of toothpaste into the sink, he wiped his mouth with the back of a hand and flipped off the light, wandering back into his apartment to search for some pants. Before he got anywhere, however, there was a knock at the door. He paused, looking at the clock. 4:39. He almost timidly walked to the door and unlocked it, fixing with the chain before opening it curiously. It was of course Lawrence, who met him with a smile and an inquisitive look. "Hey there. I can see you're up…" his eyes looked him over once, and for some reason Adam felt a twinge of nervousness for being in nothing but his shorts and a shirt.

"Yeah. Uh…how's it goin'?" he returned, stepping back a ways to allow Lawrence entry. He limped in slowly, watching the door close.

"Great. You know, you look better…shave?" he began, stopping and leaning on his crutch as he observed Adam's ironically fidgety stillness.

"You can really tell?" Adam rubbed his chin idly. "Guess I didn't realize I was getting that rough."

"Mm. See you didn't bother cleaning the place up." He cracked lowly, gazing around.

"Sent the maid on vacation." Adam said almost solemnly. Nothing ever came out as a joke anymore…

"Feeling alright?" Lawrence continued.

These series of questions had become pretty much routine for them now. "Yeah. You?"

"Yeah." He confirmed.

"So how'd you get out of the house?" Adam scratched the back of his head and paced around for a minute. "I mean, I figure your family would be jumping on you twenty-four-seven."

"To be honest, neither of them like it when I'm out on my own anymore." He confessed. "Not that _I_ like the idea of _them_ being alone anyway."

"Then…why are you here?" Adam casually stopped his pacing and examined one of his bruised hands so as not to look him directly in the face.

"…Well…I don't really like the idea of you being alone either." Lawrence shrugged.

"Come on, jeez." Adam shook his head. "I can take care of myself."

"So can they." Lawrence nodded with a small smile. "I still worry."

"Well look, man," he sighed, licking his lower lip. "If you just came here to check on me, it's okay. I'm fine. I don't want to…you know, pull you away from anything."

"Uh, no, uh…I didn't mean it like that. I'm here because I wanted to see you again." They met each other's eyes breifly, and Adam looked away, tackled by a memory of the previous night.

"…Okay then…" he came closer to Lawrence again, flipping the lock back onto the chain of his door. Simple paranoia.

"Where's the splint for your finger?" he asked, and Adam almost laughed. Lawrence just didn't stop. He really was a doctor, heart and soul.

"It was pissing me off, I threw it out." He muttered.

Without warning, Lawrence reached out and took his hand, making Adam jump. "It's still broken, Adam, you can't just take it off because it's irritating." He caught the look on Adam's face and backed down. "Er, sorry. I know, I know…the whole doctor thing."

Adam waited expectantly.

"…But it's broken, you need the cast." There it was, predictably.

Adam chuckled.

"What?" Lawrence arched an eyebrow and raised his head up, confused.

"Nothing, man…It's just, I could set my watch by you."

Lawrence smirked and pushed down a little on Adam's hand in jest, trying to prove his point. When Adam jerked in pain, however, he instantly regretted it. He apologetically rubbed the bruising, seperating his fingers out in favor of the broken one. "I should take you back to the hospital…they can reset it."

"Fuck if I'm going back there." Adam replied with more panic than he meant to show.

"You're not the kind who accepts help easily, I take it." Lawrence accused. "Alright. Didn't the doctor give you any…extra bandages or something?"

"Sure. For my ankle." Adam nodded, looking down at his hand.

"Give me some."

Adam obeyed, turning and rummaging over the surface of a desk for a while before producing a roll of gauzing. "This?"

"That'll work. Come here." Lawrence took the bandages and tore off a section with his teeth, carefully taking Adam's hand again and coaxing his fingers apart from one another once more. Adam watched in mild interest as Lawrence worked an expert hand over his finger, wrapping the stiff bandage over the dammaged bone several times. As he finished tying off the end into the makeshift cast, he tapped it a few times and ensured that movement was rather impossible. "That's better…don't try and move it. In fact, it's best just to try and avoid using that hand."

"Sure. You got it." Adam agreed, looking down at the immobile covering. Lawrence leaned down to examine it more meticulously, as was his nature, checking the ends and making sure it was secured tight enough. Adam curiously leaned his head down as well, trying to catch a glimpse of exactly what he was doing and trying not to move his hand. He cocked his head a little to the left to see, but just then, Lawrence unexpectedly rose up, making Adam pull back to avoid bumping into him, and leaving them practically nose to nose…

Adam swallowed hard and froze, not daring to move in wonder of what would happen. His mind gave him a thousand answers. Pull away, clear your throat and speak up, make a joke, _something_…

But it was Lawrence who spoke first. "Uh…It looks…" he said quietly but it seemed he couldn't go on. Instead of scrambling for a way to finish, he gave up. Tilting his head, he took what he wanted from Adam's lips with a quick movement for the second time.

Adam felt his back arch involuntarily, some sort of subconscious push towards his kisser's body as his injured hand fell limp. He wanted it. He didn't know how or why but God, he wanted it. He'd never been treated this way. Like he was this attractive, like he was untainted. Like he himself was wanted. Lawrence trailed a hand up to the back of his head, grazing a thumb over his injury while the other hand remained reluctantly at his crutch so that he wouldn't fall over. He pressed his lips harder against Adam's, giving him each kiss like it was made in his last breath.

To Lawrence, Adam's taste had turned from interesting to euphoric, something that spelled out his humanity plainly before him with the famliar feeling in his stomach that always led to arousal. He had to still be human to have feelings like these. All the indifference, the distance, the dettatchment was swept away, and he was left pouring his gratitude into Adam with a flourish of emotional kisses. With that simple gesture, he was quickly forgetting his inhibitions. He wrapped his free arm around Adam's waist tightly and pushed him back.

Adam felt himself being led back, but he didn't quite comprehend it until the back of his legs hit his bed. He wasn't aware of any intention behind that—he was pretty sure neither of them were. But his breath caught as he slowly fell onto his back against the mattress, Lawrence collapsing on top of him with his crutch landing heavily on the floor. Adam was panting by that point, but he was also coming to his senses. Lying in bed with a man on top of him, an older man, a married man, a…well fuck, a _man_. Lawrence's right hand made a steady trek down his chest, then jumped down to stroke his thigh with the barest of hesitations. Adam tried to give himself an excuse to get out of this, but all he could do was kiss back and marvel at the odd tingling running through his skin where he was touched. He felt like a poor dumb virgin school girl…and, at the same time, a naïve horny virgin school boy. He was familiar with the feelings of lust and affection, but not with the circumstance.

Lawrence was getting bolder with where he touched, as his hand was now moving up to the hem of Adam's shirt. Quickly it slipped underneath and touched the bare skin lying there, making Adam grit his teeth. The hand pushed up his shirt and went back down to the waistband of his boxers, suddenly beginning to pull them down. Adam stifled a gasp and froze at that, eyes widening. "H-holy shit, man—w-w-what are you doing—?" he stuttered out in what was almost a squeak, gripping Lawrence's shirt hard with his good hand.

"I don't…know…" he murmured back huskily, unable to stop himself. He looked down between them as he slowly tugged on the edge of the garment, watching in awe as he exposed his partner a good ways. The sight of another man naked below the waist, the feeling of his body underneath him, the idea of kissing him—none of these things should have turned him on. They hadn't before, after all, or at least not that he remembered. But they sure did now. He drew his gaze back up to Adam's face, who was looking down at himself with a deep blush in his cheeks, chest sinking down in shock. Lawrence lowered himself and began kissing at his collar bone, jumping shortly as he felt Adam shiver.

Adam could hear his heart pounding, his body making no protests to the attention it was receiving. He was too surprised to do anything but lie back and relax against the kisses traveling up his neck and chin, then back down to where they began. The hand that had been touching his stomach crept down and gently took hold of his now exposed member, which was beginning to harden quickly. He yelped in astonishment and felt his jaw drop a little, conflicted with the two initial responses that the action invoked. Part of him cried out in shock, _Dude! He's touching your dick!_ While the other part of him cheered in excitement…

_Dude…_

_he's touching your dick!_

He let out a shaking breath, lying quiet from that moment in resignation. He didn't know what else to do besides let Lawrence have his way. He was instantly melting under the caress, his body too tired and aching to care about how willingly it gave in. Only that however hard it tried, it didn't have the strength left to fight.

Lawrence moved his fingers unsurely up his half-solid erection and drew out another timid gasp, then back down in a cautiously slow motion, seeing the redness in his cheeks intensify and enjoying the sight. It was entertaining, in a way, not to mention rather fetching. Adam wasn't exactly the shy type, but somehow his walls had crumbled, probably in light of his exhaustion.

Adam clenched his eyes shut and released another shuddering sigh as the grip around him tightened, a thumb running a short stroke down the tip of the head. He couldn't stop himself from shaking. Lawrence knew damn well what he was doing, both from his knowledge of anatomy to an exactness and from…well, simply being a man himself. There was an odd way of ease and comforting about his motions that told these actions were not entirely lust inspired, but Adam was too hypnotized by it to wonder at it. Normally the agonziningly slow minstrations would drive him mad, breaking his body into a cold sweat desiring for release quickly, but something was different. Maybe his muscles were too drained to jerk with the usual spasms, or maybe this was just a new way of feeling it, but his entire form went slack without consent.

A light moan escaped him as Lawrence found a nice pace, stroking smoothly up and down the shaft with occasional extra attention at the tip and underneath the base. What had always been a roaring fire in his stomach during stimulation was now a prominent, warm ache traveling through his lower body, sending a small vibration out with every deep breath he exhaled. His blood was heating up and he could feel it rising under his skin to the places he was kissed, perspiration beginning to grow on his brow. He would have liked to respond to it, but he felt as though he'd been completely paralyzed.

He couldn't guess how long it went on like that. Lawrence's speed made no increase, and logically that should have made him extremely anxious. But instead, there were only waves of pleasing feelings at every touch. He felt them building steadily in all the right places as the hand massaged obligingly into him, in no hurry and with no intention of stopping. Strangely enough, the first signs of his orgasm began in his fingers, pushing past the pain that was there from bruises and injured bones and making a languid climb to his chest, where it moved downward. His mouth fell open again and another gasp took the air out of his lungs, an intense shock of heightened physical bliss licking at his nerve endings. He came in a great spill of fluids over his stomach, hot and gratifying as Lawrence continued to pet his still-hard cock. He kept at it with a few more sure pumps until Adam had softened again.

Adam craned his head back and let his eyes blur in a daze as Lawrence moved to kiss another tender section of his neck, feeling him let his weight drop down onto his body, careless of the mess that covered Adam's abdomen. He blindly felt up a hand in a tranquil high, touching through Lawrence's sandy locks as he lay his forehead down into Adam's shoulder. As tired as he was, he felt like passing out, but he managed to keep his head sufficiently above the water. Enough to feel the arms coiling around his waist and upper back, and the awkward but discarded feeling of his cum still spread over his skin. He was still limp and listless as he lay there, heart starting to beat slower and vision unfocused, but he managed one strained, broken statement.

"Ohhh God…"

Lawrence only nodded against his shoulder as though accepting such as a compliment, smiling to himself.


	19. Call Me Liberacci

**Rebirth – Chapter 19: Call me Liberacci**

_-Notes-_

_Bell Pie: Heh! Thanks :D Oooh, don't worry about Lawrence. He'll have his hands full. Shame shame shame. _

_Kaliska Vanka: XD Oh my, we'll just have to see what Allison thinks about all this. IF she finds out, that is. --evil cackle--_

_Merry-2004: Thanks! I'm sort of trying to pull out of the whole morose aura for a while, so the story should be a little lighter for the time being now. Of course…we all know it can't stay that way. :D _

_AngelGardian666: Going to hell? Oh, oh, I can seat you in seat A23, and that's in the West collumn. It's near mine, but spots are filling fast! Thanks :D_

_Well, this is a companion chapter to the last. Don't expect any major plot stuff really…it's a little mushy, I warn ye. _

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Lawrence bit back on a yawn as he lay there, wishing that he'd carried his painkillers with him, but not too entirely troubled by it. He didn't want to get up, his own tiredness sinking in as he kept watch over his temporary bedmate. Adam lay on his side facing him, body lax and unmoving in a dead slumber that made him seem little more than a corpse. Where that thought should have been somewhat disturbing, however, Lawrence was just pleased that he had fallen asleep…

He didn't know what made him stay. He wasn't even sure why he had come here in the first place. But parts of him were beginning to figure it out. He supposed it would be sort of rude, anyway, to leave while Adam was asleep without so much as a goodbye. He was fine with not going anywhere all the same. Though confused, he was moreso relieved, but exactly why he couldn't say. For the most part, he was thrilled. It meant that he wasn't 'losing his humanity', whatever that meant anymore. All those years he'd felt himself slipping from his wife, the day he realized that not even a younger, sexy woman excited him any longer, and the distance he felt growing between himself and everyone else…He was just gay! Apparently, at least. The realization of homosexuality would be shocking to most people, especially at Lawrence's age, but it was so much better than the alternative.

It didn't even seem strange anymore. Only sort of funny, like he really should have known this earlier. He never had the time to contemplate his affections for Adam, though—he'd just assumed that the feelings he had were…fraternal. Or among friends, at the very least. But it was of course a different matter in actuallity, and he had never felt so vindicated from those previous self-accusations…even despite the fact that he should feel terrible about what he had with Adam. Not that he knew exactly what that was, but he was married. He had a wife. This was still cheating. _You should feel _bad_, Lawrence._ Snapped an indignant voice over and over. But he couldn't.

Lawrence reached out an arm and tenatively stroked a hand over Adam's cheek, stopping to trace another touch along his jawline. "First time you slept in a long time, huh?" he whispered sympathetically to the unconscious figure. Adam made no response to the contact other than the silent sigh that interupted his shallow breathing. Lawrence let his eyes wander over the body next to him with both contentment and appriciation. The thoughts that ran through his head were dark, but his heart was still light, and so he allowed himself to think them. He remembered how far away Adam had seemed in that death room, and at that, he let his hand rest against his wrist for a moment as though to ensure his current distance. What they would have given just to be closer to each other then, when they needed it most. The only thing Lawrence had been able to do to keep sane was to keep talking, and try to get Adam to do the same.

Lawrence sighed. Even now, Adam was reclusive. He kept quiet about his condition, about his pains and anxieties. About why he wouldn't sleep. He had opened up a little before, perhaps he would again. Lawrence was no psychologist, but he knew that it could take time for that to happen, if at all. He had no clue how long Adam had spent pent up inside of himself. He looked over his body again and slowly slid his hand under Adam's injured one, easing it away from its somewhat unatural position and out where it wouldn't be bothered, intent on keeping him comfortable. He resisted the urges to put a hand on him any further than that, unwilling to risk waking him, though he doubted that was even possible as hard as he'd crashed. It was nice enough to be near him. To watch his chest move almost imperceptably from the docile breath underneath, to see him at peace, and close enough to be able to notice that, even after cleaning up a little, he still smelled like sex.

He should've gotten up by now. He should've went home with a kiss goodbye. He should've reminded his conscience to kick in by this point. But none of that really mattered. He was already falling into sleep, one hand fondly resting on Adam's side as he closed his eyes. For the first time in years, he fell asleep optimistic.


	20. Something of a Reawakening

**Rebirth – Chapter 20: Something of a Reawakening**

_-Notes-_

_Kaliska Vanka: XP Oh you dog, you. You would've ravaged the poor guy in his sleep! Not that that wouldn't have been interesting.--maniacal cackle--_

_AngelGardian666: Eee! Don't burn down! XO_

_Merry-2004: Yes, things will calm down for a good while now. Pretty much just smut for a little bit. _

_Bell Pie: :D OMFG, Adam's pregnant with Lawrence's lovechild!! Stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion. _

_So yes. Not a whole lot going on for the next couple of chapters. Calm before the storm and all that whatnot._

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It took Adam a full three minutes to realize he was awake. After a long while of staring up at his ceiling, he came to the conclusion that his eyes were indeed open. At first he was indifferent about it, slowly closing them once more to try and settle back into his comfortable sleep. But as soon as he remembered how long it had been since he slept, they opened again in curiousity. He turned his head and rubbed the side of his face to try and regain focus, looking at his bedside clock and trying to put those numbers into some kind of sense. Nine. Nine in the morning he supposed, light out as it was. He'd actually been sleeping for a good long while. Relief flooded him, and he began sorting out the pieces of memory idling about his head. Lawrence. Naturally he remembered Lawrence first off.

Looking over to the other side of his bed, he saw Lawrence sitting up next to him and shifting, his face in his hands as he groaned tiredly. The movement must have been what woke him. Adam blinked in surprise. He'd stayed here. He watched as Lawrence drew his gaze over to the clock, eyes widening slightly as he dropped his arms into his lap. As he was turning away from it, however, he caught Adam's eyes and paused. "You awake?" he asked needlessly.

"…Yeah." Adam's voice came out gruff and strained. He cleared his throat. "What time is it…?" …why was he asking that, he just looked at the clock…

"It's about nine." Lawrence answered, looking at the clock again as though to ensure he was remembering that correctly. "How do you feel?"

Adam smiled sheepishly and looked away, raising a hand to scratch his neck. "Ah…pretty good."

Lawrence ruffled Adam's hair affectionately, and Adam found himself blushing all over again, though hating himself for it. He liked the feeling of Lawrence's fawning, more than he was ready to admit. "Good." Lawrence replied.

"You stayed the night." Adam observed.

"Yeah, well…" Lawrence smirked, taking his hand away and rubbing his own neck stiffly. "Guess I nodded off. Sorry."

Adam slowly pulled himself up, lifting a hand like he was going to touch him, but deciding against it. "No, it's…I mean, I was just thinking that your wife would be wondering…"

"I wouldn't worry." Lawrence shook his head, gazing at him for a while. "…But all the same, I should get going."

"Oh. Uh, yeah." Adam agreed, seeing Lawrence reach over the edge of the bed and find his crutch. "You want something to eat? I…" he stopped for a moment before shrugging. "Um…I might have some cereal or something."

"Let me make a wild guess and say you don't do a lot of shopping." Lawrence chuckled as he found his way to his feet.

"Not especially." Adam confessed. "…I have some soup, some…peanut butter. Take your pick." He dragged himself to sit over the edge of the bed.

"That's alright…I've gotta get home." He sighed once more, trying to wake himself up enough to move. He looked down at Adam and caught the uncertain expression. "I'll be back…I'll…call you." …maybe that didn't exactly sound like the right thing to say. To make up for it, he bent down, giving Adam a long kiss that caused him to go rigid, and then limp. He instinctively reached out one arm up around Lawrence's waist while the other stayed at his hip, a searing kind of contact igniting between them that bluntly stated that this was not to be a one time occurrence. Adam's eyes opened hazily as Lawrence pulled back. "…Tonight." He decided.

Adam blinked. "Tonight?"

"Yeah. Unless you've got other plans."

Adam shook his head. "No. I mean um…I'll be here."

Lawrence paused for a second, then put his hand to the back of Adam's head and pulled him into a breif hug against his stomach. "Okay. See you tonight, then." He said, stepping back.

Adam watched Lawrence move off and walk to the door. "Later man." He nodded and stared out at the door numbly, even after Lawrence had left. After that he sighed in a dim waver between contentment and plain confusion, collapsing back onto the bed, which was still warm from where they had slept.


	21. House Call

**Rebirth – Chapter 21: House Call**

_-Notes-_

_Hey guys, sorry it took so long to update. It's been crazy to try and find the time for lately._

_Merry-2004: Ah yes, enjoy it…while it lasts. MWAHAHAHaaa..ah…Okay._

_AngelGardian666: Let's see, well…judging by the age of his daughter, I guess him to be about in his early to mid thirties? That's what I'm thinkin', anyway. While Adam is probably early to mid twenties. Oh no! Don't cook any more things-hides-_

_Janrearay: Aw, shucks, I don't think we should kill her! XD I mean, I'd feel pretty damn worthless if my husband turned from a harrowing ordeal into the arms of a younger, prettier…man. :D But we'll just have to see. Thanks!_

-

Adam bolted upright as the knock at his door echoed through his walls, shattering his contemplations sharply. Stretching his back for a moment, he tossed down the stack of papers in his hand back onto his desk and went for the door, worrying about who it could be. He didn't want to see anyone around here now. It was either a hounding client or a drinking buddy, or maybe even his building super, but what they wanted was left to be guessed. "Yeah, hang on!" he barked out, stumbling over a tipped chair and stepping over a stack of photos. As he made it to the door, he fell against it slightly, cursing himself and pawing at the chain. It opened with a click and a groan.

"Did I interupt something?" said his visitor with a grin.

"Lawrence?" Adam stared in surprise.

"What, no Dr. Gordon?" Lawrence cocked his head to the side and Adam backed away, allowing him to enter. Lawrence took the opportunity and pushed past him, a paper bag in his one crutchless arm.

"I-I thought you weren't coming by until tonight." Adam pointed out, swiveling around as Lawrence continued on into his home.

"Yeah, I know," Lawrence nodded, setting his bag down on the surface of Adam's counter once he made it into the kitchen.

Adam shut the door and curiously followed him.

"But I was out. I needed some things at the store and I sort of…picked up some things for you." Lawrence explained, digging through the bag for a minute before leaving it alone.

"Like what?" Adam came into the kitchen area as well.

"Essentials I noticed you lacking." Was his reply. He smiled slyly over a shoulder as he glanced at Adam. "You know…food?"

"Oh. Well," he scratched the back of his head, feeling a wrench of pain as he touched his still-healing wound. "…what for?"

Lawrence smirked. "There's a guy who lives here. He's about your age, good build—his name's Adam. You've gotta feed him a couple times a day to keep him going. And let him sleep, you can't keep him up all hours of the night. Take care of him for me, huh?"

"You don't have to buy me anything, Lawrence." Adam lowered his head indignantly.

"Yeah, but if I didn't, you wouldn't." Lawrence accused. "Okay. Well. Sorry I can't stay. Allison expects me home pretty quick, so…" he turned, gazing over Adam, who was leaning against the wall casually.

Adam felt himself going slightly flushed as he held his eyes away, aware that he was being looked at. "Thanks…"

"Let me know if there's anything else you need. Really. I mean it. And especially tell me if, you know, something doesn't feel right. If your head's bothering you, or your shoulder."

"Why bother you when I've got Dr. Phil on speed dail?" Adam said sarcastically. He got a look for that. "Relax. I'll be fine." He shrugged.

"Alright." Lawrence looked around. "What were you doing before I got here, anyway?"

"I was sort of cleaning up, if you're so interested." Adam motioned to his desk, which now, instead of aimless piles, there were at least sorted stacks.

Lawrence held a hand to his chest dramatically. "For me?"

"…Yeah, actually." Adam swallowed.

Lawrence turned a little more serious and smiled. "Eat something, okay? I'm serious here. It scares me to think the only thing you've eaten in the past week is peanut butter."

"It's not so bad. Cigarettes surpress the appetite, you know. Useful little drug." Adam shook his head.

"…Smoking is one of the few things I overlook when considering you." Lawrence declared ruefully.

"Oh yeah? Well I've always hated doctors. So there. We're both compromising." He defended.

Lawrence laughed and looked around, coming towards him and back out into the main living area. "I've gotta go. I'll be back around…eight?"

"Sure." Adam agreed, meeting Lawrence's eyes. They faced each other unsurely for a few moments. _…What?_ _Should I kiss him…? Does he want to be kissed right now? I mean…he's going home to his wife…But then why is he looking at me like that?_ Adam pondered for another moment before deciding against it, holding up a hand hesitantly in a small wave. "See ya."

"Yeah." Lawrence nodded back, and Adam opened the door for him.

"Thanks again."

"Any time." Lawrence said back, and Adam felt rather sure that he meant that. That in and of itself enthralled him.

"Bye." He slowly shut the door and stood there for a moment, looking down at the hand that was touching the handle and thinking over it. Part of him was still in semi-shock of seeing him when he was not expected, and the other part was questioning why that pleased him so much. Naturally he was happy to see him. But it was strange, suddenly being so cared for.

He turned away from the door and trudged back into his living room, a slow march towards the kitchen as he contemplated his feelings. He was stubborn, of course. No grown man wants someone 'taking care' of him. But at the same time, he owed a lot to Lawrence just for that. He had at last fallen asleep the previous night somehow, and he readily admitted that his morale had improved. And that he enjoyed, if not craved, Lawrence's company. He was grateful, but not naïve about it. After all, things between them right now, while nice, were still…a _mess_.

Adam sighed and tried not to think on that subject as he prodded the paper bag on the counter in wonderment. He looked down into it and began pulling out some of the items for study. Bananas. He put them down on the table and plucked one off the cluster, lazily tearing peel down by the stem with his teeth and shoving it into his mouth as he continued searching the bag. Tomato sauce and dry pasta…obviously assuming he knew how to make spaghetti. A box of Corn Flakes, a carton of milk, some orange juice, bread and strawberry jelly, and lastly, but most to Adam's thankfulness, a bottle of asprin.

He couldn't help but smile a little as he picked it up, relieved to have a means to lessen the pain. He turned it over in his hand a few times with a sigh.

_Man…Should've kissed him…_


	22. Small White Lie

**Rebirth – Chapter 22: Small White Lie**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Heh, thank you :D Adam's surely sensibly sweet under his loner exterior. It's kind of weird though, I'm taking a whole lot of liberty with someone else's characters here. _

_Kaliska Vanka: Eee, I'm sort of worrying about the mush level of the story. I don't want to turn it into utter crap as a filler. But there are some pretty lovey scenes afoot, so I'll try and shape up. Thanks!_

_AngelGardian666: Ah, don't worry about it! No sweat—it's good to know that people are reading. Thank yoo!_

_Bell Pie: XD No no, I don't write mpreg stuff! I mean, homosexuality is natural, but…I think we can all agree that men having babies is not:P Oh yes, Lawrence loves to play doctor. I sort of figured his personality aimed that angle from the way he was boasting out his profession at Adam the first time they met. He's proud to be a crackpot surgeon alright. Thanks. :)_

_Sorry if the next handful of chapters seem pointless…must leave contemplation time for characters…must finish stupid RL works…I'm so tired. Xx…_

-

"Larry,"

"Keys…" Lawrence distractedly, fumbled through his pockets, suddenly looking for the keys that he'd never lost before. "I just had 'em, where…"

"Larry," Allison continued to press, coming up behind him.

"Didn't I just have them in my hand?" he looked at her with an exasperated shrug.

"Larry—hey listen for a second, huh?" she stopped him, standing in his path for a moment. "Paging Dr. Gordon?"

"Right, sorry, what?" he brought his focus back to her with and apologetic nod, still half-consciously feeling through his pockets.

"It's just, you know, I mean…I'm not so sure you should be up right now." She stated, eying him up and down.

"…Huh?" he stared at her unblinking, trying to comprehend.

"Larry, you've practically been up and moving since the day you got back, and you know you should be resting. Come on, you're always coming and going and…well you're doing as much as you did before. And you're not even back at work yet." She explained.

Lawrence felt himself shudder as he thought about his hospital, but disregarded it. "…I haven't been out that much."

"Most people take it easy when they've had a major injury—you seem to be taking it harder." She threw up an arm. "Can't you cool it for a couple of days?"

"Allison, relax." He pleaded, holding up a hand slightly to try and get a word in. "I'm not doing anything I can't handle."

"Like where were you last night for one?" she asked, and he looked down at the floor for a second. "You were gone all night, you scared the hell out of me."

"…I was with Adam." He said truthfully. "Well uh…we both got pretty drunk. I didn't want to drive back like that, so I stayed the night on his couch." That was where the lying began.

"You didn't call?"

"I know, I should've. I was out of it. It was a stupid thing to do, I'm really sorry." Lawrence met her eyes guiltily. He did feel bad about leaving the two of them here without so much as a word. "Weak moments…you know? They've been sneaking up on me lately…"

"Well…" Allison nodded in what was an attempt to be understanding. "All the same, I _really_ don't think you should be driving in the first place. Look, if you've really gotta go somewhere, can I at least drive you there?" she offered as she watched him fidget.

"I'm just going to Adam's. That's the only place I've _been_ going." He said, trying to build back a foundation of truth while leaning pensively on his crutch.

Allison looked down the hall breifly towards Diana's room as though she thought she'd heard something, then returned to him. "That's another thing I'm not really getting, Lar." She sighed. "I know he's your new friend and everything…I mean, I know you two were…well you went through that." She cleared her throat uncomfortably before continuing. "…But it's practically every day now. Is there something wrong with him or what?"

"No, everything's fine." Lawrence shook his head, trying to think of a way he could appropriately convey his feelings. "Allison…it's just that…he doesn't _have_ …anyone else. At all, I mean. He doesn't talk to his family, he's secluded, doesn't see any friends. He's alone, and after something like this…he shouldn't have to be. I'm afraid he'll crack."

Allison was silent for what seemed to be a long while, Lawrence anxiously awaiting her response before she nodded again solemnly. "…I didn't know."

Lawrence breathed a mental sigh of relief. "…If you really want me to stay—" he began, but she cut him off.

"The kitchen." Allison said.

"…Eh?"

"You left your keys in the kitchen." She chuckled and shook her head. "Just be careful, Larry. I mean it…don't burn yourself out."

"Thank you." He said. "I'll be back before ten. I promise."

"Okay." She watched as he made his way into the kitchen to find his keys, biting her lip in thought. "You know Larry, maybe you should invite him over for dinner some time. If he's so lonely."

Lawrence took his keys in hand and paused, slowly feeling a thumb over the ridge of one. "Uh…yeah. Yeah, that might be nice. I'll ask him what he thinks." He agreed, turning back to face her.

"Alright. Well I'll see you when you get back." Allison crossed her arms for a moment, contemplating something before she leaned forward and kissed his cheek. Lawrence felt a strange sense of alarm as she did so, despite the fact that he had done the same to her nearly every day. If she sensed his discomfort, she made no note of it. "Goodnight, Lar."

"…Goodnight." He replied with a nod, watching her walk back to their room. He heaved a deep sigh as he went to the door, pushing aside the clouded pieces of his mind for the time being.


	23. Made Your Bed

**Rebirth – Chapter 23: Made Your Bed…**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: Cool! Don't you mean horrendously awkward! XD I think Larry's head would explode seeing both of them in the same room. Thanks!_

_Bell Pie: Yeah, male pregnancy…This fic is supposed to be, you know, realistic? Oh, Allison always expects something ;) But then I guess she's always right, isn't she? And naturally it's easy to believe that Lawrence could be gay, I thought, anyway. The way he spoke to Adam, the way he just didn't want to spend time with his wife or have an affair with a woman…Not the only explanation, but plausible all the same. And Adam? Well. Adam just reminded me a lot of a gay guy I once knew. :P_

_AngelGardian666:D Visit indeed…Thank you!_

_Gatekeeper: I understand what you mean about an addiction being irritating, so while I am supremely flattered, I'm also guiltily apologetic. I just hope that the works of it here on out don't disppoint you guys. But thank you very much, your feedback makes it feel worth improving upon. It makes me not feel so bad that I have limited time to work on it, and makes me determined to find more of that time._

_Sorry about the slowness of updating, once more. It seems like I always get interupted when trying to upload, an excuse I'm sure all authors can empathize upon. :)_

-

Lawrence craned his head back restlessly against his pillows, eyes aimlessly studying the darkness as he lay contemplating. He'd spent his whole day in this house, upon Allison's request, naturally, and he was beginning to get anxious. Lying around, sitting around, watching T.V., trying to read a book or some magazines, but nothing interested him here. Diana was home for a few hours and he'd had someone to spend time with then, but in the midsts of homework, dinner, and bedtime, he felt as though he'd hardly gotten to see her at all. Not that Allison was bad company, but there was hardly anything between them to talk about, so he found. How had he not noticed that before? Had their relationship fallen apart or had there been anything in the first place to have fallen? He vaguely remembered loving her…he thought, anyway.

He knew that he did, years ago. At first she'd laughed him off with the affectionate term 'workaholic', but not long after, that quiet acceptance turned into stiff resentment. He couldn't blame her. And though he hated to admit it…maybe some of the reason for his emotional distance was that he was trying to get away from her. Maybe part of him already realized long ago that he wasn't in love with her. So did she think he still was? He didn't know. This marriage seemed unsalvagable, and it was beginning to depress him. Before, when these thoughts hit him, he buried himself in his work and pretended that it never came up. What was he to do now?

He scratched his chest and looked over at the clock, but didn't even read the time. It was too much to process all at once. He shifted a little and felt a spark of pain in his leg, but it was met with a welcome twitch from the muscles of his foot. At least his body was coming back, if nothing else. Slowly looking to his side, he saw Allison lying with her back facing him on the other end of the bed, still and sleeping. He found himself asking her spitefully in his head just how she could sleep. But he couldn't blame her for his own issues. Just because he half expected to see Adam when looking to that side of the bed. He sighed again and slapped a hand over his face. Adam…

It had only been a day since he'd seen Adam and yet he missed him like crazy. He wondered what he was doing, if he was sleeping, or eating—mostly stupid things that were in actuallity somewhat plausible. He just couldn't help it. Adam was an addiction, and he needed a fix. The previous night had been nice, at least…He'd ordered a pizza to be delivered to Adam's with full intent of arriving there first, only to be stuck in traffic. He finally arrived just in time to find both Adam and a delivery man very confused. They spent their time talking and watching T.V. Lawrence continually brought up Adam's photos, hoping that he would share some of his lighter ones, but Adam artfully dodged the subject each time. That only left him determined to get Adam to open to him. Eventually he would, he was sure of that much. He might have been emotionally shy, but already he was starting to cave, little by little.

The night had been short, however. Lawrence had just come with the idea of a conversation, but it only took one misdirected glance before things went haywire. He'd only leaned over to grab a napkin, or his drink, or…something—he couldn't be bothered to remember what—when he made the mistake of looking up. Then his hands were on his face and he was drawing kisses from him, and Adam was complying nicely. They got pretty far into it before Lawrence caught a look at the clock and realized that it was nearly ten thirty. As reluctant as he was, he was forced to pull away and leave them both hot and bothered. He did his best to calm himself down. The last thing he would have wanted was to go home as worked up as he was near Allison…How awkward that would be.

He hadn't even left Adam with any plans. He figured he would stop by in a few days after Allison was sufficiently appeased that he'd been resting enough, but he never imagined that he would feel so impatient. Adam was the only one he could talk to, the only one who felt real anymore, aside from his daughter. But of course, he couldn't speak to her about everything. …He remembered earlier in the day when he'd received a few phone calls from old friends, if that's really what they were. Talking about how it was 'too bad' what happened to him. Asking if there was anything they could do. Saying that they should come and visit him. But why? He couldn't help but feel bitter about that. If they cared, they might have come to see him while he was in the hospital. They might have not tried to play saint by coming to his social rescue. They all bored him, and he didn't sense an ounce of sincerity in a single one. But he supposed that he might have done the same thing had it not been him to go through this, as arrogant as he had been.

Everyone has those methods of making themselves fall asleep. Lawrence was trying the particular game of closing his eyes and telling himself that he wouldn't open them again no matter how awake he felt. But after about twenty minutes of it, he at last sat up with a scoff. He couldn't take this anymore. He couldn't possibly sleep in this place, in the bed that didn't seem to have room for him. Even this house seemed ominous. And…there was only one place he could think that was different from this.

He slowly moved his injured foot over the side of the bed, hesitantly reaching out for the crutch, cursing himself all the while.

…………………….

_What are you doing here, Lawrence?_ He sighed mentally as he leaned his head down on the steering wheel, sitting parked below the darkened apartment building. _You're insane, you know that? It's ten o'clock, you should be at home in bed, with your wife. You know you'll catch hell for being out here?_

He shook his head and opened the door, stepping out onto the asphalt. _I'm a grown man._ He answered himself surely. He felt like he'd been here thousands of times before, and as this place became familiar to him, he was more and more comfortable with it. Maybe that was how Adam got used to living here. After a while, this place really didn't seem so bad. Sort of desolate, but not so bad.

He didn't know what he was planning. He didn't know why exactly he was here or what Adam would say, or even if he would feel any better about being here than he did being at home, but his hobbling steps didn't ask questions as they took him further into the building. As he came to Adam's door, he decided that it wouldn't be worth it to turn back now. Whatever the hell he was doing, he'd better get it over with. Almost unconsciously, his hand fell to the handle of the door, turning it and watching in shock as it opened. Immediately his mind panicked, apalled that Adam could've left it unlocked at this time of the night. What was he thinking, didn't he have any sense? He hadn't even really meant to try and open the door in the first place, he was just… He quickly pushed down his fear, however, as he stepped in, reasoning that the door had not been opened, so it stood to chance that nothing had happened. Even still, the potential frightened him.

As could be expected, all lights were off in the house, save for a dim lamp by the bed. The bed upon which Adam currently lay.

Adam was lying on his side unconscious, breathing shallow breaths and looking deep and peaceful. It was a sight Lawrence was thankful for. It was more than satisfying to see that he was sleeping, and okay. He was fine. _Is that why you came out here? To check on him?_ Grumbled something in the back of his head as he crept closer to the bed, pushing himself down to crouch slightly near the edge. He watched the way Adam breathed lightly, muscles relaxed and features pacified, and all of his inhibitions about having come here were suddenly gone. The very same voice that had been accusing this act as being made out of stupidity was now telling him not to go.

He smiled slightly as Adam twitched, under the effect of some wayward dream. He reached out and began stroking the back of his hand against Adam's cheek, feeling the persistant desire that anyone would feel to touch one that they cared for when given the oppertunity. He knew that for the time being, he wasn't going to be able to go anywhere. This was where he wanted to be, as much as he might have liked to change that. After a moment, Adam began to respond to the touches, shifting a little in his position and sighing. Lawrence almost let up before Adam's eyes opened barely.

"Uh…" Lawrence swallowed. He wasn't sure exactly that he'd meant for him to wake up. "Hi there…" he whispered, knowing how strange it must look.

Adam said nothing, but his eyes remained slightly opened and on Lawrence. Lawrence vaguely thought he felt the question 'what are you doing here?' circling the air once again.

"…Things at home are…weird." Was all he could say. He didn't know how else to explain it, that was his only justification. For a long moment, Lawrence was sure that Adam wasn't really awake at all. But then, tiredly, one of his arms raised up in a languid motion, a gesture that beckoned Lawrence down to him. Forgetting all of his questions, Lawrence cautiously lowered himself down onto the bed to lie with him, gladly accepting the embrace that was offered.


	24. now Lie in it

**Rebirth – Chapter 24: …now Lie in it.**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: XP That's my favorite sleep game! Yeah, it…never works. Thanks!_

_AngelGardian666: Aw, sorry you're sick. I hope the death flu (a hideous beast I am much familiar with) has left you by the time you read this. :)_

_Raz Gaiale: Shucks, thanks! Yes, Allison will shuffle into the picture relatively soon. What's romance without conflict, after all? …SPEED! THAT'S where I know I've heard that line! XD! Thank you, I so totally missed that!_

_Redrose2310: Er, thanks! Presenting to you chapter 24. :D_

_I love you all. On an unrelated note, I'm currently taking a LOT of painkillers. :P EVERYONE STRIP NAKED AND SING WITH ME!_

_Again: chapter contains sexually affiliated subject matter._

-

When Adam awoke, he couldn't be sure what time it was. His muscles wouldn't move and it was pitch black around him, so he felt it safe to assume after a moment of calculating that he had woken up at the wrong time. He stretched out a leg and sighed, resituating himself just slightly, or as much as he could with the arms curled around him. _…How exactly did you get here? _He thought as he looked down at an arm around his waist, feeling the tight grip that Lawrence had pulled him into. He was breathing somewhat heavy, his head resting nuzzled up against the back of Adam's shoulder as he slept. Adam wondered at what kind of dream he must've been having…but then he got the idea.

Lawrence was in a deep sleep, but even still it was evident the signs of his body's resltessness. Adam was especially shocked to feel what he could only assume to be Lawrence's clear arousal against the back of his leg, the idea of which suddenly making him wide awake. _Some dream!_ _…_ Adam chuckled to himself nervously, swallowing hard as he stiffened a little—in more places than one. This was new. He clenched his eyes shut and tried to get back to sleep, refusing to torment himself by lying here conscious. There wasn't anything he could—or should—do about that right now. He could deal with it in the morning…somehow. Or…maybe he'd just be able to forget about it by then.

Of course, that didn't work. The more he tried to sleep, the more Lawrence's body was all he could focus on, and the way it was pressed so close against his own. The warmth of Lawrence's breath on his shoulder and the feel of his hands on his middle were only adding to the problem, reminding Adam of where those hands had been just a few days ago…Oh hell. Suddenly that picture was stuck in his head, and the memory of those feelings was sending shock waves straight to his groin. Tightening his fists in frustration, he tried to close his eyes again, only to be met with those familiar, arousing images that he knew would never leave him. Lawrence's body on top of his, the shiver that he couldn't help when he felt lips against his neck, the soft throbbing of his cock under Lawrence's hand. It was almost too much just to think about it.

Adam moved barely to try and resituate his now straining erection, at which Lawrence responded by shifting one arm a short ways up his body to his ribcage. Adam bristled under the friction, concentrating on where that arm settled. He paused for a long while as he looked down at it, biting his lip. Testingly, he pushed himself back against Lawrence's body, gently letting his leg apply some pressure to the most …restless part of his companion. He felt a groan rumble in Lawrence's chest, sending out a vibration that crawled down Adam's back and settled between his legs. That broke him.

Adam put a hand on Lawrence's arm, easing it away so that he could raise up as he turned over and placed a palm up against his shoulder. "Come on, man…" he murmured as he pushed Lawrence over onto his back, crawling up over him. "We gotta…fuck, I don't know…do _something_ here…" he bowed his head down onto his chest and reached down to undo Lawrence's pants, almost unthinking as though he'd done this a dozen times before. Lawrence sighed below him, confused and oblivious in his unconscious world as hands tugged down his pants. Adam didn't get much further than that, as he was at a loss. He didn't know what to do from this point, he'd never been with a man before…Reaching up, he apprehensively kissed him, surprisingly getting a rather hasty reaction as Lawrence kissed back and began blindly fumbling one arm to fall at Adam's side.

Adam put more passion into his kiss, rubbing his hand against the side of Lawrence's head as he methodically rocked his hips once along his lover's. Lawrence's chest rose in what seemed like a gasp of some sort, his legs moving a little to accommodate the body on his. Adam slowly repeated the action in a tenative fashion, biting back on a gasp of his own as he felt a hot spark of dizzy intoxication claw at his consciousness. His body seemed to know what to do better than he did. Lawrence let out a choked moan as his hands suddenly found Adam's waist, a sign that suggested he had woken up. A moment later he felt Lawrence rise up to meet his rythmatic rocking eagerly, releasing a husky growl that made Adam instinctively push down harder against him.

They were both into it headlong now, Lawrence really only half awake, but his body preforming without effort. Adam couldn't stop the chorus of moans that came tumbling out of his chest, his vision blurry and his nerves tingling pleasurably in a growing torrent. He was having a difficult time trying to kiss back as Lawrence ravaged him with kisses of his own and a nip here and there against more sensitive skin, his hands roaming various parts of the other's body, but it all felt so good that nothing really mattered. Adam paid careful attention to when Lawrence bucked up against him, trying to focus his movements towards the areas that received severe reactions. He desperately wanted to relieve his partner, but he didn't know how much longer he himself would last.

He quickly felt Lawrence tense up, his fingers digging into Adam's side as his back arched and he cried out sharply. This was followed by a tighter grip and a louder cry, making Adam gasp out. He somehow reveled in this. The idea of giving Lawrence a much needed climax inspired in him an odd feeling of power, and he clenched his jaw tightly as he felt himself peaking as well. His mind fizzled and blackened as he let out a grateful moan, cumming with a grimace into a daze. He was practically tremoring as he came down off his high, panting slow and deep.

He collapsed onto Lawrence, resting his head down on his chest and feeling his body slump. It was as though all of his muscles had turned into a liquid that was slowly melting away from his bones, leaving him useless and motionless. He managed to keep his eyes open as Lawrence put his arms on him, one hand rubbing his side that had been slightly clawed at and the other stroking over his head. "…Adam…whoah…" he croaked, obviously awake by now.

"Mm." He replied, closing his eyes.

"…What _was_ that?" Lawrence continued.

Adam sighed softly, raising his head to look up at him. "…Sorry, I-I…I think I have another pair of boxers you could borrow…" he muttered.

Lawrence laughed quietly and pushed his head back down onto his chest, gently running his fingers through his hair. "No, I meant…better than any alarm clock."

"…Looked like you needed it…" Adam offered tiredly, letting his eyes close again as he felt the tender touches.

"…For a long time." He admitted, feeling the short strands of Adam's hair fondly between his fingers.

"Should've asked me to do something sooner…I…I would've done it, you know." Adam replied, unable to help but think that he hadn't really done much for Lawrence in comparison with what had been done for him. "Any time."

"Hm…" Lawrence smiled sighed again, voice heavy and lilted with exhaustion. "…Good to know."

Adam responded with an equally exhausted grumble, resting comfortably against the warmth of another body for what seemed like the first time in years.


	25. Alone Time

**Rebirth – Chapter 25: Alone Time**

_Merry-2004: Aw yes, I think they're cute. Thank you, I'm glad you're still enjoying it!_

_RazGaiale: Thanks, I thought it would only be fair for Lawrence to get some feedback. :D The poor guy never seems to catch a break. And Adam, well, Adam will realize pretty quick that it was Lawrence that pulled him out of the dreary state his life was in. So he doesn't mind rubbing him the right way, when given the chance. Mehe._

_Redrose2310: Thanks. I hope so. :)_

_AngelGardian666: XD I want that DVD. Give it to me. GIVE IT! …Er, sorry…Anyway, I'm glad you're not sick anymore. Sick is bad. Bad. …Bad. _

_Kei Arisugawa: I made someone's day, well Hell, that really makes my day. :D I'm glad that you like it. Many times I've been thumbing around thinking… "Gosh I wish there was a romance involving –insert random person A- and –insert random person B, but I don't have the time to write one." Don't cry! Look, look, more chapter! Sit down, have some cake, and read. 3_

_Me: Dear God, I've reviewed my own stor—wait a second, you're an entirely different person. Oh, tricky tricky…. Well thank you, I just thought they fit so well. :D I said, "I just don't have time to write an involved romance…blegh." But I really couldn't leave it alone. Or it couldn't leave me alone, rather. Looks like this story was going to be written whether I liked it or not. _

_Yet still, warning: __chapter contains sexually affiliated subject matter. Hope this isn't getting repetative…_

-

"So…" Adam cleared his throat as he dropped down onto the bed. "…staying the night?"

Lawrence flipped through a few more channels and glanced over at him. "Yeah. No one's expecting me home, anyway."

"How'd you manage that one?" he pondered.

Lawerence gave a somewhat nervous expression as he looked up to Adam. "Um…I sort of told Allison that you…" he paused, looking away.

"…I'm not gonna like this, am I?" Adam slouched, eying his friend suspiciously.

"Well…I told her you were seeing a therapist. And you sort of…kinda…asked me to go." He sheepishly sank down where he sat on the bed, gnawing on the rim of his soda can.

"I guess that's, er, not so bad." Adam shrugged, though he hated the idea of someone thinking he was that mentally unstable. _Well Hell, aren't you?_ A voice prodded him from the back of his mind.

"I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable." Lawrence apologized.

"Me? You're kidding." Adam looked towards the T.V. for a moment to catch a few seconds of some old Cops rerun before the channel switched. "I mean…I _am_ seeing a doctor, aren't I?"

Lawrence stretched out his legs in front of him and settled on a movie that looked about halfway finished. Some John Travolta flick, Adam wasn't really paying attention. He leaned back next to Lawrence, propping himself up on his elbows and letting his eyes blur as he gazed at the television. It was a strangely casual mood for so new a couple, but the many ironies of their relationship were far from lost on him. The biggest being the most obvious. Adam was having an affair with the same man that he had been hired to prove was having an affair, he couldn't very well ignore that. But he could damn well try.

To be honest, he was pretty sure that neither of them knew how to handle this. He never had any feelings for men whatsoever up until this point. What was so different about Lawrence? And as far as he knew, Lawrence hadn't expressed any interest in men either, which left them both at a very odd stand. What were they supposed to do when they were so foreign to one another? And yet, even despite that…he felt, in yet another ironic sense, unnervingly eased about all of this. It shocked him, in fact, just how level-headed he was being about it.

"So um…how ya feeling?" Lawrence asked after a while of half-attentive watching.

"…Good." Adam said, almost shyly leaning his head against the other's shoulder. Lawrence smiled slightly at the affection, giving a lengthy glance over him.

"Well you look much better." Lawrence studied the back of Adam's head for a second before reaching over and carefully taking his hand. "What about this?"

Adam led his eyes down to watch as Lawrence touched over his broken finger, which was healing rather well. "It's fine."

"Does it hurt when you move it?" he continued, placing experimental pushes along the bone.

"Not much." He decided.

Lawrence leaned over and reached out to put his soda down on a bedside table. "Good. It should be better in no time." He straightened back up and placed his hands on Adam's shoulders, with special note of his harmed one. "Shoulder sore?"

"Don't worry about it." He assured, pulling away slightly, but he was held firm as Lawrence's hands began to knead into his muscles. "Ugh…" despite himself, he couldn't help but let fall a relaxed murmur as he felt it.

"Hey, just cool it…" Lawrence muttered to him, massaging gently. "You always tense up. Let me loosen you out a little. I know your shoulder still hurts, it's only really been a few days…"

Adam sighed as Lawrence placed a light kiss on said shoulder. "You're the one that's supposed to be taking it easy…" he reminded.

"I am." Lawrence defended. "I wouldn't call this strenuous."

"You know what I mean."

"…Come on, Adam. Hasn't anyone ever taken care of you before?" he purred as he worked his hands. "Haven't you ever needed someone? Haven't you ever been sick or something? Needed help?"

"Yeah. Sure. I guess. I don't know." Adam said distractedly.

"And what did you do?"

"…When I'm sick I take meds…hurl my guts out…lie around. Same as anyone, why?" He was slowly warming up to it, enjoying the pressure of Lawrence's soothing hands.

_No one's ever there for him…_thought Lawrence sadly. _I really did take so much for granted._ "Then I guess you're not used to this."

"Guess not." Adam agreed halfheartedly.

They stayed like that for some time, Lawrence tending to him willingly and Adam feeling the dull pain in his shoulder receed. It was true, Adam had never been paid so much attention. After all, when in a relationship with a woman, sometimes men were just expected to be the one who treats them as such. He was expected to be the seducer and the lover—he never thought that maybe he wasn't getting much in return. Maybe his relationships had always been at least somewhat shallow in that sense. With Lawrence, it seemed nothing was expected of him.

Adam was disturbed out of his state when he heard the phone ring. "Mmf. Hang on…" he grumbled as he pulled away from Lawrence's grasp, standing shakily and trudging to the hall to answer his phone. It only rang perhaps three or four times within that period, but he felt as though it had been a thousand, and it was starting to piss him off. He picked up the phone from the hook and tried not to sound so irritable. "Hello?"

"Adam! Fag, where've you been?" came a gruff, male voice.

"Hey. Duncan?" he searched the dammaged recesses of his mind to recognize the voice at the other end of the line. His friend. Sort of. Sure, they talked every now and them, but there was really nothing substantial about their friendship.

"Fuck yeah, it's me. You stoned already or what? It's like, five in the p.m., dude."

"No. Man, I'm just tired, okay? What do you want?" he let out an exasperated breath.

"Jesus, someone took one up the ass this morning." Duncan snorted.

Adam sighed. Duncan never quit with the gay cracks. …One more irony, he supposed. "Sorry. Now how the fuck can I help you?"

He heard laughter from the other end. "Nothing, man. Hey, I was goin' down to Rudy's tonight. Haven't seen you in a while, wanna come down and knock a few back?"

"I don't…"

"Before you say no, dude, you've _gotta_." Duncan persisted. "Didn't you hear? Rudy's is closing down, tonight and tomorrow are the last nights it's gonna be open."

"Seriously?" he responded, but with less enthusiasm than he thought he should've been using. He'd been going to that place for years.

"Yeah, now come on. Take one more look at all the memories?"

"The memories." He repeated dryly.

"Yeah, the memories! Like the time that guy mistook your drink for a girl's and slipped you one of those fuckin' date rape drugs? Dude! That was fucking hilarious! You totally ate shit right in the middle of the crowd! You should've seen all those people makin' faces at us while we scraped your ass off the floor!"

Adam mumbled as Duncan went off into a laughing fit. There wasn't anything funny about that situation as far as he remembered it. And if he remembered correctly, his friends dumped him in the bathroom and left him there. "That's supposed to persuade me?"

"Come _on_, dude…"

"Look, normally I would, okay? I'm just…really busy tonight." He said.

"What, you got a gig or something?"

"Yeah." Adam lied. "Need the money."

"Okay, okay." Duncan let off. "Hey, can I hire you to track down Sarah Jessica Parker for me?"

"See you later." Adam hung up the phone and shook his head. Truthfully, he doubted he would have gone with him even if he wasn't with Lawrence tonight. His old friends were mostly drunks and losers anyway…

He went back to the bed, trying to shake away his memories.

"Who was that?" Lawrence asked.

"No one." Adam mumbled, flopping back onto the bed and resting his forehead down on Lawrence's lap. "Nothing important…" he casually drew his hand up Lawrence's leg, stopping at the rim of his pants and crawling his hand up underneath his shirt a little.

"Hm…" Lawrence responded as though he didn't quite believe him, but was letting it drop.

"Just an old friend." Adam gave up, catching the uncertainty. "Sort of, anyway. Not that he was um…much of a friend. Or that old."

"I know what you mean." Lawrence chuckled, watching with interest as Adam's fingertips touched over his stomach.

"It's…sort of weird to think I ever hung out with those guys." Adam uttered, somewhat more to himself as he hooked three fingers just barely into Lawrence's waistband and pulled down almost imperceptibly.

"Had friends just like those, too…What're you doing down there, anyway?" Lawrence asked, swallowing the lump in his throat as he felt the motion.

"Just…being friendly." He replied, planting a small kiss on his exposed hip.

"…Well…" Lawrence nodded, continuing on. "I had some friends of my own that weren't exactly the greatest. Just…fakes, now that I think about it. But Hell, I can't say much. I mean, for a while there, God knows how long, I was one of them."

"Yeah? What makes you so sure?" Adam asked genuinely, shifting his hand on Lawrence's leg.

"I don't know…" was his answer. "It's part of the doctor mentality, you know? Maybe when you numb yourself to death, you numb yourself to a lot more things you never knew about. But when death doesn't mean anything to you…neither does life. … I was like a zombie or something. I never realized it before. Or if I did, I…guess I just didn't care."

"Man don't hate me for asking this, but…" Adam cleared his throat. "What…changed it?"

Lawrence uneasily shifted, resting a hand at the back of Adam's neck. "I…well…I was reminded that…death mattered to me. That I …_did_ care."

Adam was silent for a while. "Me too…I guess." He kissed Lawrence's bare skin again and moved his hand edgily. He tried to keep the memories at bay. Drenched and shivering, white lights giving him a headache, the stench of death everywhere. His ankle hurt when he thought about it.

"More importantly, that…life matters too." Adam felt the warm caress at the back of his head, trying to comfort him.

Adam smiled slightly and rubbed his leg slowly, hands moving of their own accord as he thought to himself for a moment.

Lawrence looked down in wonder as Adam touched him, his hand dangerously close to a part of him that was having an increasing desire to be touched with all the attention. He didn't want to make Adam uncomfortable with that, and truth be told, it was a little embarassing, despite their past encounters… "Uh, Adam, y-you're sort of making me, uh…" he tried to come up with some way to finish that.

"What?" Adam looked up at him, then up and down his body in momentary confusion before his eyes settled between Lawrence's legs. "…Oh, sorry…" his eyebrows raised and he moved back slightly, but then stopped. _So what?_ He thought, brain muddled. _Shouldn't I…I don't know…be the one to do something about that?_ He pondered.

Lawrence looked down at him, unmoving as he sat befuddled at Adam's reaction.

"Well…" Adam scratched the back of his head for a second and leaned back down, hesitantly unzipping his pants.

Lawrence gaped, seemingly entranced by the sight as Adam took his pants down a ways, starting at his boxers as well. He didn't know exactly what he was planning, but he couldn't find the words to ask the question.

Adam took a breath and boldly pulled down the rest of his garment, showing Lawrence's 'problem' in clear view and trying to process his own motive. _What are you doing?_ He asked himself. _You've gotten this far, do something already._ _Either bail out or…what are you thinking of doing, anyway? Going down on another dude?_ Adam mentally sneered, and yet…he was shocked at how little that thought did to deter him. Shouldn't he be revolted at the idea of having his mouth on another guy's…? Well. For whatever reason, he wasn't. And whatever the case, he shouldn't leave him hard and wanting…Hell…maybe…he could give it a try… _You're not serious._ Said the voice in his head. _You're actually considering giving head? Do you realize that a week ago you would've kicked your own ass for having a thought like that?_

Ignoring those thoughts, Adam reached out and gripped Lawrence's erection, feeling the skin as both understandably foreign and oddly…normal all at once.

Lawrence jumped, sitting up straighter with a grunt as he looked down. "Whoah, Adam-"

"Just…let me…try here." Adam said nervously, biting his lip as he tried to figure out a way to start this. _Can't have that bad of a taste…it's just skin, right?_ He shrugged and resituated himself so that he was in a less awkward position, swallowing hard once before he guardedly touched his tongue to the staff.

Lawrence's breath cut in his throat, nearly making him cough as he clenched his fingers into the sheets. "Jesus, oh, y-you're gonna—?"

Adam steeled his nerves again and pressed the flat of his tongue up against the tip, retracting it as he heard a light gasp. There…Nothing disgusting about it…He blinked, stunned as though this were some profound knowledge. More eased, he carefully pushed the head of it into his mouth, very aware of his teeth at the moment and trying to keep them out of the picture.

"A-Adam you don't have t—" Lawrence started to say something, but he was cut off as he suddenly became familiar with the exact sensation that made a man's eyes roll back into his head. He tried to shake off the lightheadedness, but the feeling was intense, and he was helpless. It had been a _long_ time since this had ever been a factor. In fact, he could only really recall two or three times someone had done this to him in his life. Allison had never done it, and before her, his memory was somewhat faded. But oh God, this was…incredible, albeit amatuer.

Adam concentrated on being gentle, trying to imagine what would feel good from his own perspective. Being another man, he obviously had somewhat of an advantage. He managed about half of him into his mouth, using a hand to tend to the rest as he examained the feeling of what was sitting on his tongue. _Well this is… _Adam thought curiously._ …strangely…erotic._ He tried to remember how it felt, using his own personal experience as a guide. _Just…move. Movement feels good._ He reminded himself, pulling back and moving back down on him, extracting a deep-throated moan that gave him a small surge of victory. Finally he was giving _something_ back to Lawrence.

Lawrence looked down and took in the sight in shock, keeping his hips still in the wake of Adam's tongue strokes. "Adam…ah…" he tried to articulate something. Maybe to tell him he should stop—after all, he didn't want him to choke. And he was pretty damn close to spilling himself. The warmth, the pressure, the moisture, it was almost too much to process. He returned his hand to the back of Adam's head, stroking over his hair lightly.

Adam knew that he was almost there by the alternations between tensing and shivering, the hand on his head dropping to his shoulder and gripping tightly. He wasn't sure how he expected to handle Lawrence's release, but he continued to move his tongue and grope the remainder of his pulsing length in his hand. He increased the pressure as he felt the hand on his shoulder go rigid and heard a loud outward cry from above him, wincing when he felt the fluid touch the back of his pallet. He swallowed instinctively when it hit his throat, momentarily giving him a sense of nasuea. He pushed it down and quickly got over it, moving his tongue in a slower rythmn until the grasp on his shoulder loosened up and Lawrence gave a heavy sigh.

Adam tenatively pulled up with a small cough, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand in a semi-daze. Lawrence's hand was back on his shoulder. "A-are you…alright?" Lawrence asked worriedly, voice hoarse.

"Yeah, yeah." He nodded quickly. "Uh, w-was that good?" he awkwardly searched for some approval, looking down at Lawrence's lap and then back to him.

"…That…was a _lot_ better than good, I'll say that much." Lawrence grabbed him, pulling him into a payful hug.

"Yeah, that really wasn't so bad." Adam agreed with relief, relaxing slightly against his form.

"You uh…need some help?" Lawrence asked quietly, his hand traveling very near to Adam's inner thigh for effect.

Adam nodded and pushed up against him. "…That'd be great."

"How do you want me to um…?" Lawrence trailed off.

"I-I don't care." Adam said, successfully keeping a blush out of his cheeks. "I…liked…the way your hand felt. …Slow."

"Sure." He kissed Adam's neck and pushed his legs back a little, slipping a hand into his shorts.

Adam leaned his head forward against Lawrence's shoulder and closed his eyes, mind swimming in thought as he felt himself touched. He felt good. Strange, but good. It was just odd, was all, to go from something of a ladies man to…well, as gay as they come. How had the change happened? Shouldn't this come with tight clothes and eye liner? Or neon-lit bars and a feminine lisp? Or…something? Stereotypes, he supposed…He'd never even known any gay people. Not that he ever put much thought into it—it had nothing to do with him, why bother? And now here he was, sitting on top of another man who was currently jerking him off, the bitter taste of cum still in the back of his throat. He would've laughed if he wasn't busy moaning.

Despite all of the sense that it didn't make, it still felt right. Normal. Natural. Two people who couldn't be more different, couldn't be more wrong for each other, but still, still fit. Those were his thoughts as he climaxed into Lawrence's waiting hand, chest heaving against his newfound lover's and his mind at last deciding that yes—it was all very weird. But who gave a fuck?

…He quickly remembered, however, exactly who would.


	26. Visions of a Past Life

**Rebirth – Chapter 26: Visions of a Past Life**

_-Notes-_

_Merry-2004: You somehow always manage to be the first to review every chapter. :D I love you for that. Ah, don't you just love those insane distractions? People only want something from me when I'm busy. Glad you got through it, though! I love to write sex scenes, action scenes, romance scenes, you know. …Did I just name a new holy trinity?_

_Graymoon74: EE! I was beginning to think you dissappeared because I was a jerk with my updates! Wasn't it an awesome movie though? I just loved it. I couldn't not write something for it. But by the way, I demand that you write more fics. Now. Go. Do it. …nnnow. _

_Redrose2310: Aww, thank you. I'm really surprised there aren't more. Everyone I talked to seemed to really like the movie. And rightly so._

_AngelGardian666: XD Oh yes, it's cumming along quite well. And skin tastes just lovely, by the by. :) Thanks!_

_Damion Starr: Yay! I only saw one other Saw slash, and it was discontinued, I guess. They got two or three chapters into it and stopped. :( I was sad. Thank you, though!_

_Gatekeeper: X) Happy sex is good. I'm glad that it made you feel better, even if it was only for a little bit. I hope it isn't anything major you're mulling over, and certainly that you feel much better soon. :)_

_Guh. Well. Rather mundane chapter. Will try and post next quickly._

_-_

Lawrence's eyes opened slowly as he felt movement next to him.

Where was he? It was still dark. This wasn't his home. No, oh, oh no, where was he? No, no, this couldn't be right, he had to be home, in his bed. No, Jigsaw was dead, this wasn't—this couldn't be…Wait now…He was on the wrong side of the bed and—

Adam's apartment! …Of course. He let out his breath in a relieved sigh as he pushed away his unecessary panic and narrowed his eyes into the blackness, trying to focus the images around him. Silly, stupid, that was all. He nearly laughed at himself, but the feeling was under his skin and the cackle from the darkness of the memory stole away any triviality in his fears. All the same, he was awake now, in Adam's apartment, not stuck back in the game. He could never go back there, surely. Yes.

But…why was he awake? His heart was racing, something must have jostled him. No, something _was_ wrong. He came to as much as he could for the moment and threw his gaze to the figure lying next to him. Adam was shaking terribly as though cowering under something that loomed over him, or like he was about to be violently ill. Lawrence instantly raised up next to him in confusion, observing the state of his partner numbly. Instinctively, his mind sought to find a medical solution to this confusion.

His lips were moving and he was making strange, choked murmurs, clutching his sides tightly with tears on his cheeks. Lawrence took a moment to comprehend this, his hand moving to Adam's side. _I-It's a nightmare…he's just having a nightmare._ He stuttered to himself. Acting quickly, he shook him by the shoulder, hoping to stop whatever phantom was in his head and snap him out of it. "Adam, Adam, wake up, come on." He ordered, leaning down and touching his face to both rouse him and wipe some of the moisture from his cheek.

Adam jolted hard out of his dream, a sharp gasp dropping from his chest quickly as he froze in his spot.

"Whoah, easy…" Lawrence approached cautiously, touching his shoulder. "What's the matter, you okay?"

Adam shivered and rubbed a hand over his face. "Shit…"

"Hey, come on, you alright?" Lawrence pushed, tightening his grip momentarily.

"Fine." Adam ground out as he pulled away, roughly wiping the tears off his face with an emotion close to anger. Anger for what, though, was unclear.

Lawrence retracted his hand and uneasily gazed over Adam, who was still shaking and breathing erraticlly. "…Adam, what was it…?"

"It's nothing." He breathed heavily.

"Adam…"

"Fuck, man, I _don't_ wanna talk about i—" his whispered statement was cut as he fought to surpress what seemed to be a sob.

Lawrence furrowed his brow in concern, pausing as he watched Adam once more retreat…He thought he could get him to open up by this point. But here he was pulling away again. He shook his head. "Then don't, just…just come here." Lawrence beckoned, moving slowly closer to him and placing one arm around his form in hopes that he wouldn't bite back. When he didn't pull away, he gained more confidence and trapped him in both arms hard against his body.

Adam stiffened from the embrace, obviously not wanting it, but having no will to protest. As soon as he felt the warmth sink into his skin, however, he immediately broke down into another fit of tremors and tears, allowing himself to be held closely and trying to steady his breathing in order to try and salvage his dignity.

"Calm down…just calm down…It happens to me too, okay? It gets stuck in my head too…" Lawrence rested his chin on Adam's shoulder as he attempted to console him.

Adam uttered something of a whimper and buried his face into a pillow.

"God, I…it's fine, you don't have to say it…I'm sorry." Lawrence moved his hands over Adam's body as if to try and contain his shivering. "I'm sorry."

Adam seemed to be biting his tongue, stifling the shaking in his nerves. "…Lawrence…" he started in an aching voice. "…this is never gonna leave me…"

"Yes it will." Lawrence assured, gruffly nuzzling his shoulder. "Okay? Trust me…It'll get better."

"I'll fucking lose my mind first." He growled back, a strangely aggressive sound for someone so weak at the moment. "I'm back in that room…"

"You're right here." He tightened his arms for a second as if to remind him. "It's okay, come on. You won't go crazy. I'd be surprised if you could put this all behind you already. I know that I haven't…Believe me, Adam, I've seen enough trauma cases to know. Nightmares are normal. I have them too. Like…well like in the hospital…" he cleared his throat. "You know. I mean I…was lying there, alone at night. I couldn't sleep most of the time, and when I could, I wished I couldn't. I'd wake up and I wouldn't even be home…"

There was a stretch of silence as Adam's shakes began to tame, regaining his composure as he pushed back stiffly against Lawrence's body. "You…still have them?" he eventually muttered.

"Yeah." Lawrence agreed. "Wake up and…my leg hurts…you know?"

"Uh-huh…" Adam nodded barely. He slowly turned his head a ways, his nose brushing Lawrence's cheek.

"So don't worry." Lawrence tilted his head a little and gently kissed him, suddenly with an intimacy between them they had not felt before. Thus far their kisses had been from only passion and lust, but this one was stranger—in a sense, loving. Adam's body loosened up some, the sensation a welcome relief as he pondered over the relatively new feeling of such innocent contact. He couldn't remember the last time he really wanted to kiss someone without the desire for it to end up as sex, or in gratitude thereafter. Save for kissing his mother's cheek. …But…that was different. Anyway, he didn't exactly enjoy that. This sort of made him feel like a sissy at the moment. But that didn't really matter right now.

Lawrence pulled off after a moment, kissing his cheek and his neck as he rested down once more against his shoulder. He tried not to let himself feel so sorry for Adam, or himself for that matter. They were past it, after all. Not over it, but at least past it. Still, he couldn't help a wallowing sentiment from slipping into his thoughts. He knew that Adam was mentally isolated, shutting himself in and hoping to pretend that nothing was wrong, and he also knew that he himself was a troubled, confused man who had only been further at loss from those horrible turn of events that had changed them. …Whatever the case, nothing mattered now. While here, he could stop Adam's emotional masochism with his own hands. While here, he didn't feel so confused about his more than slightly jumbled life. But if only he had known, as he empathetically lay soothing Adam from the scars of a dead killer that would haunt them forever, that Jigsaw's torture wasn't the only dillemma that was plauging his lover's nightmares.


	27. Opportunity Knocking

**Rebirth – Chapter 27: Opportunity Knocking**

_-Notes-_

_You: XD Well let's see now, techinically if you're hoping that Allison would walk in on them, that would mean that you want her to find out, and if you want her to find out, that means you want the affair not to be kept secretive and for those doing something wrong to be caught. So, theoretically, you want the right thing to be done, so doesn't that make you a good person?_

_AngelGardian666: Bears are notoriously callous. I'm sorry! Hermit crabs are affectionate. :)_

_Merry-2004: Omfg, you weren't the first to review this chapter:P Aw, I'm so flattered that you stuck onto this one. Even though I take forever to make a damn point in the story and I take forever just to update. Thank you!_

_Damion Starr: Don't cry! I have candies! XC Sorry my update wasn't all that soon!_

_Raz Gaiale! AH! The pressure! -bursts- Don't go insane! Yes, I figure I'll let them day dream for a while. Lawrence is good at pretending his problems aren't there, so I supposed that that's what he would do in this situation. But we all know it can't go on like that forever… ;D Thanks!_

_Pirategurl85: Guess what, I'm updating it:) Thank you!_

_Redrose2310: -military salute-_

_Thanks to all for being patient. Life is shit, updating is hard. Hope that y'all aren't getting bored. :) Have a nice day. And that's not a suggestion_

* * *

Adam let out a stressed huff as he shut the door behind him, tossing his keys out onto the table. Unfortunately, they missed and hit the floor. He'd just spent the accumulative amount of six hours (minus bathroom and food breaks) searching out jobs in convinient locations. At least, if that didn't count the one trip he took to a place roughly forty-five miles out. So that was the one outlier, the job he secretly hoped he wouldn't get, even if he would have taken any job. In any sense, things weren't looking all that great. As far as jobs went, he never had a real one. From age fifteen to twenty he worked at various fast-food joints, and from there, somehow this had spawned. He liked it at first—finally an opportunity to put his photography major to good use. Now he was ashamed of how stupid he'd been. Funny how it had only taken one day—not even a full day—to change his mind. Well…maybe not so much funny as…unnerving. 

He set some bags down that he'd gotten out at the store, just ciggarettes, and soda for Lawrence, who seemed to always be drinking one. If he expected him over tomorrow night, he'd better have the proper tools to seduce him. Though he didn't remember if he liked Coke or Pepsi, so he'd settled on Dr. Pepper.

Things were looking bad in the job department. No one wanted to hire an inexperienced loser whose only friend was a camera. It all made him feel useless, pathetic. Writing down 'Arby's' as his last legitimate reference was more than a little embarassing. Tomorrow, his rent was due. And after that, he was pretty much flat broke. The idea worried him, to say the very least. He didn't know what he would do, and he especially didn't know what he was supposed to tell Lawrence. Naturally he would try and help, but Adam couldn't take money from him. He'd already taken too much…he was already a damn burden. For Lawrence's sake, he knew he'd better find something quick.

Well, things couldn't be so bad. He tried to shrug it all off optimistically. Tomorrow he would pay his dues and go out looking for jobs again. At night he could forget about his problems for a little while and spend some time with Lawrence. Right. He just had to take it slow, not worry. He tossed the soda into the fridge and tapped out a ciggarette from the package, sticking it between his lips as he searched around for a lighter. He spotted it on a table, but before his hand met it, the phone rang, and instead he went for that. It occurred to him, as he did so, that he no longer feared what voice would be waiting for him on the other end of the line.

"Hello?" he muttered, struggling out of his jacket as he held the phone to his ear with a shoulder.

"Yes, hello, is this Adam?" came an unexpected voice. It sounded like some elderly fellow, a voice he didn't recognize.

"Yeah, I'm him, who's this?" he replied suspiciously.

"Hi, this is Charles Bastian, editor from Ryka Publishing. I'm calling because I heard something about a good photographer. To tell you the truth, I'm interested." Said the amicable voice.

Adam paused, for a moment stuck in confusion. There was an abnormally long stretch of silence before he cleared his throat, the ciggarette falling unnoticed from his lips to the floor. "Uh-wha, mm—" he stuttered, trying to clear his head. "Er, hi…"

"I'm…sorry, is this a bad time?"

"No," Adam managed. "Uh, I just wasn't really expecting…um…S-sorry, my photos? …Yeah, I…I take pictures." _Waita show of that college education._ He scolded mentally.

"Well then tell me a little bit about yourself." The man suggested. "What kind of experience do you have?"

Adam was still slightly taken back, rubbing the back of his head as he tried to scramble for an answer. "I-I…I majored in media arts and photography, uh…I sort of did some…investigatory work lately, nothing…proffessional." He bit his lip.

"Hm. Okay, that's fine. So…tell me about what you're doing now."

"Ah…I…looking for something else…?" he helplessly floundered, knowing how ridiculous he was sounding.

"I'll be honest, I'd like to see some of your work." The man said genuinely. "Have any kind of portfolio or something?"

"Only, like, twelve." He got out, glancing around his apartment quickly. "I mean, yeah, yeah."

"Great. Maybe you could get one ready to show me? How does…Friday, two-thirty work for you?"

"It, I, uh, yeah. Yes, of course."

"Let me give you and address."

"Right." Adam reached for a pad and pen, furiously scribbling down. "Uh-huh. Okay. 23455? North? Er-uh, South, okay…Okay yeah. Yeah, I'll be there. Thanks…Thank you." Slowly he pulled the phone away from his ear, setting it carefully down onto the reciever and gaping at it in awe. He stood numbly for a moment longer before a laugh escaped him, and he shook his head in disbelief. _Lawrence…_ he smiled, mind reaching back into the conversation they had shared that first night they saw each other out of the hospital…

_"A few years back I wrote an article for some magazine…I still have the sources somewhere. But I know a guy. Maybe I could…"_

Adam mused for a moment longer before wandering into the kitchen. …Now where were those old photographs? The nice ones…


	28. Some Kind of Eden

**Rebirth – Chapter 28: Some Kind of Eden**

_-Notes-_

_Redrose2310: UPDATE! Finally, right! Sorry!_

_Katie: I love you too!_

_Merry-2004: Oh, thank you! You really don't think it's losing it's interest? Dun worry, it's getting closer to uh…something or other—I'll get back to you on that one._

_Raz Gaiale: Saw 2! I hadn't heard. I'm sure Adam and Lawrence would be at least mentioned in a sequel. Guess that makes my fic a bit AU, huh? That's alright. As long as I entertained y'all for a while. :) Thanks!_

_You: XD You're dirty. I love it. Well, one would assume that Allison finds out about them eventually. …Or does she? Heheheh._

_AngelGardian666: OH GOD, I've given you crabs! I didn't mean to, I swear, uh, I have to go! _

_Pirategurl85: Sorry it wasn't so soon! But thanks very much, I try. :D_

* * *

"I—Gmrf!" Lawrence almost made a coherent statement before a pair of arms roughly grabbed at him, practically knocking him into the wall next to the door as Adam kissed him lustingly. The show of predatory sexuality made Lawrence forget completely whatever the hell he'd been meaning to say, trying to keep steady. Adam pulled back and chuckled silently, finding his way to Lawrence's neck and biting down slightly.

"W-wha—t's all this?" Lawrence breathed, his eyes falling shut for a moment as his hands went to Adam's hips.

"Like you don't know." Adam threw a mock fist into Lawrence's chest with a light pat, continuing to nibble near his throat.

"Ohhh, so…the uh…publishing company talked to you…? Th-that's what you mean?" he sighed, hoping he hadn't been overstepping his boundaries by referring him. He knew that Adam had protested it when he had brought it up before. But what else was he supposed to do, really? Whatever the case, it seemed like he'd sure done something right.

"Yeah, that and I've pretty much had this damn hard-on since you left." He grumbled deeply, taking Lawrence's hand coyly and placing it up against his crotch.

"Ah…huh…" Lawrence stammered as he felt the hard truth behind Adam's statement. "Wow..."

"You took forever to fuckin' get here." Adam slurred in a mixture of desire and mirth as he pushed up against the hand unintentionally and clenched his teeth.

"Traffic." Lawrence said simply, trusting his foot for a moment as he took Adam's face in his other hand and forced him back into a kiss.

Adam groaned throatily and tried to come back with an aggressive edge, but Lawrence was much better at plying a person into willful submission. Where Adam was dominating, Lawrence was gentle, and somehow that always did the trick. And he was so good with his hands…

"Take this to the bed?" Lawrence suggested between kisses, rubbing lightly with the hand between his partner's legs.

Adam gasped and nodded sharply.

Somehow, Adam was on his bed again, looking back up at his ceiling and feeling the near pain of his erection that was trapped behind rough jeans. The pressure quickly became worse as Lawrence came down on top of him, tongue roaming tongue as they continued their session. Neither of them knew what this was leading up to, as both had yet to even fully understand the complications of sex between them, but there was no hesitation in their actions all the same. Lawrence naturally sought to gratify Adam immediately, smoothing the shirt up off of his body to reveal his panting chest and skin that was waiting to be touched. He took in the sight of Adam's body for a moment, realizing then that, despite their previous encounters, he'd never really seen Adam as clotheless as he'd like to. He instantly was back down on him, hands exploring exposed skin as he caught his lips again with renewed wanting.

Adam writhed under the warm contact, pawing at Lawrence's chest in a haphazard attempt to remove his shirt as well. He managed to undo it enough to rake his fingers down into his pectoral region, driving out a shuddering moan that rippled through Adam's fingertips. Lawrence pulled off from the kiss and went to ravage Adam's neck, working his way down to his chest heatedly and making him strain for breath. He quickly made his way downward still to his stomach, hands working feverishly at the front of Adam's pants.

"Lawrence…" Adam heaved as his pants were undone. "N-no, don't…don't do that…"

Lawrence looked up through a haze of desire crossed by a mix of concern. Adam lay out before him in a more than arousing pose—no shirt, pants opened to suggestively reveal just a little of the hair that delved underneath his shorts from the line on his stomach, cheeks still red from the attention. He was poised up slightly on his elbows, looking down at Lawrence with uncertainty. "What is it?" Lawrence asked, placing a hand near his opened fly.

Adam shut his eyes for a second at the touch. "I mean I…I want you to be…" he struggled for a way to say what he was saying, battling his own feral lust for coherency.

"Just relax…" Lawrence pulled a little more on his pants, grazing his toungue just above the beginning of his still-constricted manhood.

"Lawrence!" Adam hissed as a stab of ecstasy ripped through his veins. "No, I…what I-I mean is that this…was supposed to be, you know, about _you_, man." He ground out huskily.

"…I've…never done this before either…" Lawrence swallowed deeply as he timidly licked at Adam's lower abdomen again. "I just wanted to try. You know, um…this."

"…No, you don't have to do that, I…" Adam shook his head, but a voice in the back of his mind was raging at him. _You like taking pretty pictures, I said fine, whatever. You decided you liked cock better than pussy, sure, great. But now you're denying a blow job? What the _fuck_ is wrong with you? Are you _officially_ a woman now? _He grimaced._ Besides…what else are you supposed to do at the moment?_

"Trust me?" Lawrence piped in, pushing three fingers into the rim of Adam's underwear.

"Yeah." Adam nodded. "Sure…but…"

"Look, I don't care, you can deal with me any way you want after, I just want to…Well you said it yourself, you need it…And…I like the way you taste." He added seductively and put a hand on Adam's stomach, successfully spurring him to lie back.

"Ohh…" Adam shivered in relief as Lawrence mercifully freed his pulsing arousal from his burdening pants, leaving him completely naked.

Lawrence began with a firm lick to the base of his erection, testing out to see what was best. He wanted to make Adam cum screaming for once…but he didn't want to rush into it. And he realized that he was rather lacking in experience when it came to this. Still, one simple lick sent Adam into another world. He groaned harder than Lawrence thought him capable of, the end of it coming out choked in a way that told perhaps he really had been in this state for as long as he'd said. He soon found that it didn't really matter how well he did, just that he did it, and fast. Every little touch from finger or from tongue produced incredible results, and soon Lawrence found the confidence to be more forceful.

"Lawrence…oh…shit…" Adam wheezed, trying to control his shudders. Release seemed so near, and yet somehow impossible to attain. He was beginning to feel close, and then the pressure would ease up, leaving him still in a state of discomfort and longing.

Lawrence took as much of Adam's length in as he dared, rubbing the end of his tongue knowingly underneath the head of it. The taste was the natural salt of skin and something different that was hard to place exactly, but he kept clean and so nothing really bothered him. It didn't seem nearly as awkward as he thought it would be, anyway. And Adam was making some sounds that he was permenantly filing away into his memory bank, determined to find out exactly what he had to do to hear them again. It ended in roughly five minutes, Lawrence lifting up as Adam ejaculated and finishing him up with a coaxing hand. He wasn't all that sure of himself, and didn't want to put a hold on anything if he choked. Maybe Adam had been a little braver in that aspect, but he was sure he would learn in time.

He watched Adam as he experienced the aftershocks of his orgasm, pondering for a moment about what had just gone on. Sure, the things they did together were great, but…wouldn't there have to come a time when they needed something more? …Sex. To be honest, the idea scared the hell out of him. Mostly because he just didn't know how. He'd never 'not known how' when it came to the human body, so he mulled over this discovery with great indignance. "Better?" Lawrence prodded, looking up and down Adam's body with an untamed arousal.

"Almost…" Adam replied in a pleased grumble, reaching out to unzip Lawrence's pants…

………………………………………………………………..

"I used to be afraid of flying. For a long time." Lawrence proclaimed, aimlessly tossing out a hand. "Can you imagine? Me. Great hotshot surgeon. Can't even get on a plane."

"We've all got our hangups, I guess." Adam said with a sort of nervous grin, prying a bottle of beer out of Lawrence's hand.

"Mm. Yeah. Hangups. Right." Lawrence nodded, then laughed. It was clear that he was beyond drunk at this point, and Adam couldn't figure why for the life of him. He knew that Lawrence wasn't exactly the drinking type, but for some reason, he'd really outdone himself tonight. They were just beginning to relax after their previous goings-on, but Lawrence had seemed somehow nervous or aggitated about something, and that's when he started drinking. After a while, Adam could only watch in amusement as Lawrence took bottle after bottle until the subject was lost entirely. Now, however, he was concerned that he had ingested an unhealthy amount of alcohol.

"I bet I could fly a plane." Lawrence snorted distantly. "I mean, do you know how easy it really is? Any idiot could. Hell, any idiot doesn't need to. The pilot's for show. Just in case something goes wrong…otherwise…damn plane just flies itself."

"You know what, we'll go downtown tomorrow and get you a liscence, okay?" Adam cracked, pushing a few empty bottles to the side. "No more drinks tonight."

"You think I'm drunk." He jabbed a finger into Adam's shoulder as he approached where Lawrence sat on the couch.

"Great diagnosis, Doc." Adam leaned down over him, staring down into his eyes to try and judge just how coherent he was.

"Well I'm not. I've been drunker." Lawrence stated primly. "A _lot_ drunker."

"Mm hm." Adam rolled his eyes briefly and sort of stradled Lawrence's legs, hugging him. "Right, and you talk about airplanes all the time."

"I was just making conversation." Lawrence decided, blinking heavily. "Besides, you know that pilots are overpaid…"

"So are doctors." Adam retorted.

"Well…at least I don't have to wear the little wings when I work…"

"…Shh, shut up man." Adam half-chuckled, craning Lawrence's head back and running his fingers through his hair in sympathy for the massive hangover he was undoubtedly going to have. "Mellow out, you got a lot in you."

"Are you coming on to me?" came the sarcastic response.

"Oh yeah, man, you're so hot when you're hammered and spouting bullshit."

"Great. Pass me another beer and I can get a whole lot hotter."

"No no no, you're gonna be face down in the toilet tomorrow as it is." Adam reminded, gauging Lawrence's tone and movement to guess when he would pass out. "And fuck if I'm cleaning that up."

Lawrence's arms raised up to embrace him tightly, a sudden shift in emotion brought up from inhebriation. "M'sorry…"

"It's okay, I was just…Hm." Adam shook his head, deciding it not the best time to try and explain anything. Lawrence was only really comprehending things in two word format at the moment.

"No, I shouldn't've drank so much, I'm sorry." He was suddenly repenting, and Adam couldn't help but laugh a little at his awful mood swings. He must have almost never drank to react so poorly to it.

"Go to sleep, it's alright. Just crash here, okay? You're gonna have a bitch of a headache."

"I-I just mess things up sometimes…that's all…I'm sorry, it's just that I mess things…up…" Lawrence muttered.

"Hey, would you cool it?" Adam patted his cheek gruffly. "Don't tell me you're a sobbing drunk. Come on, you'll sleep it off and feel a lot better."

"…Yeah." Lawrence nodded, eyes closing for a moment. There was a stretch of hazy silence for a while as Adam watched him, absently wandering off into thought. "Adam?" his voice spoke up suddenly.

"Yeah man?" Adam sighed softly.

Lawrence's eyes opened slightly and he studied Adam's face for a minute in contemplation. "…I should get home."

Adam bit down on his tongue, trying to guess what he should do with that. He couldn't let Lawrence go home, not like this. He couldn't even stand up, let alone drive. But he really should go home, his wife and kid were…For not the first time, he felt a cold surge of guilt in his stomach. "I…can't let you do that. Look, I know you might not get this right now, but your blitzed, okay? I can't let you go anywhere."

"Mmm…No, it'll be okay…can't…I can't stay here tonight." Lawrence furrowed his brow.

"I know, buddy, I know…" Adam sighed nervously. "But…you have to. Trust me. Come on, haven't I trusted you, Doc?"

Lawrence looked up at him, his understanding of the situation ambiguous. "You're such a handsome guy." He decided on.

"That…" Adam's shoulders dropped. "N-no, Lawrence, I'm trying to…ah, fuck it."

"Fuck what?"

"It, okay?" Adam pushed off of him a litte so that he was more or less sitting next to him. "Just lie back or something before you make yourself puke."

"…Look, I know I'm drunk. But I've gotta get home. Allison'll bite my head off…" Lawrence sat up a little and put a hand to his surely spinning head. "Sorry 'bout all this…"

Adam sighed deeply, looking away as they sat in a moment of dreary silence. "Yeah. Whatever." He uttered eventually. He honestly hadn't meant for that much bitterness to come out in his tone, but even so, Lawrence didn't quite register it. There was another pause between them, and Adam started once more to think the things he tried at all times to ignore. But they couldn't be ignored. Adam couldn't get over the slight inner revulsion at the fact that the same hand Lawrence used to touch him intimately was the hand that sported his wedding ring. They avoided the subject so well. "Lawrence…" Adam took in a breath.

Lawrence caught the tone, even through his drunkeness, and looked over. "Something wrong?"

"…It's just…" …he quickly felt a rush of heat in his face and his heart thumped wildly. Naturally, he just couldn't bring up the words… he settled for reaching out and touching Lawrence's upper arm slightly, deciding to change subjects. Chickening out. Of course. How could he have expected anything better from himself? "Please…listen…You scare me, okay? You wanna hear it? I don't want you to drive when you're fucking plastered—you should know better."

Lawrence nodded, then shook his head. "Yeah, but I…I won't…I mean I know not to uh…"

"Please." Adam swallowed and studied Lawrence hopefully.

Lawrence slowly fell back against the couch, heaving a silent sigh. "If you're worried. 'Kay. I'll…find another…excuse."

Something of a victory cheer broke out in Adam's head, but who he won against was beyond him. It seemed like a sick sort of triumph. "Good." He nodded numbly.

Lawrence lazily leaned up against him, reaching his arms over Adam's body and resting his head onto his shoulder in a clumsy plea for affection. Adam lifted his arm and welcomed the gesture, looking down at him.

"Don't die on me." Adam muttered good-naturedly.

"Die? No. You're _Adam_…the life of man begins with you…or something."

Adam laughed aloud. "_God_ you're drunk!" he ruffled at Lawrence's hair for a second.

"Yeah…" came the muddled reply as he lay against him.

"Great. So I'm Adam—and you're Eve?" Adam prodded.

"N…I'm…Steve." Lawrence said, provoking another chorus of cackles from the man next to him.

"Okay. Adam and Steve. Whatever, man." Adam sighed, leaning his head back over the couch tiredly. Lawrence went off for a moment into incoherent mutters of nonsense that Adam paid little mind to before predictably, he had slowly passed out. He absently stroked over the top of Lawrence's head for a while as he thought dismally to himself, watching the clock ahead of him. _Tomorrow we can pretend he's not married. We can pretend that he doesn't have a home to go back to, that he doesn't have a life more important than this. More important than me. Tomorrow we can be dillusional. …But… what am I supposed to do when that ends? _


	29. A Habitual Lie

**Rebirth – Chapter 29: A Habitual Lie**

_Sorry guys, have less and less time these days._

* * *

Adam sat up as he thumbed over a page, studying a particular arrangement of photos. One that he was sure was not of proffessional standards. It was a magazine he had seen while out at the store that day, when he just so happened to discover a section with the name Ryka Publishing on them. It couldn't hurt to do a little research on this company, if he intended to work for them at least. He wondered if he could go online and maybe find the article that Lawrence had mentioned writing, but he felt as though that was looking into a part of the man's life where he did not belong. Hell…he didn't belong in it now. But to the point at hand, he was beginning to feel optimistic about this interview, thinking that surely he had better examples of nature in his portfolio than this rudimentary junk.

Adam tossed the magazine onto a pre-existing pile with a light sigh, looking around his apartement wonderously. It had been a few days since he'd last seen Lawrence, though they had talked on the phone more than men may under normal circumstances. Lawrence had actually had the courage to mention something that Adam was now seriously contemplating. That subject was of course the strange barrier that restricted their passions to a grave degree. That was, of course, sex. The simple idea of it made Adam shift uncomfortably. He knew the vague lines of what that would involve, as would anyone, but the fact remained that he did not fully understand. For the most part, he was sure that Lawrence new more than he did, but knowing and doing were two very different things.

In either case, Adam didn't quite like talking about it on the phone. He tried to remain serious about it, but he found it hard to stay on the subject, as strange as it was. Towards the end, they'd made some progress, but decided it better to deal with this kind of thing in person. That was what tomorrow night would be about, he supposed. Naturally it made the day pass very slowly for him. Not being able to see him for two straight (no intended pun) days was wearing on him also, only postponing the awkward factor of their relationship that had not yet been covered. The first thing Adam had thought was 'buy condoms', but the idea had embarassed him so much that he honestly felt like a virgin again. Which, in a figuritive sense, he was. Anyway, he supposed there was nothing to be embarassed about…he'd bought condoms a thousand times before and never thought a thing of it. But this time he was buying condoms for…something slightly different. He shouldn't worry—after all, it wasn't as though they knew what he was buying them for. And so what if they did? He grumbled and glanced at the box of Trojans that sat on his nightstand.

He never thought something could make him so horny and so disturbed at the same time. _Mellow out, you dumb fuck._ Said his mind. _I think it's safe to say you're past the point of no return with this whole homosexual thing._ He rolled off the bed casually in his sexual musings as he heard the phone from across the room. That was probably Lawrence, calling to confirm. He happily picked it up and chirped a hello, awaiting an answer.

"…Hi…Uh, Adam?" came a female voice from the other end.

…He didn't recognize it. It must have been a secretary from Ryka or something. He almost unconsciously looked around for his cigarettes. "Yeah, Adam, at your service." He said. "Who's this?"

"Er…" the was a long pause and Adam furrowed his brow.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, sorry." She answered apologetically. "Hi Adam, this is Allison."

Adam hesitated, searching his mind. "Allison…hi…um, look, sorry, I don't really remember—"

"Allison Gordon. Sorry, Larry's wife?" she tried.

Adam froze.

"…I-I didn't freak you out or anything, did I?" she sounded a little worried at that point, and he knew he should say something. Anything.

"Nah, 'course not! H-heya, how's Larry?" _…G'job, dumbass._ His brain congratulated.

"Well, he's fine, I guess." She seemed to be biting her lip, and he felt a cold sweat forming on his neck. "I acutally wanted to see how _you_ were…"

"Me?" Adam blanched. His nerves and confusion rattled his voice slightly.

"It's just that, well, from what Larry's been telling me…you've sort of been having trouble. And I know you helped him out, so we owe it to you. Our hospitality anyway. I was just starting to worry…"

"Yeah, it's…I'm okay. Thank you." He swallowed hard and clutched the phone in his hand harder, a tremendous torment eating away at his stomach. Oh God, she was asking him how he was. She was concerned about _him_, this guy she didn't even know. The guy who was practically fucking her husband…He hiccuped slightly at the churning acid in his gut.

"Great." She replied sincerely. But there was something more pressing in her tone.

Adam just had to push, even as sick as he felt. "What…what about you? …You okay?" It seemed like such a casual conversation, maybe between two people who knew one another.

"What, me? Yeah. Yeah, I'm great. I mean things are pretty good…considering." She cleared her throat.

Adam felt a chill. "C-considering what?" he asked nervously.

Another bout of silence made him squirm. "Well…I just meant…after what happened and everything…"

"Oh. Right." Adam swallowed. "And Diana?"

Allison seemed both pleased and troubled at that. "She's doing fine. She asks about you sometimes, you know."

"Really?" Adam felt like a fourteen-year-old kid who had just been caught drunk driving, a burly armed officer baring down at him and the guilt of what he'd done making wild excuses in his head as he tried to get one out. At least, that was the only personal experience his mind could compare this feeling to. He should not be talking to this woman… "Well…tell her I said hey, I guess…"

"Sure." Came the answer.

Adam tapped his foot in a jittering motion, panicking through the silence as another pause ensued. Where was Lawrence? Did he know she was calling him? Did he tell her, did she know, was she just—

"Can I…ask you something?" her tone was suddenly darker, and Adam could feel his heart in his throat.

"Yeah." Cooly, as though he wasn't shaking at the moment.

"Is Larry…well I mean, h-has Larry…God, I don't even know how to say this." She trailed off a moment.

"What is it?" he couldn't help his voice from cracking.

"Has he really been…coming over to your place?"

Adam stopped, mind going blank as he tried to understand her words.

When he didn't answer, Allison continued frantically. "I mean, it's not that I don't trust him, it's really not. I-I, it's not that I really think it. I don't even know why I…" she calmed down after a second and continued. "It's that he's…he's never home. He's always going out like he's got somewhere better to be. Maybe even…another woman. Oh God, I don't know. He's still around, I mean he still plays with Diana and she doesn't complain, I…I just…I think it's me sometimes…"

Adam groaned internally. She was pouring her guts out to him, and he knew that he was the cause of all of these problems. What was he supposed to say? 'Sorry, I guess I didn't think about any of that when he was sucking my—'

"I don't know, Adam, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to unload all of this on you. It's not your problem…" He winced. "But I don't know who else to turn to for answers…He says that he's just been going over to your place, nowhere else. Please…Please tell me that's true…? I just…I just don't know what else to do."

Adam closed his eyes as let out a pained sigh, swallowing again deeply as he fought for what to say. She was asking him for the truth. She…well she didn't say anything about the whole truth. "…Yeah. Yeah, hey, it's okay. As far as I know…he's just been with me…"

It almost seemed like a tearful chuckle from the other end. "…Yeah. I know. I mean, I should know this by now…I accused him of cheating on me before. What else could I do, he was never around…How could I do this again? It has to be me…He seems so happy—he has some new outlook on life. But he still pushes me away. It just must be me…"

"Allison—"

"No, it's fine." She cleared her throat. "I just have to stop blaming him for all this…Listen to me, I sound like some raving lunatic, huh?"

"No…" he answered quietly.

"Well I am. I'm just being crazy. …Look, I shouldn't've called, I'm sorry. This must really put you in a weird position."

_You have no idea._ Adam thought with a murmur. "It's okay. Really." His fear had tamed down some now that he realized she suspected him of nothing. How selfish that seemed. "He seems…happy, though?"

"I can't figure out... It's nuts, he-he wasn't really the smiling type before. I mean he did, it was just…he always looked distant. Now suddenly he's like a-a…a puppy on crack or something. At least that's what it seems like. This whole incedent-" there was that word again, "-this whole…_thing_…really changed him…I don't know, I-I'm just being stupid…Maybe I should just accept that he's happy. And be happy too."

Adam nodded slowly, conflicted. "Yeah…"

"I've gotta go. I'm sorry about this…" with a click, the voice was gone, leaving Adam confused and shaken as he set the phone down. It was all wrong. He was coming inbetween a marriage, he was seeing someone behind someone else's back, he was in a relationship he had no right being in…

…but…Lawrence was happy.

…What else could he do…?


	30. Research

**Rebirth – Chapter 30: Research**

_Same old jazz, yadda yadda yadda, thank you all so much for sticking, sorry about the slowness. Much love_

_- MH

* * *

_

Lawrence winced as his chair groaned, leaning back slightly as he bit down on a finger and stared into the computer screen intently. He hadn't meant to uncover so much pornography, but when given the subject, he supposed it was impossible to avoid. All he wanted was to find something helpful to his situation, something that could tell him exactly how he was supposed to go about this strange new act of sex that he felt himselg edging towards. He kept telling himself that it really wasn't all that different—that sex was sex and the feelings and emotions were all the same…but it was still different. Adam was no woman, and things with him were…definitely not the same. Sure, Lawrence knew the basics. Anybody did. But he felt more than worried just diving right into it. Admittedly, however, he felt like a complete idiot looking for sex tips on the internet.

He rubbed the side of his face with an uncomfortable murmur as he read a couple of lines from some help site, swallowing deeply as he pictured himself doing something of the nature. It seemed so bizarre. And these pictures he was coming across were only adding to his nervous state. At first he found them foreign and shocking, but…the more he looked, the more he wanted to keep looking…Biting his thumb, he read down a couple more lines and wondered how Adam would react to something like this. Would he be horrified? Surely he would understand if Lawrence took it to him gently. Explained a little about the anatomy of the process, let him know what he planned to do and assure him that it would feel good. It was of course worth the try. He was fairly sure that Adam wanted this too.

"Hey Larry?"

Lawrence jumped at the sound of Allison's voice, and he immediately exited the files he'd been reading over with the utmost humiliation. He held a hand over his forehead as she appeared at the door of his office, trying to surpress a blush of embarassment and turning to meet her. "Hey!" he croaked.

She glanced around his office and leaned up agaisnt the door frame, crossing her arms as she sighed. "Just wanted to come see what you were up to is all."

"Oh. Not much." He said, rubbing under his chin. _Aside from looking at pictures of naked men all day?_ "You?"

"I was gonna take Diana to the store with me. Unless you want her tonight." She replied.

"I…made plans tonight." He said apologetically. "Tomorrow, I'll spend the whole day with her. Tell her that, huh?"

"Sounds good, maybe then I can take a trip to the gym." She nodded. "…Can I ask where you're off to tonight?"

"Just…Adam's." he said honestly. Well she didn't ask what for. He was still in the clear, right?

Allison smiled slightly and looked down. "Okay. Just curious."

"You need me to stop somewhere or something?" he offered, hoping that she would decline.

"Nah, don't worry about it. I mean I'm going to the store as it is. I'll see you." She waved a hand as she stepped out.

"Bye." He responded, watching as she departed. He sighed and put his head down against one hand, feeling again the odd sense of invasion that he seemed to feel now whenever she was near. …It wasn't fair. She'd never done anything wrong, he shouldn't be resenting her. All she ever did was be kind to him, raise his daughter, support him. He should be doing everything for her. He should…well shouldn't he be in love with her for all of that? It wasn't as though he disliked her. But even so, he couldn't help feeling a pulse of exasperation when she was in the room. How was he going to handle this marriage when the very idea of it made him cringe? His own marriage, for God's sake.

_What are you talking about?_ Said something incredulous within him. _This isn't a marriage and you know it. You know it, she knows it, Adam could probably take a wild guess at it, and soon, Diana will know it too. It's a sham._

_Well what am I supposed to do about that?_ He retaliated. _It might've been a mistake, but I made it. And now I have responsibilities._

_If you believed that, you wouldn't be seeing Adam in the first place. And living with Allison wouldn't upset you so much. You know you can't go on like this. It's not fair—to anyone. _

_I can't get a divorce. I can't._ He bowed his head in shame for his own cowardice. _What would be my reason?_

_You have plenty. _

_I can't. No. I can't do that to Diana. _

_And what's better? That she lives with seperated parents in a loving, sensible atmosphere, or that she lives under the weight of a marriage with two people who hate each other without knowing why?_

_She won't understand._

_Sometimes that doesn't matter._

_She's only eight years old! Allison doesn't have a job, what am I supposed to do—leave them out on the streets?_

_You'll pay child support and more, you can afford that. You're not leaving them, you're leaving a bad relationship._

_It's too risky. I…I can't wind up with my daughter hating me._

_She won't hate you. Is that what you really think? Why would she hate you? You know it's the right thing to do. You know that you'll go crazy sitting in this house. If you leave, maybe you could have so god damn respect for yourself… Or will you go on lying? Lying to Allison, and to Diana? Do you care that your wife might think you're still in love with her? …And…do you really want things to go back to being the way they were?_

Lawrence froze in his spot, horror striking him momentarily. No. God no, he couldn't go back to that. Not to the way things were.

_Does Adam not mean enough to you to get the guts to tell her? He won't stand for it either, you know. You'll lose him. _

Lawrence shook his head, pulling at his hair in idle thought. Oh no. No, no, Adam was the one that brought him out of his zombification, if Adam left…he would never be the same.

_Then don't be a coward. _

_I can't ask her._

_It's her or him._

_I can't chose!_

_You can't have both._

_I'm so confused…_

_You know what you have to do._

_I don't have the courage._

_Then you don't deserve to be happy._

He knocked his head down onto the surface of his desk with a groan. He couldn't do it. He couldn't possibly be expected to do it. But eventually…he would have to make some sort of choice. That terrified him. Of course he wanted Adam, but he felt that it was something so self-centered that he should get to be with a person he cared for while Allison was left relatively alone. She would despise him, and he might not feel much better about himself. He'd known enough people with divorced parents to know…there was always a rift. There was always a resentment. Either optioned promise some does of misery. But how could he stay married…? How could he…pretend?

_Don't think about it now._ Said a slightly more sympathetic part of him. _Adam's probably waiting for you…maybe you can find the courage in him to do it. Get a dose of inspiration or something._

_And if you can't, well—you're fucked._


	31. Things Made Official

**Rebirth – Chapter 31: Things Made Official**

_Don't kill me, I know it's late! Thanks very much for kind reviews—and I'm especially excited to hear that some of you will be writing with this couple also? Anyway, still in a crunch, but luckily still wrting, or my brain would rupture. Longer chapter, so at least it's something to occupy y'all for now. Thanks again, you guys make it worthwhile.

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"Missed you." Was the first thing Lawrence said as he saw Adam standing in the doorway, and he never meant it more.

Adam stuttered for a second and nodded, not having expected to hear something so hearfelt. "Yeah, uh…come on in…" he stepped back and watched him enter. …There was something different about Lawrence. He had a pronounced limp, but… "Where's the crutch, man?" he asked curiously.

"Don't need it. It doesn't hurt anymore, not enough anyway. Come here." Lawrence caught him in a brief kiss.

"Mmf-" Adam replied, eager to talk once Lawrence pulled off. "Well uh, I mean that it's good to see you."

"I know what you mean. Look, Adam, I'm really sorry about the other night. And how I left that morning…" Lawrence apologized, holding out a hand slightly in a wayward gesture.

Adam grinned and looked down. "I dunno, it really wasn't so bad." He was of course referring to an extremely hungover Lawrence two days prior. Adam had let him sleep on the couch that night after he drank himself stupid, and sure enough, at six in the morning, he had been up vomitting like an insecure super model. He had done his best to make it easy for him. Asprin, water, coffee. Kept the lights off, spoke as quiet as he could. But nothing healed a hangover aside from time, and through the whole thing, Lawrence had been choking wild apologies and self-curses. Adam had just been trying not to laugh at him, his chuckles only kept at bay for his sympathy. "And I told you man, it's okay. You suffered a hell of a lot more than I did."

"It was irresponsible." Lawrence insisted.

"I know, you happened to mention that a couple hundred times. If you're looking for forgiveness or something, Lawrence, then whatever, I forgive you." Adam assured with a shrug.

Lawrence shook his head and smirked. "Well I owe you."

"No you don't." Adam replied, eyes cast down. "You don't owe me anything."

_You don't know how wrong you are._ Lawrence thought as he reached out a hand to rub Adam's upper arm fondly. "Hey. So…you wanna talk?" he asked quietly.

"…That's what we're here for, right?" Adam nodded, looking over at the hand that was touching him.

……………………………………………………………………………

The conversation between them was relatively placid. Adam sat cross-legged on the bed as he listened to Lawrence carefully, blushing like mad at some points and trying to hide his nerves. They were both on edge for a while, but eventually they had fallen into a more eased mood, wherein there were a few quiet laughs, some scant touches and only a few awkward moments. Most of the tension had been broken, and Lawrence was now trying to at least get them to relax into a more ready state.

"See you're prepared." Lawrence laughed barely as he eyed the condoms sitting out on the nightstand.

"Uh heh…" Adam nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sure… Not your brand or what?"

"Mm. Condoms are condoms." He uttered, gently rubbing a hand on Adam's knee. "As long as you're comfortable."

Adam looked down at the hand and cleared his throat, ignoring yet another blush creeping up on him. "Should we…I don't know, start?" he gave a funny sort of look as he said that.

"There's no rush." Lawrence said, taking his healing hand carefully between his own and looking over the casted finger. "Whenever you feel ready."

"Okay. Sure." Adam nodded again, still looking down.

Lawrence waited for a moment. "How you been holding up?"

Adam offered his bruised hand willingly. " 'Bout the same." He said, still shying a little.

Lawrence daringly put a hand on Adam's right ankle, lifting up the leg of his pants a ways to see the crushed mark along the skin from where he'd been…cuffed… Shock seemed to spark in Adam, and Lawrence quickly covered the scar with his hand as though he'd revealed something that should not be seen. Something cold and disturbing had suddenly settled between them. Lawrence was instantly met with the image of that room. Struggling at their chains, screaming back and forth, bleeding, pained. How he had been so certain that Allison and Diana were in grave peril—dead even. The feeling…the feeling of the saw's teeth raking through his skin and bone, as he sat, willingly tearing off his own foot. The blood. And _God_, the pain. How he had to pick up that gun…How Adam begged him in a tone, so betrayed, not to kill him. He didn't want to kill him. He couldn't. And oh fuck, if he actually _had _with that shot…How could Adam have ever thanked him for taking that risk?

Adam. Who had saved him. Despite having been, as he felt it, betrayed. Adam breaking down, losing his mind, bleeding, trapped, confused. And Lawrence crawling away hopelessly, unknowingly leaving Adam with that _thing_. The hand that touched Adam's ankle presently trembled. He had wanted to protect him then. That was all he wanted now. Even when he was safe, it seemed. To at least protect him from the memory, though he knew it impossible. And for the first time, he felt a surge of disappointment growing in him at Jigsaw's death. He wished he could have been there. To see him struggling for breath. To watch the hands that had hurt him and Adam so grasp out in vain for a fleeting life. To see him _suffer_ for those scars he gave them, inside and out…

…But then he wouldn't be much better than the killer. He would be just as bad if he sank to that level, so the sayers say, wouldn't he? Wasn't it sick to get a buzz off of watching a man die? As a doctor, and as a convincingly sane man, he couldn't justify that. …But being better really didn't mean much to him right now. Not when he was touching Adam's pained scar. Not when he thought about the nightmares and the inner torment, for both him and Adam. Or what that _monster_ threatened to do to his daughter. Sure. Being better was nice. But it wasn't enough.

The memory cast over a veil of numbness for a long while, but Lawrence was determined not to let any of that get to him. He didn't want there to be things between them acting as a reminder of that. Even though the scars served as direct windows to the 'incident' that had brought them together. This wasn't supposed to be about what had happened. It was supposed to be about what was going to happen now.

He purposefully touched over it, watching Adam's reaction as he did so with guarded caution. "Sorry. Does that hurt?" he asked lightly.

"It's fine." Adam returned mechanically, letting out a breath. It was uncertain exactly what Adam was thinking about this. After a long moment of silence, Adam tenatively reached a hand down to Lawrence's leg as if in retaliation, biting his lip. His eyes fell onto the previously severed foot.

Lawrence shifted his leg out a little and Adam placed a hand on the ankle with a grimace. The memory of the saw made Adam feel sick to his stomach, he could barely fathom what Lawrence must have felt. He looked at the bandage still wrapped around the scar and touched the top of the foot with the tips of his fingers. "It still hurts…huh?" he said quietly. He didn't want to remember right now, but how could he not? He would always remember what Lawrence had done for him.

"It's gonna hurt for a long time." Lawrence said truthfully. He could barely feel the light touch, but that was to say he could at least feel it a little. All the same, Adam looked put off. "It's okay." Lawrence argued, placing a hand quickly over Adam's.

"I…know." Adam sat back again and chewed his tongue for a second. "I know, it's just…when I think about it…"

"Yeah, I know." Lawrence agreed without explanation. He was glad that Adam was opening a little. Maybe it was just better to talk about these things. Then maybe it wouldn't seem so bad. Something that they each had to experience in their own heads alone. But this conversation, while possibly beneficial, was not on the right track they were headed down. The tension again cooled down between them and Lawrence spoke up. "When's your interview?" he asked conversationally.

"Friday." Adam answered thoughtfully, moving his hands to Lawrence's lap a little and touching at his belt as he said this. Clearly he was interested in keeping them on the intended path as well. "I uh…I don't know if I ever said thanks for that."

Lawrence looked down curiously as Adam slowly unhooked his belt. "I think you did." He disagreed. "You don't seem to remember that ambush the other night."

Adam smirked and drew the belt away, tossing it the the floor with a light thump. He met Lawrence's eyes for a second and cleared his throat. "Just…getting it out of the way." He said with a shrug.

"Well I know you'll be good for it. The job, that is." Lawrence decided confidently.

"How would you know? You've never even seen any of my stuff. My portfolio stuff, anyway." Adam sighed as Lawrence's hands drew up to touch his knees.

"Yeah? And whose fault is that?" he accused.

Adam looked away for a long while, seeming to be absorbed with a chair across the room. "Okay man. If you really wanna see my stuff…you deserve to. There's no reason you shouldn't…" he nodded slightly. "Remind me later. 'Kay?"

"Sure thing." He crept his hands up to Adam's side, fingers touching his waist. "Can I…take off your shirt?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah." Adam allowed. Lawrence slowly pulled up the end of his shirt, and with a little effort from both of them, he removed it and tossed it aside.

Lawrence unabashedly stared at Adam's body, putting a hand up against his chest to feel around the expanse of his skin. "…Would it ruin the mood if I said you were hot?"

Adam snorted, looking down as Lawrence's hands felt over his front with a little nervousness. He was annoyed that he did in fact want Lawrence's approval so much. But the compliment mixed with the touching made him flush excitedly. He willingly leaned forward as Lawrence went to kiss him, his eyes falling shut and a sigh dropping from his lungs. Lawrence cupped Adam's face in his hands and pressed forward more assertively, resituating his legs a little as he rose. He broke off and went down to kiss his neck. Adam opened his eyes. "…Would it ruin the mood if I said you were making me hard?"

"Ohh, that just adds to it." Lawrence said, and they both laughed lightly for a moment as he came down and pushed Adam to his back on the bed, leaning over him and continuing to fawn over his skin. Adam submitted for the time being, parting his legs as Lawrence pushed down on top of him and hoping that he knew where he was going with this.

Lawrence slowly massaged his hands over Adam's chest, which played a large part in the forming lump that he could feel against his leg at the moment. It felt nice to see Adam comforted under his touch, and though he doubted it possible, he thought that perhaps for just an hour or so…he could make him forget about the pain. And himself, for that matter. He kissed his neck and collar bone tenderly, drawing out a sigh before he moved his hand up to one of his shoulders. He stilled quickly, however, as Adam tensed, and he relaized that he had put the hand on his wounded arm. He pulled up a little and looked at Adam with immense apology, scanning his eyes in hopes that the thought hadn't been that disquieting.

"It's okay…" Adam said, biting his lip once more in uneasiness. "Don't gimme that look…it's…it's okay. K-keep going…"

"…I'm not…er, this isn't too fast?" Lawrence ensured, brushing a hand over the scar lightly.

"You tell me. I-I have no fucking clue." Adam shrugged.

"Okay." Lawrence laughed a little and began another kiss, licking lightly along Adam's lower lip before delving into him hungrily. They both got caught up in it heavily, Adam raising his hands to clutch at Lawrence's neck while his fingers reached a short ways under the collar of his shirt. He was overtaken by a vehement need to feel Lawrence's skin against his own, and he quickly began his efforts to do as much. Lawrence shifted to accommodate Adam's wandering hands as they pulled at his clothes, but was mostly unwilling to compromise the contact between their lips for even a moment.

Adam managed to open his shirt, but could get no further the way he was trapped with the kiss. He kneaded his hands into Lawrence's shoulders wantingly, battling his tongue back with restrained ardor. For a short while, their actions became pure lust, all inspired by a raw sort of sexuality that their gender was gloriously infamous for. Through the touching and kissing and rubbing up against each other, however, something more persistant than just that was holding Lawrence back somewhat as he picked up on Adam's sighs and moans. The sensation of the hands groping at his chest and back brought him down to the task at hand, and he pressed a knee between Adam's legs to nudge them open sufficiently. Adam pushed up against the leg presented to him instinctively, letting loose a shaking moan as he pulled away from the kiss.

Lawrence looked down at him with a small smile, pushing his leg a little more tightly against Adam's groin and hearing him gasp at it.

"Jesus, ohhhh, man…" Adam fought for words, looking up through eyes hazed by lust. "C-come on…man, I need you to start this before it's…over…you know?" he glanced down at himself with a nervous sort of grin.

"Right." Lawrence nodded in an apologetic manner, moving down to nuzzle against Adam's stomach briefly before opening his pants and starting to slip them off.

Adam lay back and closed his eyes, calming himself as he arched his back a little and bent his knees to aid in the removing of his pants and boxers. The air around his nude skin felt cool and tingling, which made the heat radiating off his partner arouse him all the more. "You gonna strip for me, Lawrence?" he murmured coyly, eying up at him.

"Huh…" Lawrence began in a sort of daze, trying to find some decent words as his eyes travelled Adam's body over.

"Hey, man, this really isn't gonna work out with your clothes on." Adam sat up a little with an impatient mutter, hand falling to rest suggestively on Lawrence's stomach.

"…So take 'em off…" Lawrence purred back as he put a hand to Adam's face, kissing at the side of his cheek and down to his neck.

Adam went to work gladly, unzipping Lawrence's pants fast and dipping a hand down into his underwear to grasp him. He felt Lawrence still for a second, almost coughing out his breath as he trembled on the next kiss to his throat. He was trying to pretend that the touch didn't effect him so much, but Adam's friendly hand was more than enough to distract him.

"H-hey…hey…ah…" Lawrence took hold of Adam's wrist and pulled him back, a dizzy smile on his face. "Trust me, that's as stiff as it gets."

Adam laughed and withdrew his hand, pulling down at his pants and pushing off at his shirt all at once. After a little bit of work, garments were dealt with, lying scattered around the bed in mild dissaray as they continued to explore each other timorously.

"Lie back, okay?" Lawrence hesitantly placed a hand at Adam's shoulder, making sure for a moment that he wasn't touching the scarred one.

Adam looked to him with a flushed expression, obviously worried about things to transpire. Nevertheless, he did as Lawrence asked, leaning down again so that he was staring up at the ceiling once more. Letting out a breath, he rubbed his forehead in wary anticipation.

"So…" Lawrence swallowed and stroked over his hip.

"Go ahead, just…you know…do what you need to do." Adam shrugged.

"Alright. Um, look, Adam, if…" there was a long pause before he continued. "Well…tell me when to stop. If you want. It's okay."

"Yeah…sure." Adam agreed. He could scarely imagine a reason to tell him to stop, but then he didn't know what it was supposed to feel like. Lawrence had said it would hurt a little, that it would be uncomfortable for a while, but he never specified to what degree or for how long. The fact that neither of them had ever done this was bitching on his nerves.

Lawrence broke out into a bit of a nervous tremor, thinking for a second about something he wasn't so sure he'd spoken of. "Adam, I wonder if uh…do you have some kind of…lotion, or, u-hh, damn, you know…"

"What?" Adam turned red and sank back, confused.

"For when you—" he cleared his throat. "take care of yourself…um…something to make it easier?"

"Why do you need…?"

"It just helps."

Adam put a hand over his face as he blushed deeply, nodding. "Y-yeah."

"Good." Lawrence moved forward, leaning over Adam to take the container where he gestured near the bed, convineintly located for the time being. "So, how often does this get used?" he grinned and ruffled over Adam's hair in sympathy for his apparent embarassment as he sat back up.

"Enough." Adam replied, still staring up at the ceiling.

Lawrence steadied himself and took a handful of the substance, tossing the container aside and tenatively applying the hand to his skin. He began with gripping Adam's somewhat waning erection, bringing out a sharp reaction as Adam tensed and uttered a vocal sigh.

Adam shook from the intensity of the throbbing between his legs, the smooth strokes made easier by the substance that covered him. He'd touched himself casually many times with the same aid, but another helping hand always made a world of difference. He closed his eyes painfully as Lawrence slowed off, gently brushing over him before the contact stopped and moved down to caress his inner leg. "Okay. I don't want to freak you out."

"You won't." Adam assured, bracing himself for what he was sure would be pain.

Lawrence eased a hand over Adam's member once more before biting down on his tongue and pushing his fingers slowly up against him.

Adam cringed and gasped as he felt the foreign contact, his legs shaking a little in what he wouldn't call pain, but was very odd all the same. The inward motion made him tense once more, keeping himself relatively still only with considerable effort.

"Does that hurt?" Lawrence asked in worry. "How does it feel?" he cautiously drew back his hand and pushed forward again, invoking an only slightly calmer reaction.

"Weird." Was all Adam could say, grimacing at the touch.

"Bad weird?"

Adam chuckled silently, which encouraged Lawrence to repeat the action. "Just…weird."

"Alright well relax." Lawrence suggested, gaining a little more courage with his movements after a period of no complaints. "You've gotta stop tensing like that…you'll just make it tough. Calm down, relax…There's nothing to worry about."

Adam nodded and pushed out a long breath, twitching every now and then, but forcing himself to stay still and get used to it. He'd never felt anything like this, and he began to wonder. Armed with the knowledge Lawrence had given him, he was aware that the desired point of stimulus was his prostate…but he wondered how exactly that could feel good. He rather surmised that it would only feel like a jab to his insides, something he didn't exactly anticipate with enthusiasm. Well it must feel nice, anyway. People did this every day, right? Why would they do it if it wasn't fun?

"Still uncomfortable?" Lawrence prodded again, curious by Adam's silence.

"It's okay." Adam admitted. The feeling of alien touches had subsided, and he was beginning to get a little more familiar with the sensation each time he was stroked.

"Good." Lawrence said once more as he continued his ministrations. He moved carefully, but with a purpose in mind. Pushing in with a little more force, he arched the joint of his fingers and looked up inquisitively for Adam's reaction.

Adam suddenly barked out a choking gasp, his back stiffening and sheet of blindness engulfing him where he lay spasming from the unexpected stab of heat and excitement. "Ohh—_oh_! Whoah!" he cried out in shock, eyes widening as he struggled to push himself back from the edges of a pre-mature climax.

Lawrence leaned down over him to kiss his chest and quiet him as he continued to pump slowly. "Didn't mean to spring that on you." He apologized in a mutter, but he was distracted by the thought of the pitch in Adam's cry.

"Ah…Oh…_God_, whaat—" Adam's previous doubts were shattered, his body fast coming down from the tingle and craving to be stroked again as he grasped for words.

Lawrence smiled shyly as he gave Adam a few moments to recover. He'd been familiar with the process a thousand times before. Sometimes patients would require aid when there was request for a sperm sample, or something of the more techinical nature, and naturally he would ask a nurse to help with the problem. This was the easiest and fastest way, after all. But he himself had never experienced it, and he never even considered using this sort of knowledge outside the office. He had barely touched as lightly as he could over Adam, and even that had sent him yelping from the feel of it. This only further intrigued him. "How does it feel now?" he queried as he quickened the pace of his hand a little.

"Good, good…keep going…" Adam replied, making his muscles relax again. He winced once more, however, as he felt another finger added to the process. Still, it was a slow and patient administering, and so he lay back and accepted it with trusting submission. He raised one hand to stroke the arm that Lawrence was using to support himself while leaning over, trying to reciprocate in some manner.

Lawrence responded by kissing his chest a little more, licking his tongue over sensitive areas and making him shiver as he tried to settle more comfortably under the touches. They lay in silence for a long while of just that; the gentle movements continuing and the whole scene feeling more natural by the minute. Soon, Adam was calmed, the touching having gone from strange to…rather nice. Every time he felt it, he clenched his teeth in case he should feel something he wasn't ready for. It was only after a long while that Lawrence bent his hand a little and brushed over the deepest part of him again, causing him to yell out with a sharp note that only came from either extreme pain, or pleasure that was close to it.

"You think you feel ready?" Lawrence asked huskily, revelling in Adam's uncontrolable shakes.

"Whatever you want, anything, I-I don't…Yeah. Yeah, do what you need." Adam dizzily craned his head back and clenched his eyes shut, battling the shock of the sensation once more and awaiting Lawrence's next actions.

Lawrence took his hand away and braced himself with both arms up as he continued to lean over and kiss Adam's throat and face. Adam opened his eyes and looked around to reach an arm up towards his nightstand, fumbling for a condom and taking one down to tear the package open with his teeth. Fixing at the packaging for a second longer, he tossed it and felt his hand downwards.

Lawrence sighed when his felt the hand touching him, the momentary coldness of the plastic making him shift in discomfort. The hot tingle soon returned, however, and he was more than ready to begin. "Remember to relax…I'll go slow." He uttered, nervously placing one hand to still Adam's hip.

Adam felt a small surge of panic as his homosexual virginity lay dangling on the edge of the line, but he didn't act upon it. This was what they were working towards, after all, he knew that. But he couldn't help thinking that just maybe this was what a woman must feel like. Oh fuck, that was the last think he wanted to be thinking… Great. Just great. His muscles turned frigid as he felt a sudden pressure.

Being as careful as possible, Lawrence pushed forward, barely at all but certainly enough to feel. Adam made some sort of distressed grunt, a hand clutching to his partner's arm. Lawrence offered the arm for him to grip if needed, moving inward still.

Adam pushed back as hard as he could at his urge to tense, not overwhelmed by pain, but quite aware that a small amount of it was present. He was met by many different feelings, some that contradicted one another, though he knew enough not to move. Everything felt foreign. Not necessarily bad, but undeniably foreign. It was all new, and suddenly he was thrown back into a world of inexperience, forced to pick up from scratch and start over by means he was not familiar with. The possibility that sex would never be the same again was not lost on him. He was either thrilled or disconcerted, now was not the time to decide.

Lawrence fought in a world of his own at the moment, met with the new sensation and a dose of lightheadedness accompanying it. In a breif glimpse of coherencey, he saw a collections of thoughts held up in the logical part of his mind. A part of him that was saying… 'maybe you _did_ sort of feel unsatisfied in bed before. Maybe you _were_ always this way. And you honestly were too busy to realize it.' Sure, sex had always been great before—how could it not be? He just…never imagined it could feel better. "Am I…hurting you…?" was the only thing he could muster as he stilled and waited for a response. Looking down for a moment, he was disturbed to find a little blood, but as worried as it got him, he knew this to be natural.

Adam stopped biting down on his tongue and let his eyes flicker worriedly up towards his lover. "It's…not so bad. Really." He swallowed and calmed slightly once the motions ceased.

Lawrence pushed in a little further and winced as Adam grimaced. "Sorry." He muttered habitually, but it felt strange. He'd never apologized to someone for making love to them. He closed his eyes and bowed his head down as he pulled back out a ways, then proceeded a short distance back into him. After a few more times, the signs of Adam's discomfort began to fade completely. His tight grip relaxed and his ragged breathing became more steady, the same sense that had initially been discomfort turning into warmth. Eventually, between slow strokes and deep breaths, confusion had gone, and the whole act suddenly made undeniable sense. Adam only meant to loose a light sigh, but was surprised when a low moan took its place.

Lawrence looked equally taken back, pausing for just a brief moment before continuing. "Was that a good sign?" he asked as he slowed.

"Good as any..." Adam agreed, the muscles of his lower back clenching a little to meet the next stroke with want. When he felt Lawrence push back into him, there was an unmistakeable reaction of enjoyment as his hips jerked.

Lawrence clenched his eyes shut for a second and opened them slowly, trekking a hand down over Adam's stomach before touching him between the legs to revive his erection a little. At that, things fell into place as though this scene was common for the both of them. It almost seemed funny to think that just moments ago it had made them shakey just to talk about it, when now it came so easily.

Adam met Lawrence's thrusts rather timidly at first, but when he felt a single burning stroke crash into the one spot inside of him that destroyed all inhibitions, he was inclined to respond with everything he had. He cried out multiple times, and soon Lawrence was moaning alongside him. Their pace made a steep incline, Lawrence moving to brace himself better with his thrusts and Adam helpless to do anything but quite appreciate his role on the receiving end. One hand still tended Adam's engorged erection with firm pumps and clutches, making his body scrabble in confusion as to whether it wanted to buck upwards or push down to meet the contact the touched him within. "Lawrence…!" Adam groaned out, gripping hard at his shoulders, but letting the hold soften carefully.

Lawrence answered back with a murmur that may have been anything from Adam's name to just some profession of his gratitude, but it sounded good to Adam all the same. Lawrence was trying to keep at least a small part of him aware as he pushed in, such as trying not to break the condom or being too rough on Adam, but it was nearly impossible not to fall victim to what his body demanded. Anyway, it didn't seem like his partner was complaining any. Needless to say, it didn't take long for them to meet what they were working for.

Adam choked out a series of loud, whimpering moans as the sensation of a fullfilling orgasm tore through his muscles. His whole body tensed and spasmed with a kind of release he'd never experienced before, one that came from stimulation both inside and out. He was shivering and cumming in long wet streaks over his chest, a good amount of it spilling down over Lawrence's hand and the sheets beneath them. Lawrence himself could only take a small moment to be impressed before he felt the familiar pressure in his lower body, very nearly toppling over with the hot eruption in the pit of his stomach. The compression of Adam's willing body milked him of his essence in its entirity, leaving him dizzy and mildy disoriented from the feeling. The aftershock stretched far and long over him, pleasant vibrations coursing through the veins of his body as he kept at it with slower strokes.

"Oh, oh man…" Adam muttered brokenly to himself, blinking away the shrowd on his vision.

"Jesus…" Lawrence gave a slight whispering rasp and pulled out slowly, making a bit of another mess as his own cum followed suit. He guided Adam's legs into a more resting position and lay down over his partner's form, trying to recover his breath. There was understandably a long moment after that of silence, save for heavy breathing and what sounded like muffled yelling from someone upstairs. Lawrence had to bite back a laugh. "You okay?" he asked as he looked up at Adam.

Adam was still dazed and high, but he nodded as he processed the question. "Great…"

"So how was it then?" Lawrence continued to prod, rubbing Adam's stomach idly.

Adam gave him a look and glanced at the vast mess of their passions, a substance that was beginning to grow cold on his body. "Well…a hell of a lot better than they make it out to be." he decided.

Lawrence chuckled. "Who's they?"

"I don't know…anyone who's never…done it before."

"Fair enough." Lawrence shook his head, looking at Adam with a sigh. "Here…let me clean you up. Stuff's a bitch when it dries, huh?"


	32. Photo Op

**Rebirth – Chapter 32: Photo Op **

_Ahhhh! Oh my, well I came here to update this story thinking full and well that I'd already posted this chapter! Realizing that it's been that much longer since my last update, I apologize immensely. _

_So, this chapter's slow…but I promise things'll pick up again.

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"It doesn't still hurt, does it?" Lawrence asked tenatively as he glanced over Adam's slight wincing.

"Don't worry about it." Adam replied as he wiped at the sheets a little with the towel before tossing it aside. "Just kinda sore is all." He lifted the sheets and went to lie next to Lawrence, running a hand over his face that was still lined with sweat from their previous act.

Seeing that Adam didn't appear to be any more bothered than he'd admitted, Lawrence cleared his throat. "So then…I guess the question is…would you wanna do it again?"

"What, you mean like now?" Adam sat up a little to look at him. "You write yourself a perscription for Viagra or what?"

Lawrence laughed. "Jesus, no, not like now!"

Adam snorted and scratched at his chest in thought as he looked over across the room. "You kiddin' me? …What else m'I gonna do with the rest of those?" he gestured to the box of condoms on the nightstand with a head toss.

"You're creative, I'm sure you could find something." Lawrence decided.

"Something less messy." Adam agreed.

"Well you're the one that made that disaster anyway." Lawrence felt the still damp sheets and smirked.

Adam blushed just faintly, but looked away to hide it. "Hey, you squeezed it outta me. That was clearly your fault."

"You're right—next time we'll just have sex in the shower, huh?"

"That could be fun."

"So you like it wet."

"I don't like trying to get cum out of sheets, so yeah, sure."

"I'd like to have you up against a wall."

"You sweet-talker, you." Adam mocked and looked towards the shower as though truly contemplating.

"Alright, if that's not wild enough for you, you are a photographer..." Lawerence gave a cheeky grin. "You could make yourself a whole internet site with the things that go on between these sheets."

"Oh no, no no no." Adam protested instantly, laughing a little and rubbing the back of his head. "The last thing I need are incriminating photos floating around. My mom would have field day…" Adam suddenly tensed, as though just remembering something. His parents. Fuck, what would they think if they found this out? What would he say? 'Hey Dad, guess what we don't have in common anymore?' and 'How you doin' Mom? I'm sleeping with a married man!'. Damn.

"Aw come on, I've gotta have _something_ to put in my wallet." Lawrence insisted.

Adam pointed to the condoms and Lawrence laughed.

"You never know when you might need 'em." Said Adam. With that, he leaned over and groped down into the condom box, pulling out a handful and tossing them down at Lawrence's pants.

"I'll only ever use them here." Lawrence replied with an amused grin.

Adam shrugged and leaned over Lawrence's body again, reaching towards the nightstand languidly.

Lawrence looked around to see what he was after, playfully running his fingers over Adam's back. To his dismay, he saw him reaching out for a pack of cigarettes… Before Adam could take them, Lawrence snatched them up in his own hand, studying them over as though he'd never seen them before. Adam looked to him with a curious expression that clearly wanted explanation. "I uh…" Lawrence began, fumbling with the package in his hand. "Just hypothetically...I wonder if…well if I asked you to quit these…do you…think you might?" he kept his eyes focused on the carton, not daring to cross Adam's features. But he had to look up when he received no response.

Adam looked at him with an expression that was impossible to judge, his hand resting on Lawrence's chest in a frozen state where it had previously been reaching. He drummed his fingers once over his skin and slowly reached out the hand once more, plucking the cigarette package from Lawrence's hand and looking down at it. With a breif hesitation, he crushed it in his hand and tossed it away where it landed near the towel on the floor, heaving a sigh and collapsing down onto Lawrence. Lawrence smiled and put a hand on Adam's head, embracing him with the other arm tightly. _Thank you…_he thought contentedly.


	33. The Client

**Rebirth – Chapter 33: The Client**

_IMPORTANT: This fic is not being removed—it's just jumping over to the brand new shiney SAW section! Whohoo! The next update, this fic will no longer be under misc, in case anyone would be confused. That being said, I love the hell out of you all.

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Previously Adam had been unaware of where he was in his state of unconsciousness. He had been set in the state closest to bliss that anyone knows—in which one is simply sleeping without concern for a world that, in this state, one cannot comphrehend. Just a comforting, dark warmth that promised to cradle him until morning, but had not been able to live up to its word. Adam jerked up with a hand wobbly bracing himself, a loud pounding resonating through his ears as though someone was tapping directly on his head. "W-wha th'fuck's…?" he slurred in confusion as one of his feet found the floor. Beside him, Lawrence was stirring, disturbed from his rest when Adam moved so quickly from his arms.

Stumbling up, Adam put a hand to his buzzing head and grumbled, listening intently to realize that the pounding was coming from his door…Fumbling around, he found a pair of boxers and clumsily pulled them on. They slipped off a little as he went forward, and he nearly tripped pulling them back up. He caught the clock reading three-thirty one, but through his tiredness, he didn't even consider this visitor's avidness to be an oddity. It was only once he got to the door that he began to wonder just who the hell was pounding on it. His hand stopped at the handle and he paused, brow furrowing. Just who _was_ coming up to his apartment at three in the damn morning? He certainly hoped it was someone with the wrong room number.

"Open the fuckin' door, Adam!" came a deep growl from the other side. Shit. So much for that theory. Adam fidgeted with the chain determinedly and swung the door open, squinting in discomfort from the light that poured in on him.

Before him was a figure that stood a fair bit taller than himself, dark hair and a somewhat broad build that he was obviously trying to use in his favor the way he leered over Adam. There was a cut on his forehead and blood on his shirt, like maybe he'd taken a fall or something. Adam could only stare in wonder at the man, eyes still unfocused and body still numb from where it protested use in such an early hour. After a few brief moments of staring, he blinked hard, eyes meeting the other's in recognition. "…Eric?" he croaked, voice husky from hours of dormancy.

"Well look who's home." Snapped Eric, leaning a little into the door frame and making Adam straighten up. "Look who's fucking home after all, after all the _fucking_ times I called!"

"Jesus, man, this really couldn't wait until morning?" Adam rubbed his face vigorously.

"It _is_ morning when you haven't slept in two days." He snorted, baring his teeth at Adam. At that point, he could smell the heavy thickness of alcohol. "Where the hell were you last week you dick? Huh?"

Adam narrowed his eyes. "…I had some things to take care of. My own business, okay? I'm sorry."

"Sorry. Yeah!" Eric laughed outright, but it was angry. "I'll bet you're sorry!"

"W-well what is it?" Adam stammered, still confused. "God, what's so urgent?"

Eric wiped a hand gruffly over his mouth and grunted. " 'Just call me tomorrow, man!' that's what you said you lying little prick! 'Sure man, just call me tomorrow and I'll track her! Even give you a cheap rate!' Yeah, you're sorry. Fuck you, fuck your sorry ass!"

"Dude—_what_ is your issue?" Adam responded irritably. "Something came up. It was an emergency, I…couldn't get out of it. Would you cool it, I mean _hell_!"

"What was so damn important? Funny how you look abso-fucking-lutely fine to me!" Eric demanded.

Adam adjusted his stance and shook his head. The bastard. Eric couldn't see the scar on his ankle, or his shoulder. He didn't know about the nightmares. "Like I said, it was my own business. Why are you here? Couldn't you have just hired someone else?"

"I might've you son of a bitch." Eric sneered back. "You wanna know what happened? Huh? Huh? S'that it?" he jabbed Adam in the chest with a finger.

"You're pounding on my damn door at the ass crack before dawn—yeah, it might be nice to know what the fuck is going on."

"I was right, you know." Eric wavered on a foot before finding his balance properly and leaning heavily to one side on the door frame. "Alex was fucking sleeping around on me! I caught the bitch red-handed. I walk in and she's royally servicing this-" he held up a wild gesture with his hand. " 'Enrico' fucker—yeah, guess what? Not even the original guy I thought that she was sleeping around with!…that bitch. That bitch! I give her two months of 'marriage' and she's already cramming the closest cock to her?" Suddenly Eric was raging to himself, beating a hand against the wall absently with each frenzied snarl. "She lives in _my_ house, she spends _my_ money, and before I can turn around she's got her lips wrapped around some goddamn Latino twink's balls? Bullshit!"

Adam shook his head. "That sucks, man…But—"

"All this time she was playing me like a jackass. I should've thrown the stupid whore out when I first s'pected she was fuckin' 'round…" his dark eyes bore hatefully into Adam like lances. "But you woulda _fuckin' known_ that if you woulda held up to your word, you asshole! If you would've done the _job_!"

Adam didn't understand how such a high level of trust had been put in him for this task. It wasn't as though he swore his life to it, he had only said to call and they could talk about it. And Eric had only known him for roughly a night, not enough to form such a brotherly bond that he would actually feel betrayed simply because Adam hadn't returned his phone calls. Clearly Eric was unbalanced. Even in sobriety he came off as a violent person, and in his current state, Adam was beginning to feel threatened. "You're drunk, shithead, go home." He spat daringly.

"Yeah?" Eric leaned in closer, glaring at Adam furiously. "Drunk enough to do what, huh? How drunk do you think I am? Drunk enough to go a little nuts? Huh? To pound the living shit out of some little asswipe who stabbed me in the back?"

"What's going on?" Adam stiffened and glanced quickly over as Lawrence approached them from behind, haphazardly dressed in boxers and a T-shirt as he entered the scene bewildered. He looked from Eric to Adam curiously.

Eric was frozen in what looked to be shock as he stared blankly at Lawrence for a moment, mouth opening slightly and eyebrows knitting and relaxing systematically. After a sufficient absorbing, he scoffed and curled a lip, heatedly meeting Lawrence's eyes with a challenging mutter. "What the fuck is this?" his eyes flashed to Adam. "Another client, or your boyfriend?" he chuckled in disgust, and Adam tensed with anger.

Lawrence gaped at Eric in confusion, quickly becoming defensive. "And who are you?"

"None of your goddamn business." Eric answered, but an ugly smirk crossed his face where he stood, looking at Adam again. "So you're a fag, huh? So this is what was so fucking important you couldn't pick up the phone? Because you were getting' your queer ass plowed? Classic!" he laughed drunkenly, but it was easy to see he was reaching a boiling point. "I couldn't've guessed better myself."

"So why don't you fuck off, huh?" Adam returned woundedly. "Your wife was screwing around—congratulations. Most people end up waiting months and paying loads to find that out, you got yours for free. Consider yourself lucky."

Eric's hand clawed at the frame irately. "What did you say?"

"_Fuck off_." Adam repeated.

"No one tells me to fuck off!" he clenched his fists and loomed over, but with Lawrence standing there, he stopped himself at a certain distance. "Especially not some lying little fruit-queer…fag!"

"Well unless you want a 'fag' to beat your head into the wall, you'll piss off like he says." Lawrence said darkly with the underlyings of a growl.

Adam was sure he saw Eric gawk for just a second and hesitate as though he was going to step off, but for the most part, he held his ground. His face was red and he was seething, and there was tense air for the moment where he was unsure what he would do. In a sudden move, however, Eric fell back a few feet, cursing loudly and throwing a hand out at them. "Fuck you! Fucking backstabbing prick!" with that, he spun off, dragging himself back down the hall from which he came.

Lawrence backed away as Adam stepped back, nearly slamming the door as he stood rubbing his temples and flipping on the light. "Lousy fucker…" he said through clenched teeth.

"Who the hell was that?" Lawrence asked, still taken back.

Adam struggled for words, heaving a deep sigh and holding a hand to his forehead. "Remember before? In the hospital? When I…said that job op fell through? Well…that was him." He swallowed and cleared his throat. "I met him the night before…before _it_. He called me while I was uh…while I was gone. Wanted me to take pictures of his wife. Just a usual gig."

"And you didn't do it?" Lawrence prodded further.

"No." Adam shook his head.

"Why not?"

"Do you remember where the fuck I was that night?" he growled back. "You were there too, you know!"

Lawrence paused, staring at Adam with regret. "I…I'm sorry, Adam, I didn't—I wasn't thinking."

"Well I—" he started, but realized his tone was so much angrier than he meant it. He started again calmer. "I-I didn't mean to say it like…that…damn it…" he bowed his head down and shivered, rubbing an arm that shared his trembles.

"I was just worried, is all." Lawrence murmured, scratching the back of his neck.

"_You_ were worried?" Adam held up his hands in frustration. "Breaking down my door at three a.m…do you have any fucking clue who I thought that could've been? L-Look, man, does your wife e-even know you're here tonight?" Adam was aware he was starting to ramble now, but his nerves were already on edge.

Lawrence straightened up. "What? You mean…you thought that might've been her?" he paused, then shook his head. "Yeah, she knows I'm here. I'm not that coniving. At least…well…at least I don't think…Er, Adam, why would you think that, anyway?"

There was a stoney silence between them, Adam suddenly speechless. He didn't know what to say. The only thing he could do was tell him the truth, but…oh god, this just had to be brought up eventually…didn't it? He looked down and closed his eyes, sighing. "Allison called me yesterday."

Adam already anticipated the long, dead stillness, Lawrence numbed with confusion as the words sank in. He shifted momentarily between horror and confusion before grasping for a response. "…Oh…Adam, I…" he shook his head and bit down on his lip. "I didn't know…I never would've thought she…When…? I-I mean why?"

Adam felt a sick sensation in his stomach and stilled his shudders as he gripped an arm nervously. With a bitter, miserable smirk, he muttered his reply. "…She asked me if you were having an affair."

Lawrence suddenly was sharing Adam's ill feeling, gaping at him incredulously. There was an unexpected spark of anger in him as he saw the look on Adam's face. How could she have done this? How could she have called him, didn't she think that would be crossing the line? She didn't even know him. But he forced the anger back, disgusted with himself for having the nerve to be upset with her that way. And a wave of guilt struggled over him. This was his fault. All of it. He couldn't possibly blame her. "What did you say…?" he helplessly questioned.

"I said…I said that there wasn't another woman. I mean, that's what she thought…she dropped it there." He relayed, eyes fixed to the floor as though he regretted having admitted this.

Lawrence felt a deep sense of shame at that moment, and his inner conflict made him shift awkwardly between self-hatred and a personal wailing angst. He looked to Adam apprehensively to see that he appeared no better off. "Adam, I'm sorry, I never—" he went forward to touch him, but was dismayed when he jerked away from the hand.

Adam didn't look up as he did so, biting his tongue as Allison's words tumbled through his head. This was just…wrong, wasn't it? It was so wrong. She still didn't know, and they were still having an affair. How in the hell had he ended up this way? Breaking up marriages? Ruining lives? …_It's what you've always been doing, isn't it Adam? Except this time…this time, instead of taking a picture, you're putting a personal hand in it, aren't you?_ "It's fucked up…" he uttered, a mix of his confused emotions and his desperation to break the current tension.

"Yeah. I know." Lawrence agreed. "Adam…I don't know what you must think of me right now…"

"What do you mean?" he asked lightly. But he knew what he meant.

"I look like a…jerk." Lawrence looked down at his hand and sighed. With one humorless chuckle that was almost a groan, he corrected himself. "…I _am_ a jerk."

Adam looked up, unhappy to see Lawrence's despair where he stood with an expression of dreary ponder. "…No, hey, Lawr, you're not…" he protested feebly.

Lawrence said nothing, and Adam watched him uncomfortably. They suddenly felt so distant. Lawrence was in his own head now, contemplating his own life, the one that Adam wasn't in. He hated it. Part of him was jealous, resentful that Lawrence had a separate life from this, one wherein he mattered and was needed. All Adam had…_was_ Lawrence. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel. "It's…almost four." He heard himself say, eyes on Lawrence's figure. "Let's just go back to bed…huh?"

Lawrence brought his eyes back to Adam with a somewhat forced smile. "Uhr…Sure. Okay."

Adam wanted desperately to embrace him as he turned away, but something at this point was cruelly holding him back. With one last pained sigh, he flipped off the light and followed him back to bed.


	34. Muddled Aftermath

**Rebirth – Chapter 34: Muddled Aftermath**

_Thanks for the comments—love for you all. Sorry about the delay, I promise I'll try and pump the next chapter up in a few days_.

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Sometimes the silence in this apartment threatened to choke him to death.

It was just the next day that Adam was already beginning to feel incredibly nervous. He and Lawrence…had slept together. They'd consumated their affair, they'd officially become adulterers…or whatever. He didn't know what to call them. Nothing nice anyway. One day and already he was completely panic stricken. They had taken the last step in a romantic relationship, so now what was supposed to happen? What had he been thinking, anyway? That they could just forget about his marriage? He didn't know what Lawrence wanted…He didn't even know what _he_ wanted. _Oh what the hell's the big deal?_ Crooned an impatient part of him. _You're having a good time…just let it be that._

_And it's just that easy?_ Adam snarled back, hanging limply at the end of his worn nerves.

_Yes._

_No. It's not. Don't you get that? I…it's more than that now. Or…or it's always been more—I don't know. I can't do this, I'm not one of those guys…_

_Well if not, you're a perfect candidate._

Adam rubbed a hand over his head as he idly paced about, trying to battle down his edginess. God, he needed a cigarrette. But…well. _I don't even know where the hell I am anymore. Candidate for what? What does this make me? His mistress? His fucking pool boy? His whore, what? What am I?_

_Maybe that depends. What's he to you?_

He had to hesitate for a second, chewing on his lip. _What's he to me?…fuck…I don't know. He's a…friend?_

_A friend you just happen to have sex with._

_Well damnit, I don't know! He_ is _a friend. My only friend…_

_Sure. Wow you're petty. You know that? He's everything to you, and you're just pissed because you're not everything to him. _

_Fuck you. And fuck that, he's not everything._

_Just everything that counts. _

_I have my career._

_Which so far has only gotten you…here._

_My parents, my family._

_Who never talk to you, who never write, who probably don't give a damn. Next you'll be saying you have your friends, but then you'll just be contradicting yourself. _

_I'm not petty. I'm not jealous. I don't care, he can do whatever he wants. How can I judge him?_

_You can't. You don't have the right to, anyway. …But you want to. You can't say that you don't want to. He's everything you've ever hated. _

_But now, so am I. And it's my fault. I made him that way—I made_ us _that way._ Adam leaned his head against his arms, which was raised up rested against the pane of his window as he looked out onto the dismal streets.

_You pretend that you're blaming yourself, but you know that deep down, you're blaming him. He was fine before you came along, you know. He had a kid, who probably misses him while he's out fucking you. A clueless wife who probably jumps to care for him, who wonders why her husband's always gone. You're so self-centered—you want him to leave that for _you

_I never asked him to._

_Then what are you complaining about? What you have with him now is the best you're gonna get. When it ends, it ends, don't think about it._

_How can I not think about it? And Christ, how can I just let it…end? After all we went through together, I just thought…_

_You are a girl. I knew it. What do you want, do you want him to ditch his wife and live with you happily ever after? ' After all you went through', that's bullshit. You've known him less than a month, imagine how long he's known his wife and kid. Imagine all _they've_ gone through together. But no. All you care about is you._

_So fine. I admit it, I-I want to be with him. Excuse me for having a goddamn heart._

_Is that what you call it? Wow. You don't give a damn about Lawrence's feelings, or his family, or if you break them up, or if he regrets it when it's all done. Yeah, some heart._

_Well it's not just me!_ Adam clenched his eyes shut and banged his head on a proverbial wall in his mind. _If he wanted to be with his wife, why would he be with me at all?_

_You see? I told you you blamed him. You can bitch about it all you want, but the fact is, if he was going to choose you, he would've done it. He's just a letch, like all the others you've hounded out before him. He's looking for a good time, and so are you. And if you want it to stop, you'd better break it off before he does. Save what shred of dignity you might still have. _

_Well if he wants to end it…he'll end it._

_You're pathetic._

_I want him to be happy—I owe him at least that much._

_Try doing what's best for him, then. _

_How can I say it would—_ Adam halted in his mental debate as the sharp knock on his door pulled him away. His heart thudded deeply in his chest, but he quickly recovered and shakily went to answer it. For once, he hoped it wasn't Lawrence. His head was too muddled right now, he couldn't think straight…

He carefully opened the door a crack, in light of what happened the night before. He couldn't see who it was. "…Who is it?" he rasped into the hallway, heaving a sigh. He froze, however, as an almost forgotten, but certainly familiar voice found him from the other side of the door.

"Hello Adam."


	35. Loose Stitches

**Rebirth – Chapter 35: Loose Stitches**

_So, a few side notes. Fic is still in production as planned, time still evades me. And more importantly, if you're into Adam Lawrence stuff, you should definitely hook up at, _h t t p / w w w . livejournal . c o m / chainshipping _It's good fun. Do it!_

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Lawrence yawned and looked into the fridge, staring at a carton of orange juice for what seemed to be the hundredth time that morning. When had he made it into the kitchen, anyway? And what was he looking for? Grumbling, he took the orange juice from the shelf and shut the door, turning to find a glass. Still on medical leave, and stuck at a home he didn't want to be in, life moved on around him at a slow trudge. Diana was at school, and as aforementioned, conversation between Allison and himself had somewhat dwindled. So that left him, the fridge, and the T.V. But he wasn't all that interested in what was on, and he wasn't that hungry. There was no denying that he would have rather been with Adam, but if he spent any more time over there than he already did, anyone could've suspected he was doing something he shouldn't be.

Part of him was exasperated at that. He was doing something wrong, wasn't he? He knew he was, it was just…he felt right with Adam. Even though he knew it was wrong. That made him feel somehow worse.

In any case, he didn't have the time to contemplate how right or how wrong it was. Another couple of weeks and he would be going back to work. Things would go back to the way they were, only this time, he really would be cheating. That was, arrogantly assuming that Adam would put up with it for that long. In truth, he wasn't sure he wanted Adam to put up with it. He didn't want Adam to lie and cheat because of him…It wasn't Adam's fault, Adam didn't do any of this. For God's sake, Lawrence was the one that started with that kiss, wasn't he? Or their first sexual encounter? But Lawrence couldn't bare the thought of leaving Adam alone where he'd found him; a drab career in a cluttered apartment with no friends or family. That only left him the choice of leaving Allison…but the idea absolutely mortified him. Every time he looked at her, all he could think was _she doesn't deserve this…_ And it was true. She didn't. Which left him screwed, he supposed.

How could you tell a women you've been married to for the better part of a decade that you couldn't be with her anymore? How could you tell anyone that you just weren't in love with them? It seemed like such an awful thing to say, even if it was true. What would she say? What could she possibly say to that? "I don't love you. I need a divorce." Eight words was all he needed, and eight words had never been harder to say. Exactly what dinner conversation was he supposed to work that into?

But he knew he better say it at some point. You can't be gay and married to someone who's not. Things just didn't work that way.

"Larry?" Allison's voice interrupted his thoughts as she came into the kitchen.

It was then that he looked at her, and for the hundredth time, thought…_tell her…just tell her. She's right there…_

"Uh, Larry…?" she said again, blinking down repeatedly at his hands.

Lawrence looked down to find orange juice drizzling off the counter, the glass only half full. "Oh!" he jumped a little in shock and his wife went to grab a towel.

"Something on your mind?" she chuckled slightly as she handed it to him.

"Yeah, I—well I guess I just spaced out there for a minute." _Are you even listening, do you realize what she just asked you!_ He bowed his head and began wiping up the stream of orange juice leaking down the hardwood.

"You okay?" she leaned her palms onto the counter next to him. There was that push of invasion yet again, when she stood a distance of as far as two feet away.

"Fine. You?" he replied habitually, taking his glass to the sink.

"Same old same old. Anyway, have you seen my checkbook anywhere? I've been looking for the damn thing for an hour now." She rummaged idly through a stack of papers on the counter as she said this.

"Sorry. I could check my office." Lawrence distractedly shook his head.

"Yeah, when you get a chance." She nodded and looked at him with a casual smile.

Lawrence caught her eyes and had to stare. He didn't want to be one of those people who put things off forever because they were too scared. He'd done enough of that as it was. "Allison," he started, biting his lip. Just say something, anything. Get it started already.

"Ye-" she turned to meet him again, but accidentally sent a good half of the stack she'd been searching through sprawling on the tile floor. With a exclamation of dismay, she reached down to pick them up, leaving Lawrence stalled in the midsts of his confession. Just as he was beginning to find his words—the phone rang and cut him off yet again. "You wanna get that, Lar?" Allison requested as she sorted through her miniature disaster.

"I…" he held up a hand, but it slowly dropped. "Yeah." He muttered, turning off to find where the phone lay calling him. Maybe fate just wasn't happy with him. "Hello?" he answered as he lifted it, masking his terrible mood with a light tone.

"Lawrence? …Shit, oh God, I mean thank God it's you, if it was Allison, I don't know what I would've s—!"

"Adam?" Lawrence straightened up a little and held the phone firmly.

"Look, something happened, I—" Adam's voice cracked a little and it was clear that it was shaken with nervousness.

"What is it, what's wrong?"

"Someone came over, okay? It—I mean I answered the door and it was—last n-night was—"

"Adam, Adam, calm down, breathe…just tell me what happened." Lawrence's throat constricted as he felt the panic in Adam's voice. He went into his office and shut the door, awaiting an answer worriedly.

"We're in trouble. _I'm_ in trouble. This is my fault! God, I'm so stupid, I'm sorry…" Adam got out. "I-It was Eric."

"What?" Lawrence paused, processing the information through his head. Eric. Alarms were going off in his head before he even truly put a face to the name. Then he remembered, through a memory of confusion and defensiveness, and he gripped the phone in tense anger. "Eric? What do you mean? Did he threaten you again? What happened, are you alright?"

"No, Lawrence, listen…ah…" he heard Adam clear his throat desperately. "It was the police. They came to talk to me just now, I…"

"Why?" Lawrence was thuroughly confused.

"Okay…okay, do you remember when E-Eric came over last night?" Adam queried, his voice more under control.

"Sure."

"Well he…he was all drunk and pissed off. He had blood down the front of his shirt—why didn't I…?" there was a hesitation and what sounded like Adam muttering to himself. "He wasn't just mad at his wife, man, he…he came down here last night after he _killed_ her, Lawrence, he fucking killed her!"

"…What?" Lawrence repeated numbly.

"He came over last night because he was pissed at me for not finding out about her affair…For not taking the job. Who knows what he was planning to do? I don't know, but—he was rambling about how he walked in on her and some other guy, and…and I guess he didn't tell the whole fucking story, because they found her dead later that night…some neighbor heard the noise or something, they called the police. They came here this morning, when they caught him. I never meant for this shit to happen, I never thought it…"

Lawrence was stunned, unable to form the words he needed. This was certainly unexpected. "God…" he uttered, rubbing the side of his face.

"I'm sorry, Lawrence, I'm sorry." Adam continued to spout apologies, mixed with a choice amount of swear words.

"It's not your fault, it's okay." Lawrence said instantly, his mind already jumping to try and sort this new problem out.

"Don't you get it, man?" he burst suddenly. "I…They have him in custody, okay? They know that you were _there_ with me. You know what he'll tell them!"

A cold wave of horror swept over Lawrence, pulling him into silence for a moment as he realized this. Damn it. He was right.

"They questioned me, Lawr, they think I'm a goddamn accomplice! I-I kept trying to tell them, I'm a private invesitgator, not a fucking hitman! Man, I don't know what to do, oh God, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault, if you hadn't been there—"

"Adam, buddy…come on, it's okay. It's okay, don't panic on me, okay? It's gonna be fine." Lawrence said this as confidently as he could, but he knew he was in deep shit at the moment. "You're at home right now? Just stay there. I'm coming over."

"No," Adam pleaded. "No, don't, are you crazy…? The cops are coming to question you right now…Fuck. Fuck, this looks so bad…"

Lawrence bit down on his lip hard and pensively fisted a hand in his hair, looking over his shoulder to make sure Allison was nowhere in hearing distance. How the fuck was he supposed to explain this to her? He caught the half-witless murmuring of Adam from the other end, however, and his focus changed swiftly. "Then I'll be over as soon as they're gone." He assured quickly.

"No, they already must be thinking something's up, you can't—"

"I don't care. Just wait for me, okay? Just hold tight and wait for me."

"…Lawrence—"

"I have to go." Lawrence hurriedly hung up the phone as Allison came in, looking at him quizzically.

"Uh, Larry…some people are here to talk to you." She appeared confused and concerned. Lawrence shuddered. Right on cue. "They're cops or something Lar, what the hell is going on?" she nervously glanced over her shoulder and back to him.

"It's okay. It's nothing, I think they just…need to ask a few questions. Maybe…maybe about uh…well, you know. That night..." He knew that was the most plausible excuse.

Seeing that she seemed a bit more at ease, he stood shakily and swallowed. He had to find a way to get out of this… As he walked out into his hall, he found two men standing in his living room, and suddenly…he felt a timid spark of hope daring to rise up as he looked to one of them in particular.

"Hello again, Dr. Gordon." Said the man with a nod.

Lawrence's chest dropped a little in a small, inaudible gasp. "…Detective Palmer…right?"


	36. Twenty Questions

**Rebirth – Chapter 36: Twenty Questions**

_Alright! Well it turns out this fic will actually be finished after all. No, this isn't the last chapter, but were getting pretty deep into trouble, eh? Thanks to all who reviewed, and all who read but didn't review, assuming there were any. I hope my new set of complications doesn't bore you. But I do promise to see this one to the end, so let's get on with it.

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_

Lawrence felt as though he was five years old from where he sat, slack-shouldered at the dining room table as he idly looked down at his fidgeting hands. That was just what he felt like: a scared kid who knew he'd been caught and waiting in terror for the axe to fall. He couldn't imagine that he looked any more confident, either. He gazed up at Derek Palmer expectantly, though in his head, he was scrambling to think of the right answers to questions that had yet to even be asked. "Would you…like something to drink?" Lawrence uttered pitifully.

"No thanks, we don't wanna trouble you longer than we need to." Palmer replied as he sat down, his assumed partner near him. Lawrence hadn't bothered to acknowledge the other's name. "We just have a couple of questions about some things that happened last night."

"Sure. Go ahead." He nodded quickly. A little too quickly, he needed to stop his damned jitters.

"Can you tell us where you slept last night, Mr. Gordon?" asked the other detective in a relatively friendly voice. He had dark hair and glasses, probably in his late forties or so with sharp features and the barest lilt of some Slavic accent.

Lawrence mentally cowered, breaking into a sweat as the first question was presented to him bold and direct. "I…was with a friend. I spent the night at his apartment. Adam, Adam Faulkner, you uh…I think you remember him, huh?" he looked at Palmer with a surprisingly casual nod.

"Sure." Palmer agreed, rubbing under his nose a moment with his pen before he jotted something down on a pad of paper. "Can you tell us what, if anything that you're aware of, happened that morning between the hours of three and four a.m.?"

Lawrence rubbed his knuckles anxiously and sighed, recounting the events briefly. "Yeah, well, I sort of crashed over at his place that night…it was late. And um…well to be honest, I-I—" _Did you just say 'to be honest?'_ "I stay with him sometimes because he has nightmares. He's in a pretty shaky state, he doesn't have any other friends, as far as he's told me." _You're a real bastard. You're putting him down to make yourself look innocent._

_What the hell am I supposed to say? I'm doing this for his own good._

_For _your_ good, you mean. Just can't bring yourself to be an honest man, can you?_

"Uh, someone came," Lawerence cleared his throat and continued in a surprisingly level tone. "came pounding on the door at about three-thirty or so. Adam went to answer the door."

"And who was at the door?"

"One of Adam's former clients. Eric, I think he said. I came out at the end of things, really, but I could tell that he was drunk. He was threatening Adam, so I told him off. He backed down, I didn't really think anything of it. What happened? What's all this got to do with me, anyway? It's not something about Eric, is it?" he feigned ignorance.

He did another good job of pretending to be shocked as Detective Palmer relayed the story of Eric Fisher and his run-in with his cheating wife. A fantastic job, actually. From wide eyes to quirked eyebrows and nervous fingers through his hair, he was farily sure that they didn't suspect he had any prior knowledge of this incident. Lucky for Lawrence, he had been born with a cool head. They gave him the usual rundown, and after a while, he was relieved to find that they for certain accused him of nothing in regards to the death of Alexandra Fisher. By some grandure fortune, his and Adam's story must have matched up rather well. Adam's plight, however, remained unknown…

"I just can't believe all this happened…" Lawrence mused truthfully aloud, staring down at the table surface as he rubbed the back of his neck. "It's like this stuff just keeps following me. I can't get away from it."

"It's just a freak thing, none of it's your fault, Doc." Palmer said, shaking his head. "There was nothing you could've done."

"What about…uh, what about Adam?" he asked next, the tension killing him. And yet, even still, like a fool, he wondered what Adam was doing at the moment. True to his character, he must have been quietly panicking by now. Flippantly, and mostly from Diana's suggestion, he actually wondered about Adam having a pet or something. It was stupid, really, but any kind of company might be welcome. …There were no big responsibilities for goldfish… "He's not a suspect by affiliation or anything, is he? I mean I've been around him practically every day for the past week or so and he hasn't been doing anything like that."

"We're looking into it." Came the response.

The second detective suddenly stood, muttering something quietly to Plamer, who nodded before watching him depart. Lawrence was somehow more nervous now that the two of them sat alone.

"You don't really believe that Adam could've done anything, do you?" Lawrence pushed again lightly, glancing over at Palmer with worry.

The detective looked over Lawrence for what seemed to be a very long time, his expression shifting as he tapped his fingers on the table in thought. He slowly leaned forward, glancing over his shoulder breifly. "To be honest, I doubt it. Kid's business looks legit, he's got tape records of this guy calling him before. This Fisher guy's a real fuckin' nutjob to begin with."

Lawrence repressed a sigh of relief, instead offering a weak smile and a nod. Palmer, however, seemed to be thinking something over.

"So you're pretty close then? To Adam, I mean." He asked passively.

Lawrence paused and hesitantly nodded again. "Sure. We get along."

"And he asks you to stay over a lot?" he continued.

"Yeah, well...I'm sure he mentioned he doesn't really have family, or things like that. After all this that's been going on, he's had trouble dealing with it. This is just one more thing he doesn't need." Lawrence resisted the urge to twitch.

Palmer gave a sympathetic expression and scratched his chin. "So would you say he has some…issues? Social issues?"

"No," Lawrence answered quickly. "Not like that, anyway. He's harmless, he wouldn't hurt a fly, much less help plan a murder."

"You seem like a good guy, Doc. And I'm inclined to believe you, but the fact is, how I'm sure you can understand we see it, is that Adam already has killed another man."

Lawrence gaped. "Zep?" the name buzzed on his tongue, making him stiffen a little as he unconsciously chipped his nails into the wood of the table. "No. You can't…you can't possibly even be considering that. He did what he had to—he…he _saved_ my _life_." He shook his head. "I would've done the same thing, and so would anyone. He was pushed to do it. It wasn't his fault. None of this is his fault. Can't you see that?" _Calm down, you're losing your cool here…_

"Alright, easy." Palmer held up a hand for a moment, clearing his throat.

"Right, I just…" Lawrence trailed off.

Palmer looked down and tapped his pen on the end of his pad, freezing for a moment as though he were about to write something down. After a long hesitation, however, he slowly set the pen down, folding his hands on the table in front of him. "…How many nights do you spend over there, would you say?" his brow furrowed in thought before he raised his eyes to meet Lawrence.

Lawrence felt a tremor in his chest, and the coherency of his thoughts was gradually overtaken by the thud of his heart. "I…well I suppose it's almost every other night now…" he confessed.

"And your wife is okay with that?"

"She…says she understands." He said. Palmer couldn't possibly be suspecting him of the truth, could he? _He damn well has enough evidence to bring you in on a moral charge._

"Do you ever think that maybe Adam could seek some sort of counselling for this?"

Lawrence leaned up in his chair and resituated his arms. "He's sort of short on money right now. And…I don't know, I think maybe he has too much pride for that sort of thing. I've been trying to…bring him out of his shell, so to speak."

"Mm hm." The detective seemed increasingly disturbed. It was clear that he was aiming towards something, but he had yet to divulge what. "Doesn't this put sort of a burden on you?"

Lawrence rubbed over his knuckles with a palm. "…Adam's my friend. And he saved me. I owe him at least something."

"Sure, but is this just an obligation?"

"Well it's more than that." Lawrence stopped for a second. "Look, at the risk of sounding like a complete wuss, it…it helps to be around him too. He understands, I can talk to him about the things that happened. I feel like it's not fair to unload that kind of thing on my family."

"Don't they have the right to know?" Palmer pressed.

"…Allison doesn't ask…you know, she…it's not really a popular topic."

"Wouldn't she listen to you?"

"Maybe…maybe, but…she just wouldn't know what it was like."

Palmer sighed huskily and rested an elbow on the table, holding a finger to his lip. "I'll level with you, Doc. I've heard a different side of the story."

Lawrence balked. "From Allison?"

Palmer waved his hand in dismissal. "From Eric."

Lawrence didn't respond. He didn't know what he could have said at the moment that wouldn't be self-incriminating. After a long while of silence, he knew he'd better speak up. "What did he have to say?"

Palmer straightened up and drew a breath as though about to explain something very tenuous, starting slow. "When we pulled the story out of him, he implied that you and Adam had more than just a platonic relationship."

It felt wrong to lie, wrong to deny it. It was what a jerk would do, what a coward would do. How could he demean all his feelings for Adam, and the feelings professed to he himself, by doing that…? "Crazy." Lawrence said in a weak voice. "He's just angry with Adam…so he's making something up to hurt him any way he can."

There was another long stretch of dead air. "Come on, Doc. You've gotta be straight with me…" Plamer said, and Lawrence looked away, thinking that a funny choice of words. "You're saying that you have no romantic involvement with him whatsoever? Never thought about it?"

Lawrence couldn't speak. His tongue seized up and his voice was forgotten, the words he tried to muster melting into a palpable sense of dread that slid back down his throat. _This is your moment of truth, Lawrence. You've been awful, to everyone. Will you tuck your tail again? You know they'll find this out eventually. For all you know, they could've already gotten it out of Adam._ Lawrence trembled and clutched his arm, fidgeting in terrible nervousness. His throat caught, but he manage to speak, quietly. "…I…" he began, clenching his eyes shut and turning away. It was all the answer that Palmer needed to draw the correct conclusion.

Palmer sighed and bowed his head. "And your wife has no idea about this?"

"Allison and I haven't been close in years." He whispered. "The past few months we haven't even liked each other. And then…all this." He put his face in his hands and held back a moan. "I know I…It's terrible. It looks terrible. I'm selfish. I can't let him go, but I can't get away from her. Please, I know how bad it is. I know how…how it looks from your end."

"I don't know, Gordon." Palmer shook his head gravely. "Your personal life's not really my business…I just sort of didn't expect this from you." He replied.

"You knew me as a doctor, Mr. Palmer. And I was a great doctor. I never was much of a man." He kept his eyes fixed down in shame. "My intentions were good, I swear to God they were…I never meant to…_have_ affections for him, let alone give into them. Believe me, I didn't even know it was possible for me. But it was, it is, and I…"

Palmer might have understood. Not that Lawrence expected it would do any good. The jig was up, how could Allison not find out after this? Everything had been spilled out into the open, and it was time for him to face the consequences of his deceit. He'd been too much of a coward to admit it on his own. Now some stranger—some cold, unfamiliar voice—was going to tell Allison that her husband was sleeping with another man. "…I guess…under the circumstances…this could be just between us." Came Plamer's voice, cutting through the sound of Lawrence's inner despair.

Lawrence looked up in shock. "…what…?"

Palmer tapped his pen with another heavy sigh and gave Lawrence a grave look. "It doesn't have anything to do with Alex Fisher, does it? …Doesn't need to make it in the records, doesn't need to be published in the paper."

Lawrence couldn't believe what he was hearing. "…You're not going to tell her?"

"As far as I'm concerned, I don't know anything." He shrugged.

He looked down, his anxiousness turning into conflicting relief and disappointment. For a small moment, hope dawned upon him that just maybe, this wouldn't make a difference. And yet, he would feel awful if it didn't…These damn ironies.

"What do you plan to do, anyway, Gordon?" Palmer shook his head and held an upturned hand in query.

"I don't know." He replied as he continued to bite his lip. "I have to tell her. I know I have to tell her. But she just doesn't deserve all this, especially not now, not after all that's happened. And I _love_ my daughter, Christ…of course I love her."

He again gripped at his hair and forced out a breath through his teeth, the detective watching him indecisively. "Ever since day one, they've had to make sacrifices for me. Changes for me. They've moved, they've put up with me not being there because I had to work, they've held dinner for me and gone to stupid social parties for me... I remember days where I would come home tired and do paper work for the rest of the night until my next shift. I once went three days without seeing my own daughter, and I'd been home every night. No, I was too busy, too caught up in me just to go into her room and look at her. Too busy to be a father, or a husband. I never made any kind of decent conversation with Allison. I'd been trying so hard lately to avoid the sense of disinterest between us, to pretend there was nothing wrong. I just left them alone and let them work their way around my job and my needs. They've stopped to wrap their entire routine around my schedule, and I'm leaving them because I'm unsatisfied with _my_ life? It's not fair. It isn't fucking fair." He grit his teeth.

"I know how unfair it is, but does that mean I can leave Adam? I don't know how I could even explain it…When I'm with him, it—…I don't know what to say. …Women, they…haven't interested me in years. God. I…it just seemed like nothing helped…I thought, shit, I'm losing my sex drive in my thirties…that I was impotent or something. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know I was gay when I married her, you have to know that. How could I? …When I'm laughing or joking or talking or whatever with Adam, the only thing that has the power to pull me away from it is the thought of my daughter. But I feel like I'm suffocating him with my marriage. I don't want to put him in the middle of this. If I leave them, I leave them tied up in all the obligations and selfless unfulfillment I forced on them, I leave them because I'm always looking out for me, and no one else. …If I stay…I have to pretend. I have to lie. I have to let Adam go, forget about him, push down my worries about what will happen to him. He didn't have any gay tendancies before this either, you know. I can't even think about how much I've confused him. All I know is that I've seen him happy before, and I pride myself in thinking that…maybe it was me. Either way. Either way I have to wreck someone's life. So you tell me, Detective. What the hell am I _supposed_ to do…?"

There was utter silence…and Lawrence wanted to scream just to break it…He had just poured his entire dilemma onto someone who was, in technical terms, a stranger, someone who he couldn't possibly expect to care. He had laid out his life on the table, literally. Every single one of these problems was his fault, he had caused them all, and while he deserved every punishment, he felt that he couldn't handle them. He was being crushed, strangled, chained to a wall…he swallowed hard and felt sick.

"…You know something, Gordon…" Palmer started, seemingly having recovered from the tale. "Divorce ain't the end of the world…Hell, I should know—I've been through three."

Lawrence looked up timidly. "But how can I say it's the right thing?"

"I don't think it's all that hard." Palmer offered. "If you're not in love with someone, which from what you tell me, you aren't, then you shouldn't be married to 'em."

"Divorce ruins lives. It'll ruin Diana's." he reasoned.

"Just because you're not her mom's husband doesn't mean you're not her dad, right? I've got a kid, too. You remember that, I'm sure. I'm not married to his mother anymore, she saw to that, but damned if he didn't know I was there." Palmer stood slowly and pushed his chair aside, tucking his notebook back into his pocket. "It ain't my place to tell you what you oughtta do, Doc, but I'm sure you know the difference between what looks right and what feels right. Is looking like the good guy worth being miserable for the rest of your life? …I think you made the decision already."

"I don't have the balls to tell her." He muttered with a humorless chuckle.

"Better you tell her than she finds out, eh?" Palmer looked over his shoulder as his partner returned. "I don't think there's any more we need here. We appreciate your time, Dr. Gordon."

"Sure. Any time, huh?" Lawrence shakily stood up himself and glanced down idly at his socks. "Thanks. I uh…hope everything turns out."

Palmer nodded. "Same to you, Doc."

He watched as they departed, mulling over what had just been said. One line in particular stuck out in his head. _If you're not in love with someone, you shouldn't be married to them_… It was simple, it made so much sense. He wanted to believe it, mostly because he wished that things were simple, or that they made sense. But at the moment, Adam was on his mind, and he knew that he needed to go to him.

"What's the story, Larry?" Allison asked immediately as she came into the room, looking concerned.

Lawrence nodded reassuringly and walked to the kitchen, his wife following. "Some guy who was harassing Adam murdered his wife last night. They wanted to ask me if I knew anything about it." He sputtered, searching around for his keys.

"Oh my God…" Allison responded in shock, holding a hand to her shoulder. "…Is he okay?"

"I don't know. I don't know, Allison, I've gotta go check in on him…" he shook his head and clutched his keys off the counter.

"Yeah, go." She nodded enthusiastically. "Let me know how things are."

"Sure thing." He muttered, kicking on his shoes and skittering out the door.


	37. Standoff

**Rebirth – Chapter 37: Standoff**

_Blah blah blah new chapter yadda yadda yadda.

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Adam bit down on his thumb and stared off at the wall in thought, mostly to keep his teeth from chattering. His apartment was too damn quiet, and offered him no comfort in a time of silent panicking. This was all he needed right now: some chaotic event to rip his life out into the open and take it all to pieces. So ironic, so God damn ironic. Someone coming into _his_ life, finding out _his_ secrets, exposing _him_…he knew he'd earned it, and that he didn't have a right to be surprised. This entire thing was his fault. If it weren't for him and his stupid job, he never would've done this to Lawrence. His whole purpose after the ordeal had been not to wreck Lawrence's life like he'd planned to do in the first place, but he'd done it all the same.

He couldn't imagine what Lawrence must be thinking. He must be angry. Or resentful at least. Of all the things that made Adam cringe, the one that stung the most was the image of Lawrence saying to himself, "never should've kissed him…". And how could he not be thinking that now? How could he not regret this?

He practically leapt as he heard someone knock on the door, and he shook his head to no one in particular. Part of him resolved not to answer it, that paranoid part of him that teased him saying, 'could be anyone from Eric to Allison…even Jigsaw', and he groaned in discontent. The knocking came again, more desperate, and Adam pushed himself towards the door. It had to be Lawrence. Even still, he couldn't bring himself to open it. Slowly, he leaned his forehead up against the door and cleared his throat. "Who's there?" it seemed so silly, to ask that.

"Adam, you know it's me, open the door." Lawrence answered.

Adam closed his eyes briefly and edged his hand to the handle. Lawrence's voice had always sounded so good. Something to help him, in his worst of times. Drawing back, he quickly opened the door and stepped back. Somehow, it shocked him to see Lawrence standing there, despite the fact that he had just told him barely an hour ago that he would be coming, and the fact that he had just heard his voice from the hallway.

"Are you okay?" Lawrence demanded straight out as he came in.

"Yeah. Wasn't me that was murdered." He wasn't sure if he meant that as a joke or not. It seemed like something he would say sarcastically, but it drew up the most horrid of memories. Someone had tried to murder him, once. Maybe twice, depending on what he thought Eric would have done the previous night had the circumstances been different.

"You're shaking." Lawrence pointed out, concerned in a way that made Adam resent it.

"Haven't had a cigarrette in a day and a half, what do you expect?" he responded as he clutched an arm. "You shouldn't be here."

"You've got a lot of nerve saying that." Lawrence said as he shut the door, looking him up and down. "What did you think I would do?"

"I don't know, man, but it looks fuckin' weird!" Adam threw up his hands. "Do you think the cops won't know?"

"I didn't want you to be alone."

"News flash pal, I _live_ alone." He bit. "I can take care of myself, I've told you that—you need to start taking care of _your_self."

"What?"

"You heard me, go home!" he scratched the side of his head nervously. "I appreciate it, alright? But it's not the right time, man, and…look, things are a mess right now, I just don't know…"

"Adam—" Lawrence reached out for Adam's arm, only to have him pull away in what was almost panic. Sick of that, Lawrence came forward and roughly grabbed him, forcing him to accept a harsh embrace. "Just—easy, okay?" he pleaded, his assaulting arms melting a little into gentleness.

Adam felt his own arms wrap around Lawrence in a crushing hold, his eyes clenching shut. Whatever restraint he had or thoughts that kept him thinking his affections were wrong weren't strong enough to best the physical needs. He hated that he relied so much on Lawrence to tell him or show him that things were okay. He should be able to do this on his own, that's what an adult does. He didn't want to depend on him for anything…mostly because he knew he couldn't stick around forever.

Lawrence rubbed the back of Adam's neck with a hand and kissed his face in earnest, keeping Adam close as though threatening to crush him if he tried to move away again. "It's all fine, Adam, they don't have anything to charge you on. Or me."

Adam bit his tongue, choosing not to release his outburst of flaws in that statement. He let himself fall into the temptation of staying silent, pretending to believe Lawrence's words, listening to his voice and feeling his hands on his body. He wouldn't be able to live the lie much longer, so he might as well get what he could. _You really think that's what I'm worried about?_ He wondered. "I'm sorry, Lawrence. I'm sorry about all of this, if I just hadn't—"

"Don't—" Lawrence cut him off, "—give me one of those dramatic apologies. Come on. Don't do that." He smiled weakly, pulling Adam closer to him again and resting his chin down on his shoulder with a loose sigh. "If anyone should apologize, it's me, anyway…"

Adam drew his arms tighter and pushed his face into Lawrence's chest, momentarily blocking out his world and the things it accused him of. He took a few moments to gather himself before he pushed away, calmly enough that Lawrence let him go. "…What are we gonna do now, Lawrence?" he asked in a tired but worried tone.

Lawrence lazily scratched a hand through the back of his head and bit his tongue, leaning a hand down against Adam's desk. It was such an ambiguous question, but they both knew exactly what it meant. "…I…I don't know." Lawrence helplessly shrugged.

"You don't know." Adam repeated, nodding with a bitter snort as he turned his head away.

"Look, I know, it's bad right now. It's just…this is a first for me. For a lot of things. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I'm sorry, but I don't." he held out his hands a little and dropped them back at his sides.

Adam let the statement sink in before groaning. "She still doesn't know, does she?"

At that, Lawrence stalled. "…No." he said quietly, and the uncomfortable stillness sat between them in idle. How could he explain his dillemna to Adam? He couldn't expect him to understand. Just like he couldn't expect Allison to understand. So what coud he say?

"So then things are still…"

"…Yeah." Lawrence answered without needing to know. Adam heaved a sigh and Lawrence cleared his throat. "Adam, I tried to tell her…I had the opportunity to tell her and everything, but I—…It just didn't work out."

"Why not?" he questioned lightly. He didn't want to prosecute Lawrence, he didn't want to offend him that way. So he tried to keep his tone as level and undemanding as possible.

"I had no idea where to begin. I don't know how to break this to her. I don't know if…if she can handle it right now." He answered honestly.

Adam bit back on his jealousy. He didn't want to be jealous. He knew that Lawrence didn't love her…that he didn't really want to stay married to her…

…did he…?

_You're fooling yourself, Adam. You're fooling yourself._ Repeated a panicking voice in the back of his head. _Or he's fooling you. Either way, you're a fool._ "So…this is how it's gonna be." Adam scowled down at the floor slightly.

"What?" Lawrence tenatively looked him over.

Adam didn't want to say it, but his frustrations did. In any case, it had to be said, didn't it? "Us. This is it. It's just like…I'm just like some pathetic mistriss. You'll say you'll leave her, but you'll say she's not ready. You'll say you want to do it, but it's not the right time. That you don't love her. That you don't want to be married. And for some reason, I'll believe everything you say, huh?" he surmized as he looked down at his feet, rubbing his upper arm distractedly.

"No, Adam, it's not like that…" Lawrence froze solid, eyes darkening in guilt. "You don't understand, I really tried, but I was cut off—"

"I know. Sure." Adam murmured back shortly.

"I…"

"So then…when's the right time? When is it okay that she knows you're like this? When you've been cheating on her for a month, or when you've been cheating on her for a year? Which'll be easier? I don't get it, man…"

"I'm sorry, I never meant to make you feel that way." Lawrence said sincerely. His words were slowly opening a raw wound. Could he deny what Adam was saying? How could he not think that way? Lawrence felt terrible. "Y-you mean more to me than that."

Adam briefly seemed to cringe, and slowly his eyes rose. "What are we still doing like this?" he uttered. "You're married. You're still married, you…" he steeled his voice and began again. _That's right…_encouraged a voice. _Be a man_. "You have Diana. And Allison. They love you. Don't…don't walk away from them if you have any doubts about it…"

Lawrence could only gape in shock.

"Don't you even fucking realize what you're risking here? Look, I'm sorry, I really am, I just…can't do this. We have to…cut it out, drop this, it's the right thing to do." He worked through his restricting throat and folded his arms across his chest.

"Adam, don't do this. You don't understand, I was trying to tell her today!" Lawrence spouted almost frantically. "But then you called, and the detectives showed up, and everything went to Hell. I'll tell her about this, Adam, I really will."

"Yeah, show me a guy who's ever lived up to that!" Adam hated the way he sounded. He despised coming off as some bitchy little sidewhore nagging her lover to choose her. But he was angry. "That's great, Lawrence. That's really fucking great."

"Do you think I'm teasing you or something? Damn it, Adam, I'm not that kind of person!" Lawrence took a step forward, but Adam retaliated with a step back. "I thought you knew me better than that."

"How the Hell would I know you better than that?" Adam snapped back. "The fuckin' minute you kissed me you still knew you were married! And the first night you went back to her after that, you still knew that you'd been with me! Well you don't get _both_. It's married life or gay life, you know? Which are you, which seems more likely, what the Hell am I supposed to _know_ about you when you make everything so _damn_ confusing?"

"It's not that easy, Adam, as convinient as that would be!" Lawrence rubbed his hand over his face with a gruff sigh. "You have no idea what it's like to be married. What it's like to have lived with someone for so many years, to have a child with them. I don't love Allison in a romantic sense, but Christ, I still love her! And I can't just hurt her."

"But with me it's no problem." Adam shook his head. "Fuck you."

Lawrence growled. "That's not what I meant!"

"Then what is? Hey, I realize that I don't come first, okay? I accept that, that's fine! I'm not that selfish! It's coming last that _hurts_!" Adam clenched his fists tight where they met his chest.

"How can you say that? I don't know what your God damn problem is. Can't you see that I'm trying for you? Do you even care?"

"You keep saying how hard it is, and then you resent me because you say I have no idea what it's like! Just because I never made the mistake of getting married—"

"Hey, I don't _regret_ marrying her!" Lawrence said defensively as his mind quickly scanned over Diana, and Adam paused.

"Fucking fabulous." He nearly growled. "Then you regret getting involved with me."

"No!"

"Whatever!" Adam barked out as he thrust out a hand as if to dismiss him. "Poor Lawrence Gordon, he only has a family that loves him and a job that pays his bills! Now he's pissed because he can't have sex on the side, too, without feeling guilty about it! Damn, what a tough break!"

"You're not even listening to me!"

"That's all I ever do! You think you're so fucking pitiful, but you know what? Even at your God damn lowest point, you've got a Hell of a lot more than I ever had!" Adam momentarily broke through his senses, confused entirely as to how they had started yelling like this.

"I don't pretend to know anything about your life before me, Adam, but looking at the way things are now, I'm sure you're right! Maybe it wasn't all that great! But you know something, you've _got_ freedom! You've _got_ the option to leave your life behind and start over, you've _got_ the liberty of changing your life without hurting anyone!" Lawrence pointed out as he took another step forward.

"It's easy when you're coming from nothing!"

"I don't believe you! You can't even hear yourself! You might not have more than you think I have, but you've got more than a lot of others! You have your own apartment, you _do_ support yourself, you have a God-given talent with your photos! No, all you can do is bitch about how bad your life is, instead of trying to make it better or instead of finding something good about it! Sure as Hell that's not me!" Lawrence spat, teeth clenched. "Hah! That's fine, Adam! That's just perfect, maybe Jigsaw was _right _about you, you _are_ ungrateful for your life!"

…..

…The weight of the stunned silence bore down completely unmarred around them…

Nothing could have compared to the utter instantaneousness of their anger's disappearence. Lawrence received no rebuttle. No verbal reaction. No street sound nor movement from the other inhabitants of the apartment complex was present to offer him a bit of distraction from it, and he suddenly felt vomit rising into his throat. What did he just say?

Adam stood with his eyes locked onto Lawrence, frozen in some kind of gesture as he gaped. It was as though someone had just…shut him off. Slowly his hand went back to clutching his other arm, and he fell back a step with a heartbroken shudder.

Lawrence held a hand to his forehead in disbelief. "…A-Adam, oh my God, I…"

Whether it happened gradually or suddenly, Adam wasn't looking at him anymore. His eyes looked past him…distant. Lost. He was in pure shock, his body struggling just now to process the sudden pain. The embarassment, the horror, the memory. There wasn't possibly a more scathing thing that could have been said.

Alarms were going off in Lawrence's head, his eyes caught mortified onto Adam as he comprehended the severity of his accustation. _Apologize! Say you're sorry, you didn't mean to say that! Look at him, look at what you did, say something to him!_ …But he couldn't speak. He only managed a weak stammering before he was cut off.

"…Sh-shut up." Adam said in a cracked, pleading whisper as he cowered from some unseen thing. He couldn't muster the sense enough to say anything more. He was numbed.

Lawrence had been through his fair share of arguments before, naturally. Most were rather trivial, or impersonal, but this…was devestating. He had said the one thing, the most cruel, unintended thing to lash out at him, and the result made him sick to his stomach. Adam did not deserve that…He had taken away the foundation he had spent weeks building to try and get Adam's mindset in a comfortable place. To help him forget, to assure him that Jigsaw had been a madman and nothing more. His nightmares had finally died down. And with one, stupid, idiotic outburst, he had torn it all back up to the surface. It had made him furious to think on what Jigsaw said about Adam, and the words he had just used were: _he was right_. There was no apology that could fix that.

"…Just go." Adam shook his head, his voice still hollow and full of astounded hurt.

Lawrence didn't know what to say. He would have leapt to do absolutely anything Adam said at that point, anything that could remotely satisfy him. But how could he leave? Not like this. Still his voice failed him, however. He felt as though his voice was something poisonous after that. That it would only further upset him. And still, what would he do? He would normally soothe people with the usual touching or gentle words, but none of that did good right now when Adam was holding away from him on purpose. After all, it had never been _him_ to break Adam down. Slowly, though battling against his baffled instincts, he turned for the door in a daze. He stopped hestiantly and floundered for a moment, clutching at the door frame like he was afraid something would shove him out. "I…I didn't mean it…" he barely uttered, doubting that Adam could have heard him. He nearly stumbled out of the apartment, and the door closed with the ghostly echo of a lonely click.

Adam stared on as Lawrence exited, taking another step back and shakily feeling his shoulders hit the wall. He leaned back and slid down to a slumped position on the floor, holding his arms tightly. …The quick flashes and memories of Jigsaw's puzzle were slowly fading from his vision, and he began to attempt to cope with his newfound misery. Jigsaw was right. Jigsaw was right… He murmured and rubbed the side of his head. Words had never been so crushing. He was such an idiot for starting that argument, what had he been thinking? Why did he always have to instigate these things, what was wrong with him…? But… At least…at least he knew now how Lawrence really felt. That was clear now, if nothing else. It would have had to come up some time or another…

Adam smirked slowly as tears warmed his cheeks a little. Now, he thought…maybe now Lawrence was finally free.


	38. Downfall

**Rebirth – Chapter 38: Downfall**

_Warf. Sorry, chapter written quickly. Anyway—one quick note to NightmareFX: Thanks very much for your interest! Unfortunately, I'm sorry to say that you do have me confused with someone else on LJ. I go there by '**morning(underscore, which for some reason won't show up when I type it here)hell**', same as here. You really had me confused there for a minute:D Just out of curiousity, what made you think that they were me? Anyway, I hope you continue to read. Thanks to all as well.

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_

Lawrence must have tried every key on his key ring at the lock of his front door, a door that he had unlocked thousands upon thousands of times before some time in an average life. But now the damn key just wouldn't fit. Nothing seemed to fit now. Even when he found the right key, it took him a few moments to put it in the right way. And when the door opened, for all his effort, it didn't even seem to matter. …Was this his home? Was this where he lived? …It must have been, if the key fit the lock. How he despised metaphors.

There were no sounds as he entered the main hallway, but he didn't notice this. It was quiet enough in his head that he wondered which reality was which. So he and Adam had ended it. They had ended. It seemed so horrible. If it was the right thing to do, like Adam said, then why did it feel so fucking horrible? It was awful enough to think of the relationship as ending, let alone remembering what terms it had ended on. This couldn't possibly be the right thing. It just couldn't. Lawrence trudged to the end of the hallway and leaned the side of his head against the wall, overwhelmed by far too much that had happened in such a short time. _How could I have said that to him? …And why did I leave, why didn't I say something? I let him think that he meant nothing to me. When I met him he had no one, and now he's right back to the start. All I ever wanted was to be there for him…_

_Well he's the one that ended it._ Ah. The old retaliation of a mind too torn to come to a conclusion about feelings interpretated from the heart. What was the point?

_I didn't give him a choice. I wouldn't act. And I lost him, just like I knew I would. _

_So now you don't have to leave your home, or your daughter. You don't have to worry your wife. _

_Sure. Great._

_That's what you wanted, isn't it?_

_I wanted Adam._

_Over Allison and Diana?_

_No. I just want him, is that really so bad? The detective was right—why can't I just end this marriage and get it over with? What exactly is holding me back?_

_You're a coward. Does that surprise you? Didn't you suspect you'd take the easy way out? You're a damn good liar Lawrence, and you know it._

_I never lied to Adam. That has to count for something. _

_He wouldn't take you back after what you said, anyway. You burned that bridge, don't burn this one too. _

_I never meant to say that, it's not true! Jigsaw was _not_ right about him…he has to know that. I was the only one he had, and look how I betrayed him._

_"Lawrence, I need you…don't leave me…" _a cold echo from a past occurrence.

_You didn't even apologize, not really. Who knows, he could be downing the nearest bottle of pills right now because of you._

Lawrence felt that a cruel blow. _He's got more sense than that._

_Yeah, maybe he'll learn to get on without you. Alone again, he's got to be used to it by now._

_I don't want him to be alone…He doesn't deserve to be alone._

_But it's okay to leave Allison and Diana alone._

Lawrence was suddenly fed up. _No! Ah! I'm tired of this same damn argument! I love Diana and Allison, they'll always know that, but I want to be with Adam and there's nothing wrong with that! I've never been happier than I was when I was with him, I've never felt for anyone the things I feel for him and how many people can say that at my age? There isn't anything wrong with caring about him. There isn't, so stop, just stop it, why should I have to _choose_ one, how is that fair to _anyone_? …_

_…_

_Then what are you waiting for?_

Lawrence dizzily shook his head before numbly jerking a bit when something hit him in the chest. Blinking in shock, he looked down at the ground to see…a condom package? He stared down at it and furrowed his brow, then jerked his head up to see Allison standing before him. …Why did she throw that at him?

As he looked at her, slowly his confusion abated with concern in its stead. She was clearly angry. "Allison?" he questioned, his throat dry.

"Didn't expect you home for a couple of hours at least." She snapped dangerously, and Lawrence was almost prompted to step away.

"What are you talking about? I just left a little while ago—I-I went to go check on Adam…" he reminded.

"Did you really?" she responded in accusation. She gestured roughly to the floor at the condom. "I found those in your pants while I was doing the laundry, mind telling me where the hell they came from? _We_ damn well haven't needed any in the past few years!"

Lawrence gaped. "…I…"

"You're sleeping with someone else." Allison said in disbelief, but still she was looking at him as though she was begging him to deny it.

Lawrence only shut his mouth and looked away painfully. Well here it was.

"I don't believe this. I can't believe this!" Allison yelled out, making Lawrence jump. "You _are_ having an affair! You _are_! After all this time, after I felt like such shit for accusing you in the first place, after all the hell we went through you're _still having_ an _affair_?"

"Allison…" Lawrence shook his head, unable to find the words to explain himself.

"This is perfect, wonderful. You prick, how could you do this?" she continued, and Lawrence was silenced in his shock and his shame. "All this time you were out with some whore, you were out getting off on some other woman while we sat here and waited for you? You even had Adam covering for you, I'm gonna be _sick_!" she threw up her arms and looked at him incredulously.

"I know, please, let me…"

"Explain? Forget it, Larry. What can you say? How can you justify this—this is—I-I should've gone with my gut instinct to begin with!" she shook her head.

"Allison, just—"

"I don't know what I must have been thinking. God, I'm so pathetic! I honestly thought things were gonna be different, I really thought you changed, or something! I was willing to trust you, Larry, I _did_ trust you! How could I be so blind, so stupid? I didn't even question how weird it was that you seemed to want to spend every night at 'Adam's'!"

"It…_was_ Adam." Lawrence barely whispered. What did it matter that she knew now? He felt his concern for the situation slipping.

That was enough to force Allison to pause in her anger, as if she'd collided into a brick wall, stunned confusion taking its place. "…_What_ was Adam?"

Lawrence met her eyes at a slow pace, and he wondered what she saw in them. The way she looked back at him it must have been something, but not something tremendous. Not enough, anyway. She couldn't possibly knew how he felt. He took in a deep breath… "…I've been sleeping with Adam…" and drew it out.

Allison's shock was obvious. But then that was something of a brutal understatement. She couldn't seem to speak, utterly floored, left absorbing this fact with wonder. He could see it now. Her husband? Sleeping with a man? He had had far too many grave conversations today, and he was by now used to this astounded silence. He would have allowed her to do just about anything right now and still consider it to be nothing if not completely justified. Let her scream, let her hit him, let her cry, anything. She deserved to do, to be, to feel…anything. For just a moment, he wondered if she would simply drop dead given that look on her face.

"…You're…gay?" was all she could stutter.

"No one was more surprised than me…" he almost gave out one bitter chuckle, but he didn't have the energy. Gay. It was weird to think of it that way when standing in the presence of his wife. …But it was true.

Allison hesitantly placed a hand on the wall, but then removed it, fidgeting with her foot as though she meant to move somewhere. "You're…H-how…? I-I mean…" it took a few moments to sink in, but sure enough…there was the anger he had been expecting. "The whole time…you've been out having sex with…_Adam_?"

He knew that she was looking for some excuse, some defense. Looking for him to pour upon her his sad little story in a desperate plea for her to understand—hoping that he had some divine reason for all of this, or at least to just think that he did. But he didn't have one. "Yes." He answered back bluntly, voice heavy and worn from mental restlessness.

Allison blinked repeatedly at him. "How could you not know you were gay? How could you not know that, how could you ever say that you _loved_ me…?" she sneered as though the word were some profound lie.

"I didn't know, it just never…" Lawrence swallowed and trailed his gaze to the hardwood floor beneath him with a whimpering sigh. "Allison…oh Allison, I need a divorce…"

She could only gape at him. Her horror was clear, and he couldn't bring himself to look at her. But he shouldn't have to do this anymore—and neither should she. It had all been said, and there was no turning back now.

"I don't believe what I'm hearing…" she uttered in a semi-broken tone. "This is what I get, this is what I've earned. This is what I deserve? After everything that's happened, I find out that you—_you_'ve been having sex with a _man_? I'm so fucking undesirable that you'd really go for the very next person to offer it?"

"It's not like that." Lawrence looked up at her now.

"Spare me, Larry. Hell! Well what am I supposed to think, what would _you_ think? If you caught me sleeping around with another woman?"

Despite the situation, a very small part of him cracked a little chuckle deep down.

"Like you would even care." Allison continued. "I could move to Africa and you wouldn't even notice until Diana brought it up!"

"Don't say that, Allison, just because I screwed up doesn't mean I don't know you're alive." He pleaded.

"Screwed up, screwed up, there's an understatement!" she aimlessly hit the wall with a hand. "You cheated on me! How could you cheat on me, why, y-you just couldn't face up to our problems, you couldn't try and work them out? For Christ's sake, Larry, at least I was willing to try!"

"I don't know…" he gave a helpless shrug and thought about the question for a moment. "I'm just sorry, there's nothing else I can say."

"I geuss that makes it all fucking better then." She returned sarcastically.

"No, it doesn't, but…but it's all I've got…"

"With _Adam_!" Allison said, not seeming to have heard his comment. "Why Adam? Why him? What about him turned you on, huh? You sick bastard."

"Adam, I just…" Lawrence shook his head again and tried to process it himself. "I don't know. I can't explain that…There are just things that happened between us that—"

"Things don't just _happen_, Larry." Allison ground out. "People _do _them!"

"I know, Allison. This is hard, okay?" he pleaded lightly.

"You're right, how could I be so insensative? This must be awful for you, excuse me." She growled, and he could sense her patience at its end. "Do you get off on disasters or something? Something about being in a crisis that makes you jump on the nearest body to you? Is that why you started chasing him?"

Lawrence's mouth dropped a little. "How could you s…say that?" he felt a pang of hurt for a moment before anger started to take its place. "There are just things between us that I can't explain."

"Well you damn well better think of one, Lar, because I _deserve_ an explanation!"

"I know you do, but I-I don't know what to say, okay? You want me to tell you that I planned this? That I've always been attracted to men—that it makes sense I have feelings for him now? In this short of time? I can't tell you that, you have to know that!" Lawrence rubbed his temple and glanced down at the condom on the floor again.

"Sure. How easy. It's that simple, huh? It's just that easy—I guess you can excuse anything with what happened to you, can't you? I know you suffered something traumatic with that killer, but how hard did you hit your head? How did it turn you…like this?" she accused.

"Why do you have to bring that up, Allison?" Lawrence wailed out in frustration. "Someone tried to kill me! I was kidnapped by a phsycopath! I _cut off_ my own _foot_ to get out of there! Christ! And you're throwing that back at me!"

Allison scoffed. "It has to be brought up some time, doesn't it? I'm sorry that happened to you Larry, but get off yourself! You weren't the only one who went through it—it didn't just happen to _you_! It happened to all of us!"

"You don't have any idea, you couldn't understand what it's like to feel that kind of pain, that kind of terror!" Lawrence fought back.

"I couldn't?" Allison was seething by this point, thrusting a pointing gesture down the hall where Diana's bedroom lay. "Try being tied up and helpless while someone holds a _gun_ to your eight-year-old daughter's _head_!"

The look in Lawrence's eyes was pure horror as she said that, numbing him...

It was his turn to be stone silent now. Diana…had he almost forgotten what that sick fuck had done to her? He caught the wall as though balance was fading from him, the fight knocked clean out of him…_Why am I fighting?_ He thought in agony. _Everyone's right, everyone's right but me. I'm wrong, I know! Why am I fighting about it? Allison's right…and Adam, Adam was right…I'm self-centered, and I'm terrible._

Allison waited for his response, clearly, but when she saw the look on his face, she backed off a little. This was them at their worst, wasn't it? Shaking her head she stepped away with a final statement. "But whatever, Larry. Your life is such a fucking tragedy. Don't let me stop you from feeling sorry for yourself."

Lawrence could only watch as she walked out, his eyes following her from where he leaned against the wall. He slumped against it and cradled his keys in his hand aimlessly, his eyes blurring with tears that wouldn't fall. It was exactly as it had been predicted. It was the way that he knew he would end up. Adam was slipping from him, and so were his wife and daughter. He would have no one. He scolded himself, he told himself that he knew what was right and that he would act and somehow, somehow have everything turn out alright. True to his nature, he hadn't done anything to save himself. He was now at the downfall, when it all came crashing down, did he have any right to be surprised? Shocked? It was so very easy to crush someone. He had done it to two people today with his horrible words. He deserved no less, and he was paying for it in full. Though deserved it may be, he couldn't bring himself to derive any satisfaction from it. For now he had nothing…nothing but memories, and a scar around his ankle.


	39. The Final Nail

**Rebirth – Chapter 39: The Final Nail**

_What? Really now, guys, you're asking me to write a _happy_ ending? Where's the fun in that? …Well we'll just have to see, hm? That depends on what I think they deserve… :) There's more to come.

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Lawrence rubbed his hands harshly over his face as he sat at his office chair, forcing out another gravelly sigh as he stared at the phone. Four…he had tried to call Adam four times today. But he wouldn't answer his phone…Concerned, Lawrence was dying just to pick up his keys and head for the door, but he was sure that Adam wasn't answering his phone for a reason. How could he want to talk to him, anyway? Lawrence scarcely thought he even had the right to try and get a hold of him, but the fact was, he couldn't stop himself. Could he just abandon him? But then, shouldn't he give him more time to cool off? Most likely… As this decision came, however, he realized that he was already dialing the number once more.

He held his breath as it rang. _Please pick up…please pick up the phone, Adam…_ He rubbed the back of his neck in exasperation and shook his head. Maybe Adam wasn't even there. He could be out at the store, thought doubtful, he knew that Adam didn't like to shop. He could be out getting drunk somewhere…he might even have gone to see a family member. Lawrence almost wished that. _Be there, just be there._

The phone clicked and Lawrence jumped.

"…Hello?" Adam's voice was rough, distant. But it was good to hear his voice, to know that he was there. At first Lawrence couldn't speak.

"Adam…Adam, please don't hang up on me." He managed, pleading that he wouldn't simply cut him off. There was a static pause… "Even though I know I deserve that…"

Lawrence slowly started to panic as he received no answer.

"You're…still there?" he prodded worriedly.

He heard a small sigh from the other end. "Yeah…what is it?"

That response was almost cold, but Lawrence was extremely grateful for it. "Look, I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now…So thanks…thank you, for listening I mean." He cleared his throat a little and nervously fondled the fabric on his knee. "I can't…I mean I could never expect you to forgive me. But…I'm sorry anyway. It's not good enough, but Adam, I'm so sorry…"

"…Sure…" Adam replied.

Lawrence sank down at the uncomfortable mutter, feeling horrible as he realized that Adam was just drawing inward again. "…I didn't mean that, and it's not true. I was angry—but it shouldn't've been at you." _And out of all the things I've ever said to anyone, I don't regret any of them as much as I do that…_

"That's why you called?" Adam asked.

"Yeah, well—that and…come on, Adam, I don't want us to be like this…" Lawrence tried pathetically.

"Us, huh? …"

Lawrence groaned internally. "You have every right to be angry. But Adam, I…Listen, Allison…Allison knows about us."

For that he received a long hesitation. There was momentary hope in Lawrence's chest as Adam's tone changed a bit. "…She…you told her?"

"More or less, yeah." Lawrence agreed.

"And…?"

"I don't know, she really…to be honest, she didn't take it so well. Not that I blame her…"

He slowly heard shifting, like Adam was moving around. "…Oh." He paused.

"I know I should've done it sooner, I really should've." Lawrence said.

"How did you…I mean, how did you go about telling her?"

"Well she confronted me about…" Lawrence started to confess, but he stilled as he heard Adam sigh.

"Oh. That's great. So you didn't tell her, she found out." His voice sounded strained.

Immediately Lawrence felt a surge of guilt. "No, it's not like…er…well…"

"Are you even getting a divorce?"

"I don't…know." He admitted. "I think so, anyway."

"Okay. Sure." He heard a dull chuckle. "So she finds out that you're sleeping around and you think she'll leave you. That's why you called me. I'm better than nothing, right? I appreciate the sentiment, man."

"What?" Lawrence sat up. "That's not it at all! Adam…"

"Sure Lawrence. …Is that it? Can I go now?"

"Adam, for God's sake…" Lawrence bit his lip. "I don't want to lose you."

"Fine, Lawrence, I don't want to do this, okay?" Adam cleared his throat, his voice quieting down. "Just…don't call here."

"Adam, I love you, for the love of—…I'm in love with you, don't you—don't you _get_ that?"

There was something of a stunned reply on the other end. Or rather a stunned lack-there-of.

"…I know I never said it. I…" Lawrence momentarily studied over what he'd just said, trying to sort it out in his head.

"…Yeah." Adam said with a swallow.

"Couldn't you tell that, couldn't you…I don't know, feel it? When I was kissing you, touching you, making…_love_ to you, you never…did you really think I was with you for a fling? …I must've done a piss poor job…Then I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry for everything." Lawrence murmured and waited with anxiety.

"…Maybe I-I loved you too, okay, but this—this can't work!" Adam decided. "It just won't…I was fooling myself thinking it could, I don't even know _what_ I was thinking. This relationship doesn't make any goddamn sense! Forget it, don't feel like you have to do this. I won't be you're fucking burden anymore. So go back to Allison. And get back to your life, Lawrence."

"You're part of my life, please, don't shut me out, Adam—…" Lawrence tried desperately, but the phone clicked, and the voice on the other end was gone…maybe for good. Stifling a small cough, he gently let the phone drop onto the desk, putting his face down into his hands. _A burden? You think you're a burden on me?_ But then what else could he think? He had belittled Adam for being as useless as Jigsaw said he was. He already knew that Adam felt guilty for Lawrence having risked his life for him. Perhaps he had dealt him a hurt that could not be reversed, nor forgiven. He was an idiot to think Adam would consider taking him back. At least he'd apologized now, if nothing else. He just wished that fact was more satisfying.

As it died, his short life with Adam briefly flashed before his eyes. Trying to comfort him from the other side of the room where he lay chained, crawling over to him. Waking up to find him in the hospital. Kissing him for the first time, touching him, gratifying him, that look on Adam's face as he realized that Lawerence was about to pull his pants down. Lying with him in comfort and simple moments between them that meant so much. Little gestures of affection that he himself took for granted. Sex, for sure, he remembered that. The feelings, the sounds Adam made, the mess. An exhaustion he was grateful for. Being, for the first time he could possibly remember if not truly the first time, drop-dead ridiculously in love. But it was all over now. Over. Lawrence presently had his face covered with his hands as his heart crumbled.

Everything was over. Allison would surely take Diana from him now, at least she would receive custody in divorce proceedings once he was portrayed in this light…He would be left alone in an empty house he would rarely be in anyway. Fall back into his work and become that mindless zombie that someone had tried to kill him for becoming. All the while he'd been working like that, he'd never even realized how horrible his life had been. And it had taken something much more horrible to show him that? It didn't make sense. But he had only himself to blame. Because in short, now, he had only himself.


	40. Debris

**Rebirth – Chapter 40: Debris**

_So yeah. Thanks for the reviews, you guys are awesome! Writing is such a chore…Funny thing is, it's all I have to do now!

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It had been almost two days since his confrontation. Two days since he'd seen Adam. Two days since he'd slept or eaten, for that matter. Not that he'd eaten much since his kidnapping, the ordeal had left a strange dent in his appetite. And sleeping just seemed a frivilous thing anyway. That afternoon he had nodded off on the couch in his emotional exhaustion, only to imagine in semi-consciousness that Adam was lying with him. Cruelly, as he reached down a hand to stroke his lover's hair, reality reminded him that such things were memories merely. His hand touched only a vast space of nothing, exactly what had taken place of any warmth he had before, and he felt again like a fool.

Sitting in the ruins of his life was harder than he had ever imagined. Lawrence had been brilliant in the past with disregarding his emotions enough to do whatever job was required of him, he was excellent at pretending that everything was alright when it wasn't. But he had no one to pretend to, and no task to fill his time. He only had hour upon hour to wallow, for he had no means to hide his emotions away from his own mind. He had confessed, apologized, and repented, and still, had gotten nowhere for it. Again, something was trying to take his life away from him. _Maybe he did mean for me to live._ Lawrence thought dismally as he stared down at his wronged foot. _This is worse…living in a world without Diana, without Adam…this is worse. To give me something so great just to show me that it's there, and then snatch it away. Did I ever really hurt anyone so badly that I deserve to suffer for the rest of my life with this kind of pain? You old bastard…you only had to suffer for a few months…Even with that, I never took anything away from you. _

_Well I honest to fuck hope it made you happy._ Lawrence leaned against a window of his kitchen in a withdrawled state. _I hope it gives you some kind of little sick glimmer of joy while you're rotting your ass in Hell. I'm sure it was all justified, Jigsaw. I'm sure hurting innocent people like Diana…like Adam is justified, I'm sure you're worth that. I'm sure your pathetic, old, useless cadaver was worth it. For you. Just for you. You hurt them, you hurt them, God do I hate you…_

_But are you still taking to that psychotic, Lawrence, or are you talking to yourself?_ Even the voice that contradicted him sounded disillusioned.

_What does it matter? Which should I hate more? We're both responsible for ruining their lives. And mine. Adam and Diana…I love them so much…how am I supposed to live without them?_ But no thought gave him an answer for that. His will to fight was crushed under the weight of his depression. It seemed as though he'd never said the words 'I love you' without having received a big 'so what?' in return. And so there wasn't much of Lawrence left today.

…To be honest, though he would never admit it, he had, for a few brief seconds, sincerely contemplated the idea of suicide this morning. By what logic should he still be breathing if his life had been taken away, after alll? But it went against his ethics, and it was a stupid thing to do. It was selfish. Even a heartbroken, miserable father who you would probably only see every other weekend from now on was better than none, wasn't it? He would continue to suffer, for her. But the problem was that he would continue to suffer.

"…Larry?" a voice found him from his right and he jerked around to see Allison. …It seemed odd, he hadn't seen her since their argument. Honestly he'd been trying to avoid her, as he knew she had been doing with him. She must have come to tell him that she was leaving now, where she would be…maybe give him a heads up that he was going to be served within the next few days. He quickly blinked away the tears that had been gathering in his eyes and looked her over.

"…Yeah…" he turned to her. His voice was cracked, unused for days. He felt as though he must look like a bum. Hadn't shaved, hadn't slept, hadn't eaten.

Allison looked at him for a long while, with some unreadable expression that made him rather curious. He didn't have the mind to ask about it though. "Can we talk?" she asked. Something about her tone was almost gentle. He supposed he must've looked rather pitiful to have earned that.

"Sure…" he nodded.

Allison rubbed her arm for a moment and sighed silently, daring her eyes up to his. "I-I know that we didn't exactly…end on the best terms the other night. I…Look, I said some things I wish I hadn't. I only really…thought about it later. How much they might've hurt you." She looked down again.

"No…I mean, I…I don't blame you for saying them." Lawrence said as he lethargically swept the hair from his eyes, which gave him something of an excuse to hide the fact he was wiping away the rest of his tears. It had grown out quite a little, he hadn't been bothered with the task of cutting it with so much else on his mind.

Allison shook her head and was quiet for a minute. "Larry, I…well I didn't mean to, but I sort of…I mean, yesterday I…" she swallowed and hesitated, not looking at him.

"…What happened?" he asked, fearing the worst. Then again, wasn't the worst already here? What could she have done that would bring him any more misery?

"I was listening to you…the other day. I heard what you said…" she admitted, but Lawrence was spared no confusion for it.

"What do you mean?"

"On the phone. When you were talking to Adam." She glanced back down the hall towards his office.

Lawrence blinked and stared at her, wondering what difference that could've possibly made.

"You know, Larry, I really don't know what happened to us." Allison went on, looking over to a side table where a few framed pictures lay. She touched over one that Lawrence remembered in particular—a vacation the two of them planned years ago in Cancun. A younger Lawrence and a pregnant Allison outside the resort, a memory that he had long since forgotten, even with the reminder of that portrait. He found it very sad and arbitrary that while that picture should have reminded him of the love they had once shared, the mere fact that it was a lovely picture made him think solely of Adam. "But whatever did," he was brought back to the matter at hand by her voice. "it happened years ago. That's how long this relationship's been dead."

Lawrence drew his eyes away from the photograph and lowered his head again. "I'm sorry, Allison…" he whispered.

"I'm the one who should apologize…" she replied. "Larry, I blamed you all these years. I really did. Whether I admitted it outright or not. But it was my fault too. If I really thought this marriage was worth saving, or that it could be saved, wouldn't I have done something about it? Wouldn't I have confronted you earlier instead of just resenting you behind your back…?"

Lawrence looked up at her with mild shock. "…It's…easy to say what we should've done…" he assured with a sort of shrug.

"I don't love you, Larry." Allison said as she shook her head, looking up at him apologetically. "I know it was selfish of me, terrible…but in some sense, I guess I just expected you to love me anyway."

Lawrence didn't know what to say.

"So I guess when I realized for sure that you didn't, I was angry." She went on. "But I…I heard what you said to Adam and…"

Lawrence's shoulders dropped. "I never meant to do this to you."

She held up a hand. "I know that you didn't get involved with him because you wanted to get away from me. I mean, that's what I thought at first. So do you…you really love him?"

Lawrence caught the uncomfortable look on her face and stood idle for a few moments, folding his arms. "Yeah." He confirmed in a mutter. "I know it…it seems weird. It doesn't seem like it should work. But I do, I love him."

Allison sighed again, biting her lip. "I can't…help but think maybe I really screwed that up for you, then."

"_I_ screwed it up." Lawrence countered. "…I really did." But what was she saying? That she understood? Was it possible that she really understood all of this, that she wasn't angry at him anymore? Suddenly awestruck, he stared back at her.

"I wanted to look like the good guy, I think." Allison said shamefully. "If that meant making you out to look bad, it was worth it. I just wanted to blame things going wrong on you. So I'm sorry. You found someone, and that's great. I shouldn't be jealous."

"You mean you…?" Lawrence stuttered, gaping at her. "You don't…y-you're okay with me and…?"

"It's none of my business anymore, Larry." Allison gave him a small smile. "Let's just…get this awful marriage over with, huh?"

"…You mean that?" he asked.

"Yeah, okay? I signed the papers yesterday, so now…it's just waiting on you." Allison let out the barest of chuckles at the expression on his face.

"Allison…" Despite how absurdly awkward it was, he reached out and hugged her. "Thank you."

"All I can say is it's about time." She replied, shaking her head in shock as she tensed in his arms. She pulled off and looked at him calculatingly. "So…what'll you do now, Lar?"

Lawrence thought for a moment and bit his lip. "I…I'm not sure…I don't think Adam ever wants to see me again."

Allison nodded in what was almost sympathy. "Well…it's gonna take me a while to get used to this…and um, I don't really understand you anymore, but what's love without a fight, you know?"

Lawrence paused, absorbing her words with a careful nod. He was…getting divorced. He was single. Adam was single. And they were in love, but not together. Because of some stupid fight? Was that it? Lawrence took a moment to reflect on just how severe that factor could be. It was only then that the statement Adam had made on the phone truly sank in.

_"…Maybe I-I loved you too, okay, but this—"_ Loved you too, he had said loved you too...hadn't he?

"This is stupid." He muttered aloud, and Allison looked at him quizically. He realized that she couldn't have caught on to his though process alone and he attempted to explain. "We uh…I…are you alright if I go out for a minute?" he instantly jumped and searched around quickly for his keys.

Allison shrugged and motioned to the door.

Lawrence picked his keys off the counter and went out the door again, his drive renewed.


	41. HalfEmpty Glass

**Rebirth – Chapter 41: Half-Empty Glass**

_Thanks so much to those who have reviewed, and those who are reviewing still. I hope you still like it, 'cause it still likes you!

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He stared out at the wall like it accused him of something. But he wasn't truly focusing on the wall. In truth, he wasn't focusing on anything. Adam's mind had become blank over the past day or so…

Time was a hard thing to guess when you just didn't give a damn. He wasn't aware of how many times the sun had set since he last talked to someone; it could have been hours or days. He didn't know how long he'd been sitting here, either, on the floor beside his bed staring at the wall with no view of a clock and no notice of the light that came in from the window. The reason he hadn't taken rest on his bed, as he rememebered it, was because that somehow seemed to be too much of a moping gesture. To crawl into bed and lie there like some over-emotional headcase too depressed to get up. Even if that's what he felt like. Somehow, a petty part of him reasoned that sitting here was better than lying there.

His thoughts were a complete jumble of sensations. Every time he said to himself, 'I should get up. I should get something to eat. I should go out, get out of this apartment.', …some mundane apathy would keep him planted carelessly here. He moved about his apartment with a nonchalant mechanicalness, preforming tasks such as grooming and whatnot out of pure habit and without thought. He despised this place, he hated it from the deepest core of his hatred, but at the same time…he couldn't leave it. After all…it had so many memories of him and Lawrence. Much to his own inner disgust, no matter how hard he tried to shut those memories out, to put them behind him, to pretend that they didn't matter, the fact was that he was clinging to them. It didn't do him any good to remember that Lawrence was bad at drinking, or that he thought pilots were overpaid. It didn't do him any good to remember that Lawrence's eyes were blue. He knew that he had to let Lawrence be, it was right…But that didn't change that Adam was now alone again.

He slowly craned his head back against the bed and closed his eyes, listening to the anguished silence with both ears. He admitted that he never liked being alone before, it was just that he didn't have much of a choice. His family didn't exactly boast about him, or live close by. God forbid they call him, but he wasn't really bothered by it. He hadn't ever had close ties to his parents. He hadn't even thought about them in almost a year before Lawrence brought it up for the first time, asking if there was anyone who would have missed him. The occasional girlfriend would keep him company, but…well what was he supposed to do about that now? Homosexuality, he had no idea where to begin. Up until Lawrence he had never been attracted to other men, would he be now? To be honest, however, the idea of any other relationship made him feel positively ill at the moment.

Sighing deeply, he opened his eyes and looked to the ceiling. Being alone was just a reminder that he was vulnerable. He had never been afraid in this apartment before. Maybe bored, unhappy, disillusioned, but never afraid. That's what Jigsaw had made of him. He made him a scared little rabbit. No wonder Lawrence had been so strained to try and care for him, some child clinging to his leg because he was frightened of the dark, of being alone. Even now he was beating down the paranoia to go out and make sure that the chains on his door were locked. He had become dependent on Lawrence's comforts, and he was disappointed with himself immensely. He had tried to reciprocate the things Lawrence had given him, but how could he be so selfish as to think that it was enough? Lawrence didn't need to busy himself with babysitting a grown man. Stop thinking these thoughts, stop thinking them…_My life was Hell before him…._

_Your life was Hell after him. Maybe you should stop tacking things on to the end and face facts, Adam; your life is Hell._

Adam bowed his head back down and clenched his fingers in his hair. When he closed his eyes just right, when he let his mind drift and he sat in the stillness like a piece of his furniture, he could almost feel the cuff around his skin. The cool, rusted, heavy metal, weighing his foot the the ground. If he fooled himself hard enough, his carpet was stained tile and he was wet and freezing. Freezing? Maybe not freezing, maybe just afraid, maybe that's why he was shaking so badly. And in breif, time-bending moments, he could still hear the gunshot, the screaming, the feeling of bones breaking and shattering as he smashed them. There were somehow still traces of blood underneath his fingernails, or at least there seemed to be. Stuck little bits of pulp and gore clinging to his hands like the memories splattered on the inside of his skull. Neither would peel away so easy. He could still taste the inside of Zep under his tongue where flecks of blood would be forever no matter how many times he had washed his mouth out, and his hands still felt gritty and covered in slime. He could still feel the excrutiating electrocution he weathered when he disobeyed the rules of the game. He was still bleeding from the shoulder. And for a moment, he didn't know where he was anymore. Was he still in that room? It was so real…

He looked up and gave a violent little shudder, eyes coming into focus in a drab, lonely place…Adam quickly got to his feet and gingerly wrapped an arm around his stomach as he headed for the bathroom. He stopped at the doorframe and leaned a bit, rubbing his abdoemen uneasily and staring at the toilet. _Keep it down, keep it down…_he begged himself as he pushed hard at the burning, acidic mulch rising in chunks through his throat. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't give the memories that victory, the triumph of laughing at him as he puked his guts up each and every time over this. His stomach hurt terribly for a second before the pain gradually faded away, and he panted a few times from the feeling. Slowly, it had vanished, and he carefully stepped away from the bathroom.

Taking one more look around his apartment, Adam went to the bed and clutched his jacket in his hands, holding it close to him before he put in on. He had to get out of here. It didn't matter where, it didn't matter for how long. But he had to get away from this, or he would go as mad remembering the ordeal as he did experiencing it. Because if he stayed here any longer, he would also, along with all those other terrible little details, remember the soothing voice near his ear, the warm hand on his face…and everything else that had once saved him, and now was gone.


	42. Heart in Hand

**Rebirth – Chapter 42: Heart in Hand**

_Well what can I say but thanks so much? You guys are leaving the nicest reviews…I'm almost sort of freaked out that this fic hasn't even gotten flamed. I mean, wow…Is that world becoming, dare I say, manneristic? So thanks, because I can't tell you how accomplished I feel to know that someone was entertained by my writing even remotely. You didn't have to sit through and read all this, you didn't have to tell me what you thought of it, but you did, and I appreciate that immensely. …Anyway, here it goes again.

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_

As he pulled up to the line of cars along the street, Lawrence was yanking off his seatbelt and practically bailing out of the car before he even really parked. Lord knows why he was in such a hurry. Perhaps his muscles were as frantic as his head was at the moment. He left his car in a rush, carelessly leaving the door open and the keys still in the ignition.

"What the hell—hey! Jackass!" screamed some driver of the car behind him whom he must have cut off, or parked in front of. Lawrence didn't pay any mind. He half-hobbled as fast as he could to the other side of the street and went for Adam's apartment building, somehow determined to make another stand. He couldn't let Adam slip away from him, and why should he? No, there wasn't giving up anymore. If he had learned anything, it was not to give up. And if the little moron wouldn't listen to reason, Lawrence would make him. He brazenly rushed forward into the door, but as he did, he nearly rammed right into—Adam…who was coming out the other way. Lo and behold that which was ironic convinience.

Lawrence leapt in shock and Adam froze instantly in midstep. Adam had his keys dangling from one hand, his jacket on and a bewildered expression on his face as he stood not nearly a foot away from Lawrence. For a few moments, all they could do was stare at one another, both processing the sudden shock of running right into each other so unprepared. After a numb expanse of it, Lawrence relaxed his stance just a little and let out a breath, tentatively raising one hand in a slow motioned wave. Adam only gaped back at him.

Lawrence could guess the reason for Adam's staring. He knew that he looked a mess. Hair unkempt and down in his eyes, face gruff and unshaven, one look down and—oh, yep, still in his pajamas. Fabulous, what a way to make a plea for someone's heart. Well he wouldn't have have caught Adam in time if he had stopped to spruce up, by the looks of it. He swallowed heavily and breathed a level sigh. "Adam…hey there." He greeted, panting just slightly.

Adam slowly took out of his rigid standing and looked Lawrence up and down. When he brought his eyes back to his face, Lawrence could clearly see the heartache in them. "Lawrence…" he said quietly, stepping back a bit.

_Please don't run from me._ "…I came to uh…see you." _Oh good job, Lawrence. God knows what he must've thought you were here for._

Adam shook his head and recoiled, staring at him blankly. Lawrence wondered if he was just giving him another unecessary pain…but didn't he at least have the right to try? "What do you want, man?" Adam asked, like a man who had had a long day and was not up for a conversation.

Lawrence grimaced and let his hand drop. "I…miss you…" _You sound utterly pathetic, would you pick it up?_

Adam stared on at him with a barely noticable tremble, fidgeting nervously, like always. "That's it…?" he asked, scoffing a little, but not looking at him now.

"No, that's not it." Lawrence said. "That's not even half of it."

"Yeah, then what is?" Adam pushed. "…You left something here? I can get it for you, but I'm in a hurry."

"Yeah." Lawrence nodded. "You. I left you."

"I don't wanna do this, move out of the way." Adam grunted painfully. Lawrence didn't move, and Adam softened. "…Please."

Lawrence didn't move. If he wanted to come forward, he was going to have to come to him. "I don't know how many times you want me to apologize, Adam, but I'll do it as many times as you want. I don't know how many times you want me to say I love you, but I'll say it."

Adam clenched his teeth and shook his head, looking down. "Don't." he ordered gruffly. "I've…I've gotta go, I've got somewhere to be." Adam quickly moved as someone tried to get out the door behind him.

Lawrence murmured as Adam shoved past him, seemingly intent on blowing him off. Somewhere to be? Where did he have to be? He wasn't doing his old job or anything, was—…his job! "Adam," Lawrence turned to look at him as he pushed passed. Adam's interview had been the other day…the day that Adam had called him telling him about the police, and Eric. "Adam, I never even asked you…how…how did your interview go…? With Ryka?"

Adam stopped slowly, turning a little and closing his eyes for a minute before opening them. Guilt shone clear in his features. He chuckled bitterly and shook his head again. "…I got the job…" he uttered almost sadly.

Lawrence's shoulders fell in relief. "That's great…"

"Yeah, sure, Lawrence…go home." He demanded, turning again to walk away.

"Adam, please wait!" Lawrence begged, aiming to grab at him as he walked away. He missed clumsily, however, and tripped over his bad foot, collapsing to the ground with a painful yelp.

Adam instantly whirled around, a breath caught in his chest as he looked back at Lawrence in brief panic. "Jesus, man—" he almost went for him, but he held back apprehensively. His concern was evident, but he remained still, as though some hand had a grip on his shoulder.

Lawrence groaned and sat himself up on the ground, putting a hand to his ankle and looking back out at Adam. "Adam, God damnit, you give me one reason!" he growled out. "Give me _one_ reason why we can't be together! I spent the last two days agonizing over this, over us! Over something that should be, but isn't, and I don't know why! I'm just asking for one! One legitimate reason, you owe me that much!"

Adam's breath was increasing, his nerves wracked and his emotions strained. He was at the end of his rope, he was at the end of his world, and he was fighting a battle from the side he didn't want to be on. He looked at Lawrence indignantly and tightened his fists at his sides. "Because you're married!" he called back. "You have a family! You have a life, that's why, Lawrence—" a hiccupping gulp wrenched in his throat for just a second. "You have a life…"

Lawrence looked on at him with mournful eyes. Adam had things all sorted. He put himself in the place he thought he should be in, he kept Lawrence in the place he thought he should be in. Maybe from his point of thinking, that was a fair assessment… Lawrence scanned Adam's face intently. "…Give me two." he said.

"W…what?" Adam's eyes narrowed, then widened.

"I said give me two."

Adam clenched his eyes shut and tried to turn away. "God, Lawrence, please…don't do this to me."

"Me do this to you? You've gotta be kidding." Lawrence didn't bother trying to get up, even as people walked around him on the sidewalk. "What kind of man would I be if I didn't fight for you? I'm leaving Allison, I'm doing it now, today, alright? That's why I'm here!"

"No man. No, don't get divorced because of me. I thought about this too, you know? Don't do it, it's not worth fucking up your whole life! Your reputation, your family! I thought you understood all that, are you really so fucking stupid that you would turn your whole life upside down o-on _this_?" Adam insisted.

"You think you're saving me, Adam, but you're not! You're killing me!" he responded roughly, and Adam cringed. "I would divorce her whether you were in the picture or not! You're just insentive! I don't care if you believe that, but it's true! Allison signed the papers already—I'm signing them today as soon as I get the chance, but…I had to come here."

Adam blinked repeatedly at him, mouth falling open a little.

"So don't you see? Don't you see now? There's no reason…there isn't a reason…" Lawrence concluded hopefully.

At this statement, something in him slowly calmed, tamed down by his clear surprise as he thought this confession over in his head. Adam stared on at him still, eyes almost lost. Maybe he didn't know what to think. Lawrence met his gaze and begged him with that gaze to just see, to just look at what was between them. There was love, there was want, there was need, there was friendship and passion…But most of all, that at the moment, there was nothing between them. Nothing standing between them. And yet still they stood apart, because, for a reason that he hoped Adam would forget, there was currently physical distance between them as well. He couldn't bare that distance, that distance that spread them apart as though there were chains around their ankles, holding them away from one another…he couldn't bare that feeling, not ever again.

Adam was on the verge of tears as it was, and he tried his damndest to stop them. "She…she signed the papers?" he asked in that timid, almost childlike tone.

Lawrence swallowed heavily at the dryness in his throat and sniffed slightly, wiping a fist over his upper lip. "…Hey…" he smiled weakly and nodded. "…would I lie to you?"

Adam's mouth opened as though he was going to say something again, but his foot lifted like he was battling where to go. "…Christ…" he finally uttered in a miserable cry. He leapt away from the middle of the street where he'd been standing, almost as though he feared it would hold him back, and bounded loyally back to Lawrence. He dropped to his knees and immediately threw his arms around him, nearly sending them both to the cement as he did so. "Lawrence—" Adam choked on a quiet sob and buried his face into a shoulder.

Lawrence encircled his arms around Adam's body as hard as he could, relief flooding his senses like never before. He kissed him feverishly along his face and the top of his head, tears trickling freely as he pulled Adam's body up against him. "Adam, thank God…" he muttered, rather to himself.

"I'm sorry," Adam choked out. "I-I love you, I did, I do, I didn't say it, I'm sorry, I never meant to do all this! With J-Jigsaw or the pictures, and Eric and the police and Allison, and I—" he rambled in an unthinking gush.

"It's fine, it's just fine now, everything's okay…" Lawrence assured in a hushed tone as he smoothed a hand up Adam's back to the back of his head. He pushed his forehead against Adam's in a gentle movement, cracking a smile even through his tears.

Adam clutched desperately at him as though afraid that he was leaving…somehow afraid again that they were both going to die—the same feelings as before, in that room, all brought up once more as the very real shock of losing Lawrence again reminded him of its potential. The difference now was that he could cling to him without fearing that he would pull away. That he would bleed to death. He crushed his mouth up against Lawrence's in a pleading kiss, which was received warmly as Lawrence tightened his embrace and swallowed him with a submitting strength.

Adam wildly battled him for a minute, hands gripped in his now longish blonde hair, forcing his head back, spurred on by some possessive urge that suggested maybe Lawrence was keeping his promise…maybe he wouldn't leave. It didn't even occur to him at the time that they were out in public—in the middle of a sidewalk. Though he had been ashamed, and though he had hated it, everything was okay now simply because Lawrence had said it was. He kept telling himself over and over before that he couldn't depend on Lawrence, that it wasn't fair. But when you loved someone, dependency was an obligation, he supposed. Maybe on some level, Lawrence depended on him too. However, he wasn't willing to commit to that thought, aware of how emotionally distorted he currently was.

Lawrence gripped Adam with both hands on his face and pulled him back, again leaning his head forward to rest against Adam's to look him closely in the eyes. "You have to believe me Adam. You have to listen. I meant everything I said to you…everything except for one, stupid thing. You're not a burden. I'm not giving anything up for you, even though I would. You said you needed me once, Adam, I needed you too, and I still do. Stick with me, just stick with me and I promise I'll make it good for you…"

"Y-yeah. Yeah, okay." Adam managed as his voice cracked, as pathetic and tear-struck as he had been the first time they'd parted.

Lawrence pulled him back into a hug, shutting his eyes and shuddering in satisfaction. Things fell away now, and couldn't he let them? He couldn't help but feel that this was the embrace he had been waiting for for years. The suffering, the pain, the torment, the agony and misery and depression and self-hatred—wasn't it all worth a happy ending? And that's what this was, wasn't it? Happy…

So at the moment, neither of them could think about what had brought them together, or why. They didn't bother thinking about the fact that if it had never happened, they may have never ended up together. Or that they had, like two complete idiots, fallen ass-backwards into an impossible love and fucked it up more times than what should be normal for your average couple. Certainly, neither of them could think at the moment about what Jigsaw's motive had really, truly been…or if somehow, he knew—if somehow, he saw something in them they couldn't see in themselves.

Because there are people that sit in their ordinary lives and look at themselves in the mirror every day and say "I hate you, and I hate my life". There are many people who live every minute of their existence with a very aware passion, a disgust for the way that things are and an opinion for the way things should be. Lawrence and Adam had not been followers of these examples. They had lived their lives in quiet hatred, they had denied that things were wrong simply to get through the day. They had never allowed themselves the luxury of wishing for something better, because they were sure they didn't deserve it all the same. And yet when they had been threatened with death, when they had been violated and broken down back to the barest moorings of their humanity, they had been raised once more to remember that life was something to feel passion for. Whether you hated it, whether you loved it, whether you were reflecting upon it or wishing to change it, that you were alive, and it meant something that you knew it.

Adam and Lawrence had fought for their lives, they had struggled through pain, through hell, and in being alive and weak and vulnerable again…in being confused, afraid, and desperate just to breathe, they had been reborn…And perhaps now, the memories of those past existences, about Jigsaw and about the quiet life of hatred, and the misery they knew sitting in an ordinary life with nothing to say, didn't matter so much anyway.

_Author's Note: Stay tuned for Epilogue_.


	43. Start Over

**Rebirth – Chapter 43: Start Over**

_So what can I say, really? To everyone who read and reviewed? I suppose in the beginning, I really had no intention of writing this story, or making it so long. I thought to myself, "I want to see it happen, and I wonder if I could make it work, but then…Do I have the time to do all this?" I said no, but, well. I started writing, and now, here it is. _

_Hide-Fan: Thanks to you, because you always left reviews that let me know how you felt about the story. I'm glad that the happiness put you in a good mood, I figured I do enough stuff with a not-so-happy ending!_

_Hobbit-Luvr: I'm glad you liked it, I was hoping that a stupid, sappy dramatic end wouldn't turn you all off to the story. Thanks for reading my ridiculous drabbles!_

_Adnawun__: XP Well I hope you don't erupt. I'm relieved that people went for a happy ending, I wasn't entirely sure. Thanks!_

_Lady Myotismon: Er, I love you too! Thank you for sitting through and reading all of it, and I hope that it gave you some entertainment in your boredom hours, as it was intended to try and do. I'm sorry that it made you cry! I'm not so sorry that it made you horny, though. Mwahaha. :D_

_Saz3: Thank you very much. I can't believe so many people liked it! I guess going with a happy ending was the right thing to do after all. Thank you for reading, and I'm flattered that you think my writing is wonderful. I am not worthy! Xx_

_Me: Ah! Don't worry, you won't be alone forever. Besides, look at this. You've got a whole, big, dorky AdamLawrence fetish group right here. You're not really alone. If you're still liking this whole couple thing, there is a livejournal community for it. Thanks!_

_Kendal: Oo Gosh, I don't know what to say! Thank you for reading it. You know, part of the reason I wrote this was for that reason. That I really loved the idea of the couple, but I doubted there would be much fanbase for it. So it was a challenge to see if I could put something out there that was decent in that aspect. Oh, and sex scenes are always the funnest to write. :D_

_Katie: Thank you! Ah, writing just makes me a gushing hack, but reviewing? I think that makes you twice as damn cool. I'm glad you liked it too!_

_Koroku__: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make anyone cry! Alright, so maybe I intended to give a couple of people that depressed sinking stomach feeling, but you know…I sincerely hope that a happy ending fit your satisfaction. Thank you so much. I was worried about the characters being believable, I really was. I find (and I hope this doesn't sound condescending) that a lot of authors will put characters into situations and write them to react how perhaps the author themselves would react as opposed to what would make sense for the personality of the character. That's what makes it unbelievable. That, and the dialogue might be anachronistic or out of sync with how the creator of the characters portrayed them. Enough of my rambling, all I mean is thank you oh-so-much for reading and reviewing._

_Damion__ Starr: Thanks! Yeah, I really cluttered up the whole happy sentiment with a lot of angst, huh:D_

_Rainyday101: Thanks, I hope you like the epilogue too! I dunno how well it wraps the whole thing up, but I guess we'll see._

_GalleryofGhosts__: Wow. Thank you. You know, I'm also honestly surprised that I finished this story. It will be the first long piece I've ever actually finished, and even if some things didn't turn out quite like I would've liked, I'm just happy that I did indeed finish it. I'm pleased that you enjoyed the story. So thanks for, er, not flaming! Thanks for the kind words, because they help a lot more than the 'you suck' comments. I already know I suck—I do it better than anyone I know. Now what does that have to do with the story, you wanna help me out? I appreciate the feedback, and I'm sure you can finish a larger project as well. Hell, I didn't think I could. _

_All in all, I'm breathing a sigh of relief here, and dreading my next fandom, whatever it may happen to be. In answer to those of you who asked whether or not I would be writing a sequel, I have to admit that I did cross over the idea. But then, it really wouldn't even be relevant to the movie at this point. What I pictured it focusing on was a more family type setting, as in Lawrence and Adam in the ups and downs an oddities of a modern homosexual relationship, and a slightly older Diana struggling to come to terms with the concept of a gay father and the estranged step father that is Adam. I don't know if I'd have the time to write something like that, and I don't know if it would be worth it when it has nothing to do with the movie anymore—not really._

_But thank you all so much. I hope I didn't disappoint anyone, or dissatisfy anyone, though I'm sure there were some. If it weren't for the reviewers, trust me, this story really never would have finished. So without further hesitation, this last chapter is ultimately dedicated to a certain one-legged goose out there.

* * *

_

"I don't understand." Diana said plainly, through sniffles and through tears. She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve and fondled the ear of a stuffed rabbit cradled in her lap. "Why are you leaving?"

Lawrence sighed as he looked down at his daughter, his heart wrenching at the sight of her. This was what he had been fearing all along—Diana's reaction to the situation. How could he make her see that he wasn't abandoning her? "Sometimes things just happen this way, Diana." He said, putting a hand on her head where she sat cross-legged on the bed. "It's time for your mother and I to be apart now."

"Does that mean you'll come back some day?" she looked up hopefully.

"I'm not leaving, Diana. I'm just moving out of this house. But you'll see me every day—in fact, you'll see me more than you did before. I promise." Lawrence assured.

"…You mean it?" she seemed confused.

"Of course I do. You couldn't keep me away if you tried." He nodded.

"But…but where are you going? Are you going to live with Adam?"

Lawrence withdrew his hand and looked down a little where he sat. "Yes, Diana."

"Adam's a man, Daddy." Diana pointed out. "I thought that men and women fell in love. That's what you told me before."

"It doesn't have to work that way. Not always." Lawrence shook his head.

"But how?" her question was without accusation, but clearly confused.

"Well Diana…we don't get to pick who we love…it's just something that happens." He touched the foot of her rabbit momentarily. "Like you. I love you no matter what—you can't ask for a reason for things like that. It doesn't always make sense. But it's always good. Love's always good." He smiled.

"Why do you have to leave?" she looked down again.

Lawrence bit his lip. It was so hard to explain to someone so young. That you were leaving their mother… "Because, Diana. People who are divorced don't live together anymore. It can't work that way."

"But you don't have to get divorced." Diana pleaded. "Can't Adam just stay here with us?"

Lawrence pushed back something between a blush of discomfort and an outright  
laugh. "No, Diana, uh…that would still be wrong. Being married is the same as saying you're in love with someone. I can't be in love with Adam and married to your mother, otherwise it's lying."

Diana rubbed her cheek against the top of the rabbit's head and sighed. "No one'll be here to keep the bad men out of the closet."

"Now that's not true. Your mom can be just as scary as me." Lawrence decided, brushing his hand over her head.

"It's not the same…" she said.

"You'll spend a lot of time with me. And both me and Adam'll be there to stop the monsters. The monsters'll be too worried to bother you now that you've got two guys looking after you, huh?" He knew it was a ridiculous excuse, but then, worrying about monsters was a bit of a ridiculous problem.

"Will Adam protect you from the bad man?" she lowered her voice to something of a whisper.

"The bad man's gone forever, Diana."

"I mean other bad men."

"We'll look out for each other, yeah. And you too. So don't worry." He hugged her tightly.

"And I can see you every day?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, every day." Lawrence agreed. "I'll tell you what; tomorrow I'll take you out for ice cream or something after school."

"I don't like ice cream." She reminded.

"Okay, well, something." He smiled and released her. "Well I've gotta go…but I'll see you tomorrow, huh?" he said, standing.

"Okay…" Diana nodded in agreement, not looking up.

"I love you—more than anything or anyone." He added, and she looked at him this time.

"…Bye, Daddy." She waved.

Lawrence swallowed and waved back before departing the room. It was so hard to say goodbye, even if he wasn't really leaving, not really…he'd just be across town. That was all…

"You got everything, Lar?" asked Allison as she caught him going.

He turned to her and looked around his house for a moment, not looking for anything in particular. "…Yeah. I do, actually." He smiled to himself slightly and nodded. "…I'll uh…I'll be back for anything else, but…" he cleared his throat.

"Well…I guess this is goodbye, huh?" she looked at him with a mixed sentiment.

"Yeah, it is." They looked at each other for a long while. "…So is it okay if I pick Diana up tomorrow?"

"Sure." Allison agreed. "It's gonna be kind of weird without you here."

"It's gonna be kind of weird not being here." He admitted. "But the way things are changing, I'm sure we'll get used to it."

Allison nodded again and touched his shoulder briefly as she passed him.

"Goodbye, Larry."

Lawrence watched her walk back down the hall, disappearing into Diana's room. In one brief wander, he looked over the house that had held him in wonder. Here was a home he had been in every day, and yet still, it seemed so relatively new to him. He had only really looked at it after the incident, when he was stuck here because of his foot and had nothing else to look at. This place, that he had paid for. It never felt like his house anyway…with that, he turned and left for the last time.

……………………………………………

"Alright, here, that's…off the Oregon coast, I think." Adam said, picking up a photograph by the corner and gazing at it as he leaned backwards against Lawrence's chest.

Lawrence looked down at the photo from over Adam's shoulder where they sat on the bed, arms cirlced around his waist. It was late at night now, and Lawrence had decided to bring up one subject in particular that Adam had previously been private about. At last Lawrence was allowed to see these elusive portfolio shots, and for that he was attentive to the fullest. His mind made some pointless little connection to this scene and looking at Diana's drawings with her weeks before. "Whose boat?"

"I don't remember." Adam creased his brow slightly and studied it. "I was with a group of people, it was one of theirs. I thought, you know, the reflection, right there off the water…it was good. Acutally I think the first shot was better, but some dumbass got their hand in the way and messed it up."

"Mm…" Lawrence sifted through a stack and picked up another. There was snow and sunlight, which washed everything white but not in an overpowering manner. Adam had a good eye for timing. "I like this one."

Adam turned to look down at Lawrence's hand. "Camping trip. I was…nineteen." He nodded to himself, pulling the memories back. It took a moment to have to pull those old memories up, around the event that they both tried hard not to remember. "One of those mornings where the snow stops in the night. It's still cold, but the sun just rose, and the ice hasn't even had a chance to start to melt yet." He spread some of the others out with his fingers to show Lawrence the rest of the set. "Found two elk here. And that's a snow slope that led right down into the woods. I uh, fell down that slope like, ten seconds after I took this shot." Adam smirked at the memory and winced at some phantom pain from the fall.

"This is all really incredible, Adam." Lawrence said, hugging him tighter. "It's no wonder you got that job, you're gonna do great."

Adam relaxed into the embrace and stared down at a picture of a pigeon on a ledge. "I wish I had the money to travel the country or something, you know? Photo opportunities are everywhere, but…it's also a good excuse to travel if you want to go look for them somewhere else."

"I think we both need a vacation." Lawrence suggested as he absently rubbed Adam's right shoulder in a tender motion. "Take our minds off of…all this."

"Maybe…" Adam smiled and touched Lawrence's knee from where he sat between his legs. "But I don't know about now, I mean—with the moving and the new job and you're still healing and everything…" his grip tensed in concern a little before loosening.

Lawrence gave a light sigh and nuzzled his neck. "So we'll wait a few months…But I'd still like to get you on a beach somewhere."

"Hey—I'm nobody's Baywatch whore." Adam veered away from his touch coyly.

"Oh don't flatter yourself." Lawrence disagreed and forcefully cuddled back up to the crook of his neck. "You could bring your camera—call it a business trip and get some cash out of it."

Adam chuckled. "I'd get sand in it…" he muttered.

Lawrence paused, then pulled back a little from Adam and turned his upper  
body to the side of the bed. "Which reminds me, I-I sort of…got you something."

"You what now?" Adam tried to turn and look at what he was doing.

Lawrence returned up with an arm back around him as he gently placed a box in Adam's lap. "Call it a…house-warming present, I don't know."

Adam took it with interest. "Ah, Lawrence, man, you don't need to be—"

"Hey hey, it was a good deal." He shushed Adam with a gentle prod to his stomach.

"I just…don't want you to spend stuff on me." Adam shook his head. Lawrence was clearly still used to the customs of being with a woman, wasn't he?

"Just take a look at it, would you?"

Adam grunted and examined the box with curiosity. "A digital camera? Lawrence, these things aren't cheap, you know?"

"Have you ever used one?" Lawrence looked down at the package.

"Yeah, well…in college, on and off. They had some for us to use, but most of my course work required the bigger stuff…" he got the case open and pulled the camera out of the box, looking it over in his hands like it was made of glass. He turned over a shoulder. "…Thank you." Adam nodded a little and kissed him gratefully.

Lawrence ruffled his hair and grinned. "I hoped you'd like it."

"I do." Adam continued to look over his new toy with exploration, opening the battery hatch and finding the batteries to go with it. "The other cameras are pretty cumbersome and time-consuming, this one can be for…personal uses."

Lawrence watch him mess around with it for a moment with a small smile. "See? This way, you won't even get sand in it."

"Yeah yeah, well we can worry about that later. You're still moving in, or whatever." Adam gestured to the one suitcase that Lawrence had taken with him tonight. "Maybe you should give yourself a chance to unpack before you start, er, packing."

"Sure you have room here?" Lawrence asked, looking around.

"I'll move some stuff…get rid of some stuff." Adam assured. "I know I don't need ninety percent of the junk that's in here. I can finally get rid of all those…other pictures."

"I can help you clean out." Lawrence offered. "We could do it tomorrow, huh?"

Adam suppressed a yawn and shuffled through the options on his camera, which he managed to get running by now. "If you've really got nothing else to do. I'd appreciate it…" he trailed off for a while in thought, leaning against Lawrence with a kind of calm that almost seemed out of character. He was usually so nervous, spontaneous, always moving, but then whether that could be attributed to his personality or to the aftermath of the incident Lawrence wasn't sure. He guessed that it may have been a contribution of both. Either way, he was immensely glad for it. "…How did things go at home, Lawrence?" Adam asked quietly. He then thought about his statement for a second. "Or…well, you know, the house."

Lawrence took in a breath and let it out tiredly. "It was alright. Diana's not exactly thrilled with me moving out, but…I'm sure she'll understand in time."

Adam slowly rubbed his knee in sympathy. "She's welcome here anytime, man." Lawrence nodded. "Yeah, well, she doesn't like the idea of sleeping at home. She's always had problems with that. I was usually the one to calm her down, I feel like a jerk for leaving in that respect. I mean it's not like she can sleep here." He shrugged and thought back to the conversation he had with his daughter earlier that day.

"I've um," Adam cleared his throat. "been thinking about that…"

Lawrence looked at him curiously.

"Well I mean, it's not the best place, but I was thinking that I could clear out my old red room…I guess she could stay there, if she ever wanted to spend the night or something." He held his camera up to his line of sight and inspected the view.

"Adam, I couldn't ask you to do that." Lawrence declined. "That's your work."

"Yeah, but this is my life." Adam countered. "And anyway, you didn't ask—I offered." He smirked and turned a little to look at him. "Besides…I'll be using company equipment at Ryka. They've got everything. I won't need to do the work here. And I've got this," he held up his new camera, "for emergency uses. It's no problem, really." He insisted.

"…I don't know, I mean…"

"Then it's settled." Adam decided. "Let me take a picture."

"Of what?" Lawrence looked down, wondering how Adam got the camera working so quick.

"Us." Adam said lightly. He slipped an arm around Lawrence's middle and pushed him so that they were both lying back on the bed.

Lawrence pulled him over and started kissing him almost by instinct of feeling his back hit a bed. Adam laughed and held the camera out above them.

"Smile, dude." He warned.

Lawrence looked up at the camera with a somewhat annoyed but good-natured expression, his arms still playing about Adam's body as he took the picture. "How's that for a portfolio photo?" he jested.

Adam gave him a funny look. "With your hand on my crotch, yeah, I'm sure they'd love that."

"Accident, I swear." Lawrence lied, for his hand hadn't moved from said area. "So put the camera down already."

Adam immediately complied with that familiar aggressive purr, shutting off the device and setting it on the bedside table as his body began to react towards the hand on his groin. "Hey, I'm beginning to resent your bedside manner."

"Ohhh, come on, that was the best one you had?" Lawrence teased and clenched his fingers a little.

Adam snorted and watched his legs spread of their own accord. "It's hard to think, your hand is on my brain."

Lawrence laughed aloud and curled the fingers of his other hand into Adam's hair, looking at him intently face to face.

Adam's smile slowly faded and he thought for a while on the look Lawrence was giving him. Blue eyes…Adam reminded himself dimly from somewhere in the back of his mind. He reached up a hand of his own to stroke the hair away from Lawrence's eyes, close enough that he placed a small peck on his lips and dared him to follow it. "Uh…love you?" He whispered awkwardly.

Lawrence returned another small kiss and silently uttered something back in his ear, at which Adam grinned and shivered with a chuckle.

"No. No, for fuck's sake, seriously Lawrence, we're leaving the camera out  
of this."

Fin


End file.
